Saved By The Bell, Again

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Previously, on the Worst of the Year Awards ...  (Sorry.  It’s 24 season again.)

Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo

2002:  Bipartisan Politics
2003:  Weapons of Mass Destruction
2005:  Heckuva Job

2006 Nominees: Cut and run; Macaca; Surge; Sectarian violence; We aren’t losing, we just haven’t won yet.

The Dictionary widget on my Dashboard (Alert! Mac reference -- although according to reviews, the now-available Windows Vista offers a very Mac-like experience, so maybe everybody gets the reference now) defined “euphemism” as “a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.”  I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you that, other than that I was struggling to find a better way to start this one.

Oh, wait, now I remember:  reliving 2006’s sound bites made me feel like I was five, and grown-ups didn’t quite say what they actually meant, for fear of corrupting my innocent mind.  Well, the mumbo jumbo coming out of Washington has that same feel, and accordingly, the only people fooled are the five-year-olds.  Most of this nonsense was Iraqiffic, and the most egregious of this nonsense was “Sectarian violence.”

It’s not that you couldn’t define what’s happening in Iraq as “sectarian violence;” you certainly can.  But it’s so transparently intended to euphemize “civil war” as to be cellophaneous (and you don’t need to click on that link if you don’t want to; it’s a Google search on “cellophaneous,” which returns one result -- at least until this column posts.  Do you know how hard it is to Google a word that returns one result?  Sorry.  Random).

Of course, it’s consistent with the notion that we aren’t winning, we just haven’t won yet.  I think the Bears are still saying that about the Super Bowl.  (Sorry.  Excessive.)

Maybe it’s just me, but as queasy as I feel about what’s happening in Iraq, I think I’d feel better about it if my government would stop treating me like I was five and just be straight with me.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Sectarian violence

Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly

2002:  Najeh Davenport’s Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003:  Larry Eustachy’s Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)
2004:  Ron Artest’s Record Promotion (Indiana Pacers/Truwarier)
2005:  Terrell Owens’ Self-Destruction (Philadelphia Eagles)

2006 Nominees: Maurice Clarett’s Fun with Guns (‘N High-Speed Car Chases) (Denver Broncos?); Mitch Cozad’s Starting-Punter Stabbing (University of Northern Colorado); Joe Cullen’s Naked Drive-Thru (Detroit Lions); Duke Lacrosse’s Exotic Dance Party; Eddie Griffin’s “Inattentive Driving” (Minnesota Timberwolves); Chris Henry’s Extended Rap Sheet (Cincinnati Bengals); Tank Johnson’s Fun with Guns (‘N Drugs) (Chicago Bears); Terrell Owens’ Accidental Overdose (Dallas Cowboys); O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It” almost book/TV special.

Guns.  Drugs.  Stabbings.  High-speed car chases.  Exotic dancers.  Wendy’s Drive-Thrus.  If this were Hollywood, you’d have all the makings of a summer blockbuster.  Instead, it’s ESPN News!

Were this category decided on number of offenses, Chris Henry (four arrests between December 2005 and September 2006) would be your runaway winner.  But that’s not how we award titles around here, and besides, Henry was just trying to fit in with his teammates!  (Eight other Bengals have been arrested in the last 13 months.)

And maybe I’m too jaded, but the kind of perp walks we saw from Henry, Tank Johnson and Maurice Clarett have become cliché.  Gentlemen, if you want to make a name for yourself, do something original -- order your Classic Single Combo in the nude (Cullen), or get arrested for, well, I’ve got to just give you the quote here, since when I read it, I immediately emailed it to several friends, calling it “Possibly the greatest paragraph ever to run in the Philadelphia Daily News”:

“Roman Catholic High standout Eddie Griffin, now with the Minnesota Timberwolves, issued his first public statement yesterday in response to allegations that he was drunk and watching pornography while masturbating when he crashed his sport-utility vehicle into a parked vehicle in March.”

Really, can you top that?  Sadly, you can.  That’s why this year’s honor goes to University of Northern Colorado backup punter Mitch Cozad, who was arrested for allegedly stabbing starting punter Rafael Mendoza in his kicking leg.  According to the Associated Press, “Police said they believe Cozad stabbed Mendoza in an attempt to get the starting job.”

That’s just so unbelievably wrong.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Mitch Cozad’s Starting-Punter Stabbing

The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award

2000:  Arizona Diamondbacks
2001:  The XFL
2002:  Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003:  Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2004:  Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)
2005:  Nashville Predators (Mustard Alternate Jerseys)

2006 Nominees: Cleveland Cavaliers (Orange Alternate Jerseys); Adam Morrison, Gonzaga/Charlotte Bobcats (Moustache); Rafael Nadal (Manpris); NFL Referees (New Stripes); Oregon Ducks Football (Tread Plate Design); Washington Wizards (Gold Alternate Jerseys).

Just when you think you’ve got a category figured out, the readers redefine it.  Referees?  A tennis player?  A single basketball player?  Well, if you define uniform as something worn by an athlete in competition, Morrison’s moustache and Nadal’s manpris qualify.  But in both those cases, the “uniform” in question is a personal style choice; Morrison originally grew his ’stache in a bet with Zags teammate David Pendergraft, while Nadal clearly owns no full-length mirrors.

The other entrants reflect institutional choice.  Undoubtedly, before the NFL’s zebras changed their stripes, several committee meetings were held, multiple options were debated and discussed, and still the league decided to dump the simple perfection of parallel stripes.  The University of Oregon football program has such a fixation with futuristic uniforms that not only is this their fourth uni overhaul since 1996 (all engineered by Nike, natch), but the press release unveiling the new uniforms became the most-viewed news release ever on GoDucks.com.  Why the Ducks want to look like green and gold tread plates is beyond me, but you just can’t argue with that sort of sartorial mania.

You can, however, argue with the decision of a team whose primary colors are blue, black and bronze to adopt an alternate uniform that pairs a glittery gold top with black shorts.  Accordingly, fans have:  there’s an online petition to change them.  The people have spoken.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Washington Wizards (Gold Alternate Jerseys)

Special 2007 Preview:  We already have a leading candidate for the next year’s winner in this category:  the Arizona Diamondbacks!  Avert your eyes Monday, April 2, when the D-Backs open their 2007 campaign on the road in Colorado, and again on Monday, April 9, Arizona’s home opener against the Reds.

Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away

2000:  The Cast of “Survivor”
2001:  Carrot Top
2002:  Jennifer Lopez
2003:  Paris Hilton
2004:  Ashlee Simpson
2005:  Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson

2006 Nominees: Kevin Federline; Paris Hilton; Peyton Manning; Nicole Richie; Jessica Simpson; Britney Spears.

That two of our nominees are previous winners suggests a certain staying power, but also, I believe, that we’ve built up a tolerance for them.  Yes, I’m sick of hearing about Paris Hilton, but it’s been four-plus years of it already -- I now expect Paris Hilton stories from the entertainment media like I expect stories about 14 things in my kitchen that might kill me from the local news.

But Kevin Federline has rapidly escalated from nobody to curiosity to viral infection on the culture.  He can now be identified by four letters -- K-Fed.  (Wrote one nominator, “The fact that he has a nationally-known nickname is a testament to how low we've dropped.”)  He starred in a Super Bowl commercial, which managed to tweak the apparently humorless fast-food industry, and keep his name in the news just a little bit longer.  Reputedly, he is a “dancer,” but unlike his famous estranged wife, he’s mostly famous for being famous.

At least the commercial is self-deprecating.  Maybe in 2007, his act can be self-disappearing.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Kevin Federline

Worst Television Commercial

2002:  Capital One (Entire “What’s In Your Wallet?” Series)
2003:  Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub (“Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”)
2004:  Levitra (“My Man.”)
2005:  Diet Pepsi (NFL Draft / Diet Pepsi Machine)

2006 Nominees: Citi PremierPass (Very, Very, Very Rewarding); Head On (Apply Directly To The Forehead); Domino’s Pizza (Fudgems); Texas Instruments DLP (“It’s the mirrors”); Volkswagen (Safe Happens); Chevy Silverado (This Is Our Country); Schick Quattro Titanium (“Off the Heezy”).

How do you know a commercial is so bad it’s good?  When it’s endlessly parodied on YouTube.  Perhaps it’s subliminal messaging; somehow the HeadOn commercials have achieved bizarro cult status, and thus, some of our most promising amateur video auteurs are wasting their time making mockeries of them.

But 2006 was a year full of awful commercials, and once again, thanks to YouTube, I could review all of them and be reminded of their awfulness.  There was the spot for Domino’s oven baked brownie squares, or, as its nominator put it, the “Domino’s poop square, which leaves poop on you when it hugs you”; there were the Roman and Victor “Very, very, very rewarding” commercials for Citi, which were directed by Jared Hess (Napoleon Dynamite, Nacho Libre) and which made me feel like I should be offended, only I couldn’t exactly say why.

But the commercial that for me summarizes everything that’s wrong with marketing today is Schick’s “Off the Heezy” nonsense.  Is it supposed to be funny?  It’s not.  Is it supposed to be clever?  It’s not.  Is it supposed to be ironic?  Um, it’s not.  Is it actually supposed to convince me to buy a Schick Quattro razor?  Because my shave will be so much better, so much closer, so noticeably different by using this razor that some girl on a treadmill is going to wipe out at the site of my freshly-shaven face?

I don’t know about you, but I have a rule against working out right after shaving.  The sweat gets in your pores, and it burns.  It’s a bad idea all around.  Just like the entire Schick shtick.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to: Schick Quattro Titanium (“Off the Heezy”)

Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway

2000:  “Higher/With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
2001:  “I’m A Slave 4 U,” Britney Spears
2002:  “Like I Love You,” Justin Timberlake
2003:  “Milkshake,” Kelis
2005:  “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas

2006 Nominees: “Fergalicious,” Fergie; “How To Save A Life,” The Fray; “Promiscuous,” Nelly Furtado; “Chain Hang Low,” Jibbs; “Photograph,” Nickelback; “Before He Cheats,” Carrie Underwood.

Okay, so the creepiest song on this list is definitely “Before He Cheats,” in which the cute-as-a-button American Idol sweetheart takes on the persona of a psychopath demolishing her boyfriend’s car outside a bar because “right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp.”  Probably?

But the song most hated by our nominators was also, apparently, most difficult to spell:  submissions included “Fergilicious,” “Fergeliscious,” “Fergalicious,” and “Anything by Fergie.”  It’s not just that trying to make sense of the lyrics will shave points off your IQ, though -- the song makes last year’s “My Humps” seem tolerable.  It’s enough to make you stop listening to the radio altogether. 

And the 2006 WOTY goes to: “Fergalicious,” Fergie

Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song

2000:  “Take A Picture,” Filter
2001:  “Lady Marmalade,” Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink
2002:  “Dilemma,” Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003:  “Baby Boy,” Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004:  “The Reason,” Hoobastank
2005:  “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg

2006 Nominees: “You’re Beautiful,” James Blunt; “How To Save A Life,” The Fray; “Waiting for the World to Change,” John Mayer; “This Is Our Country,” John Mellencamp; “Chasing Cars,” Snow Patrol; “Bad Day,” Daniel Powter; “Put Your Records On,” Corinne Bailey Rae; “Move Along,” All American Rejects.

It’s tough not to support a nomination as heartfelt and thoughtful as this one of “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol:  “Listen, I love these guys.  It’s an absolute oeuvre to young love if you were uncynical and this were 1986.  But the insistence of pop radio here to play it every 10 minutes makes it insufferable.”

It’s compelling.  But in a year when moustaches and manpris are nominated for worst uniform, it seems appropriate that this category go to a song that was mutilated not by the radio, but by the TV commercial.  Since mid-September, I’ve been wondering if Chevy gave John Mellencamp any indication of just how mercilessly they planned to bludgeon the viewing public with “This is Our Country.”  I saw the erstwhile Mr. Cougar interviewed on The Daily Show the other day, and he seemed like a wholly decent fellow, so I can only imagine he spent every Sunday this fall just like the rest of us, sitting at home, watching football, and muttering every time a Chevy truck commercial came on, “Please, dear God -- make it stop!”

And the 2006 WOTY goes to: “This Is Our Country,” John Mellencamp

(Note:  I’d be remiss if I didn’t give props to The Onion for this genius headline -- “Impressive New Honda Inspires John Mellencamp To Write Song About Japan.”  Those guys are good.)

Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award

2001:  Comic Sans MS
2002:  Courier New
2003:  Comic Sans MS
2004:  Curlz MT
2005:  Wingdings

2006 Nominees: Times New Roman; Comic Sans MS; Fiolex Girls.

It is perhaps an indicator of this category’s impending doom (see below) that so few nominees were submitted.  In fact, I must confess, I nominated Comic Sans MS, just for old times’ sake, and because I couldn’t bear to just see two nominees.

For what it’s worth, the nominators did have some interesting comments: one wrote, “I'd like to take this opportunity to teach the world the difference between ‘italic’ and ‘oblique,'” although I’m not exactly sure why; the nominator of Fiolex Girls wrote “please copy this into your Microsoft Word in Fiolex Girls,” although again I’m not sure why; the nominator of Times New Roman added, wryly, “Stupid Romans.”

I find that last reasoning especially compelling, and I think there’s something ironic, or post-modern, or ironically post-modern, in crowning as the winner of a dying category the font that most of the English-speaking world uses by default.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Times New Roman

New Category! Worst WOTY Category

2006 Nominees: Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award

And having said all that, you hate the Worst Font Category.  You really, really hate it.

Or you just don’t get it.  “Do they have high profile font releases?” wrote one nominator.  “I still don't get why (and how) people are so interested in fonts,” wrote another.  “Am I the only one who just starts typing and goes with the default font that's on the screen?”

What you don’t get, my friend, is the joke.  Nobody, outside of the arcane circle of typographers, is all that interested in fonts -- although typographers take that stuff very seriously.

Not that it matters, but there are readers out there who appreciate(d) this category.  Wrote one friend/reader a few days after we crowned Wingdings last year, “I’m finally getting around to reading your column from last Friday, and let me tell you that I applaud your serious discussion of fonts.  Carry on.”

Nevertheless, the people have spoken, and I will honor their request.  Just know this:  you won’t have the little old Worst Font award to kick out next year.

And the 2006 WOTY goes to: Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award

As always, several categories failed to make the cut, but numerous nominations included nuggets worthy of mention, as well as a few intriguing category suggestions, comments, and other insights.  Forthwith:

Suggested category:  Best drink to have before responding to a State of the Union WOTY email

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  Margaritas

Suggested category:  Worst Burglar

And the 2006 WOTY goes to:  This guy

Worst Restaurant Trend:  It may not be a new trend, but I nominate eating at a chain restaurant when you’re on vacation in a big city.  Please, people, when you come to visit New York City for the first time, do NOT eat at the Olive Garden or Red Lobster.  Trust me on this one -- you can do a lot better.

Worst New Business Jargon:  “ ... go ahead and ... ”  For example, “Why don’t you go ahead and bring me a double vanilla shot cappuccino” or “I’ll just go ahead and sign you up for this workshop.”  Adding the phrase “go ahead and” does not make the action any less asinine.

Business Jargon I Actually Liked:  flashterbation.  As in, “The client doesn't care about usability, they just want flashterbation.”

Thanks to everybody who submitted nominations, and best wishes for a better 2007!