Now that we’re deep into July, those of you who donned a cap and gown a month or so back are probably pretty sick of this whole “real world” thing.  That job you were so excited about back in May is decidedly less exhilarating now that you actually have to do it every day, and you still haven’t come to terms with the fact that a salary that sounded flattering when it was offered now seems almost oppressive after they take out Social Security, Federal Taxes, State Taxes, City Taxes, benefits, your retirement plan, FICA, and your pre-tax United Way donation, which isn’t making you feel nearly as good now as it did during new-employee orientation when you checked that little box agreeing to have it deducted every two weeks.

That is, of course, if you were lucky enough to find gainful employment.  Those of you who were not are now undoubtedly sick of living under your parents’ roof again, and sick of everybody asking what you’re going to do with yourself now that you’ve graduated.

Regardless of your current circumstance, it’s now been a veritable eternity since that day in the Quad when the commencement speaker encouraged you to “Go for it,” or “Chase your dreams,” or “Believe in yourself,” or “Change the world,” or some other such “inspirational” pap that might have passed for wisdom in your hungover stupor but that now, if you could even remember it, you would realize is a hokey mess of meaningless commencement-day emptiness.

It’s a shame, really, because a lot of those commencement speakers got paid handsomely.

Well, it’s not a shame for them, of course.  It’s a shame for you.

Which is why I thought it would be rather kind of me to offer a different kind of commencement address, one filled with practical advice that you might actually find applicable, accumulated from years of random, fleeting successes and traumatic, crushing failures, and unlikely to appear on wall calendars featuring kittens.  A little wisdom, if you will, that you might find helpful as you begin the process of living as an adult human being, which is what people will now expect you to be, except on MySpace.

I’m by no means suggesting you can’t change the world, or that you shouldn’t believe in yourself, or not to go for it or chase your dreams or whatever.  If that’s your bag, then by all means, you know, go for it.

But in the meantime, you’ve got a life to lead, and I figured it might be helpful to have some suggestions on how to live it.

And since we’re not in the Quad, but rather deep in the tubes of the Internets, I’m going to dispense with the pleasantries and get down to business.

First off, if you want to be a good person, return your shopping cart to the cart caddy at the grocery store.  Are you required by law to do it?  You’re not.  But if you are so lazy, so thoughtless, or in such a hurry that you cannot complete this simple courteous task – one that not only keeps car bumpers safe from those carts but that also makes life just that much easier for the poor kid earning less than you who has to schlep around the parking lot in a reflective vest rustling up shopping carts – you will ultimately find yourself unhappy, overstressed, unlucky, or all of the above.  Take those few seconds, put the cart where it belongs, and you’ll quickly see that it’s not difficult or time-consuming, only considerate.  You might even find that it feels good, like you’ve done a good deed, perhaps the most effortless one you’ll get all week.  Take a second and grab somebody else’s stray cart and push it to the corral, and you’ll feel even better, perhaps a little buoyant.  And from that kind of habit of kindness, who knows what great, life-improving habits may yet be in store for you.

But leave your cart randomly strewn across the lot, and you’ll be tempting bad karma.  Your heart will grow just a little colder.  And you will find it just a little harder to love.

Speaking of which, just because a t-shirt is funny doesn’t mean you should wear it.  You may be the sort of divine human being who doesn’t judge other people on their appearance, but I promise you, other people are going to judge you.  In other words, as clever as it might be, if you wear a shirt that says, “Varsity Farting,” or “My Other Ride is Your Mom,” or “I’m Not An Alcoholic, I’m a Drunk.  Alcoholics Go To Meetings” – in fact, any t-shirt that might be described as an “attitude t-shirt” – you not only surrender your right to be taken seriously, but your ironic smugness broadcasts to other people the message, “I am incapable of love.”

Here’s something else that you’re probably going to scoff at:  getting a tribal tattoo on the small of your back does not automatically make you look sexy.  Indeed, if you already have the kind of body on which such a tattoo would, in fact, look sexy, you don’t need the tattoo.  If you don’t have that kind of body, there is no tattoo design in existence that will do the trick.

I realize that for some of you, sadly, I am too late with this advice.  On the upside, though, I’m sure it will be cute to have your grandchildren call you Grandma Tramp Stamp.

I do not doubt that, even at this young age, you are a very important person, and that it is often crucial that your people be able to access you immediately.  Nevertheless, when your cell phone rings, you don’t always have to answer it.  For example, if you’re driving, or at a nice restaurant, or in the middle of a face-to-face conversation with someone, you could let it go to voicemail.  If the person calling you doesn’t leave you a voice mail, maybe the call wasn’t that important to begin with.  Of course, it’s much easier to let a call go to voicemail discreetly if you have your phone set to vibrate, or you have a simple ring tone.  Yes, I understand that your ring tone is a great way to personalize your digital accessories, and that you just really love that Young Jeezy song.  But the rest of us have had enough.

By now you’re probably thinking I’m a cranky, over-the-hill lunatic who’s starting to sound too much like your parents, and questioning whether there’s any actual wisdom to be found in this wisdom.  But fret not:  I have good news.

I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but eventually, I promise you, horns will once again feature prominently in popular music.  So if that’s your thing, just be patient.

Oh, and one more thing:  believe in yourself.