Consider yourself warned: I’m feeling randomly cranky...

At the intersection of showy, self-congratulatory environmentalism and meaningless, self-inflated corporate speak lies this flyer, taped to the flip-of-a-switch fireplace at the Panera where I often write: “In an effort to conserve valuable global resources, our franchise organization has elected to turn off our fireplaces during warmer weather. If you prefer it to be turned on, please ask any member of our management team.” I like Panera, but I’m still trying to figure out how any native-speaking American could consider that mess of pretentious adjectives and phrasal verbs superior to “Still pretty warm out, so fireplace off. If you want it on, ask.” Or even no flyer at all. When you’re at home, feel free to flip your fake fireplace off and on all you want. But when you’re at Panera, the fireplace is on when they want it on. Deal...

So I know that Dale Jr. is leaving Dale Earnhardt Inc., and that his stepmother didn’t let him take his number 8 with him; and I know that his new number, with his new team, Hendrick Motorsports, will be 88, so that all of his fans who had his old number tattooed on themselves won’t have to worry about getting their tattoos removed, just adding another 8. I know that Junior didn’t make the Chase for the Cup, which I know continues this weekend in Atlanta. And I know all of this without wanting to know any of it, as if by osmosis. NASCAR is now as pervasive as humidity in July—you can’t get away from it. And yet for all I now know about NASCAR, for all the drivers’ names and numbers and sponsors clinging to my memory like unwanted burrs on a sock, I care more about who wins Sunday’s meaningless NFL game between the 3-3 Cleveland Browns and the 0-7 St. Louis Rams than I do about who actually wins the Chase for the Cup...

I understand why some clever reality TV producer would pitch the idea for Kid Nation, the “reality-based series in which 40 kids [ages 8-15] will have 40 days to build a new world … in a ghost town that died in the 19th Century.” I understand why the executives at CBS would put it on the air, even though it appears not to extend the CSI franchise in any way. I even understand why people would watch the show, for we are nothing if not a nation of voyeurs, seemingly unable to satiate our morbid curiosity. What I don’t understand is what sort of sadistic parent sends an eight-year-old to the middle of New Mexico to participate in a freaking reality show. Shouldn’t somebody be calling Child and Family Services here?...

At the intersection of a New-York-obsessed national sports media that is only now getting to know the names of the Colorado Rockies lineup and good old-fashioned schadenfreude lies the fixation with the collapse of the 2007 New York Mets. Don’t get me wrong, as a Phillies fan, I was doubly delighted by their demise—it not only put the Phillies in the playoffs for the first time since 1993, but it displaced the historic collapse of the 1964 Phillies as the most disastrous of all time. But as pathetic and impotent as the Mets looked during their disintegration, and as much as their meltdown merits media scrutiny, would it have been too much for somebody—anybody—outside of Philadelphia to give the Phillies credit for catching the Mets?...

I know that Americans (myself excepted) love NASCAR, and I know we are a nation of collectors, but has the intersection of NASCAR and collecting really produced collectible Old Spice deodorant and body wash? I feel confident that Old Spice is running this promotion with tongue in cheek—after all, the web address for the Collector’s Series is tonystewartsarmpits.com—but I nevertheless fear that obsessed NASCAR fans (like the ones who recently revisited their tattoo parlor to get that second 8 added, but who feel that way about Tony Stewart instead of Dale Jr.) will take this collecting opportunity seriously...

I didn’t exactly need confirmation that we are a nutritionally-bankrupt nation, but Diet Coke insisted on providing that extra bit of evidence anyway with their introduction of Diet Coke Plus. According to the press release, “Consumers, including Diet Coke drinkers, are increasingly looking for more beverage options, and we wanted to offer them the convenience of a calorie-free beverage that is a good source of several essential vitamins and minerals, and one that delivers on the great taste that they have come to expect from us,” a Coke senior vice president gurgled. Allow me to translate: “We’ve got millions of people completely addicted to our product, but because it provides absolutely no vitamins or minerals, we started to worry that our consumer base would begin to die off. And obviously it’s not our place to encourage them to eat healthy, so we figured the best way to maintain our profits and keep our Diet Coke drinkers alive was just to add some vitamins to Diet Coke. Brilliant, huh? I bet those bitches at Diet Pepsi wish they’d come up with this.”...

Those bitches at Diet Pepsi may not have thought to add vitamins, but they haven’t been sitting idly by: say hello to Diet Pepsi Max, with nearly twice the caffeine of regular Diet Pepsi, plus ginseng for a little extra kick, because nobody is willing to invest the time to sleep anymore, either. Presumably, once their ranks of addicted increase, that’s when they’ll start adding vitamins...

And speaking of healthy living, I recently got an email from Crate & Barrell with a notice about the dinnerware on our wedding registry. “Please be aware that beginning January 2008, we will replace several of the current Anna placesetting items with new sizes,” the email read. “The dinner plate, salad plate, cup and saucer dimensions will be slightly larger in keeping with today’s dining trends, and will match the original in color and pattern.” In other words, we’re so fat now, we need bigger plates. Except that bigger plates are likely to make us even fatter—according to Cornell University’s Brian Wansink, PhD, author of the book Mindless Eating, in his article “Ice Cream Illusions: Bowls, Spoons, and Self-Served Portion Sizes,” published by the American Journal of Preventive Medicine in 2006, “Those interested in losing weight should use smaller bowls and spoons, while those needing to gain weight—such as the undernourished or aged—could be encouraged to use larger ones.” As the email from Crate & Barrell concluded, “If you wish to complete your pattern in the original sizes, we encourage you to place your order now.”