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Eric Ratinoff
The State of the Union
Volume 8, Number 3
Friday, February 9, 2007

Women & Men

With Valentine’s Day approaching and tensions on both sides mounting, I wanted to do my part to help broker peace in the Battle of the Sexes.

Thus, I called on a handful of trusted advisors and asked:  what most mystifies you about the opposite sex?  Then, armed with these poignant gender-specific inquiries, I turned to those advisors again, posing the questions from their counterparts and asking them to impart their wisdom in return, requesting complete honesty, and guaranteeing total anonymity.

Drawing upon hundreds of collective years of first-hand knowledge of the male and female experience, they delivered responses at turns breathtaking in their candor, brilliant in their analysis, and sometimes completely, and totally irrational.

Bottom line, I don’t think they get us any closer to a cease-fire.

Oh, well.  Enjoy the wisdom, and Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!


THE QUESTIONS FOR THE MEN

Why do guys think bad pickup lines are a good idea?

Because it’s funny to us, and on the off chance it works, it makes one hell of a story.

Because they work.  I have a couple gems that are near 100% successful, including, "Nice shoes.  Wanna f@#k?"

Women should be thankful for bad pickup lines.  Bad pickup lines delivered seriously are an immediate indication that a guy should be ignored.  Bad pickup lines delivered ironically, however, are a sign that a guy has a sense of humor and give the woman an escape route from the attempted pickup.  If she's interested, she can play along.  If not, she just ignores him like any other guy that lays a bad pickup line on her.

You're clearly not drunk enough yet.  Have a few cocktails and let me try it again...

Give us a list of good pick-up lines.  We'll use those!


Why is it okay for a guy to comment on a good-looking woman in front of his significant other (i.e. “Jennifer Aniston is so beautiful!”), but when a woman does the same thing, men make disparaging comments about the good-looking man’s sexuality or “sissy walk”?

My ego does not permit me to believe you can be attracted to men who are not me.

This is a damn good point.  It’s the only way I can make myself feel better, even though I know that the pretty boy is way better looking, more fit, etc. than me.  That’s usually when I play the “I’m smarter, I’m funnier” card.  It doesn’t work.

Because we are, by nature, honest.  Jennifer Aniston is hot.  Justin Timberlake is a sissy bitch.

I love this question because the example indicates a problem that has nothing to do with whether or not a guy can cope with his girl finding another guy attractive.  Jennifer Aniston is cute and all, but saying "Jennifer Aniston is so beautiful!" is just a way to get on your good side because you probably feel sorry for Jen after Angelina stole her man.  If a guy says, "Angelina Jolie is so beautiful!" you're going to give him a dirty look and say to yourself, "Is my man going to leave me for a hot, formerly-crazy chick?"

Fear.  If we give you a list of someone else's downfalls, we think you'll be less likely to run off with him.  It doesn't matter if you'd never actually have any chance of meeting him.  We're still afraid.


Why is it okay for men to watch hours and hours of shows analyzing sports (not the games themselves), but when women watch Oprah, we are “wasting our time with that crap”?

ESPN has a lot to teach, especially if you don't religiously watch sports.  If Oprah has anything to teach you, you have more to worry about than how much I watch ESPN.

There is a great deal to glean from sports radio, and the value of sports small talk is huge in the male world.  It can mean getting or not getting a job, for instance.  Oprah and Dr. Phil, meanwhile, say things I could think of on the toilet.  No true value to that.

Sport shows are there to inform about stats, players, games, injuries -- facts and opinions.  Oprah includes a lot of feelings, relationship analysis and emotions, which then carry over to influence the viewer's relationships, sometimes causing unnecessary analysis and problems.  When was the last time you got in an argument because Steven Jackson didn't break up the middle on 3rd and 2?

We are both wasting our time with that crap.  Ours is just more interesting.

Sports are more exciting, and potentially historic.  Years from now, would you be more likely to turn to somebody and say, "I was watching when Boise State ran the Statue of Liberty play to beat Oklahoma!" or "I remember this one time when Oprah really connected with a guest and got them to open up"?

Watching analysis shows = improved fantasy team performance = more winnings at the end of each season = new shoes for women.


Why, even when the task is simplified by a laundry chute, can men not find a laundry basket with their dirty laundry?

Women see laundry in black and white terms, as in clean vs. dirty. Men utilize a more complex continuum grading system in which quasi-clean clothes qualify to be worn on occasions such as class and lounging. The floor and surrounding furniture provide the most convenient venue for these clothes to be optimally accessed and worn.

Because we never know when yesterday’s dirty laundry might become today's shirt that smells just a bit less than that pile over there.

Just because I wear a shirt once doesn't mean it's dirty.  I can still wear it again as long as it doesn't smell.  If we put it with the rest of the dirty clothes, then we HAVE to clean them.

Try putting a backboard, rim and net above the laundry basket.  Not only will your man put away his own dirty laundry, he'll put yours away too.  Plus, he'll improve his free-throw percentage.  It's a win-win situation.

I see your gross stereotype and raise you with one inquiry concerning women drivers and their inability to change oil, as well as why women consider shopping a hobby.


Why will a guy wait for me after class and follow me home after I told him "no" four months ago?

If you told him "no" four months ago but smiled at him three months ago then you have to tell him "no" all over again.  We're like puppies -- be firm and don't send mixed signals.

Why did you tell him no?  Did you assume something about his personality that is incorrect?  Give him a second thought . . . then say no again.  Then get a restraining order.

Oh . . . I thought you said "yo."

There are many examples in history in which perseverance has paid off, and there's no reason why this can't be another.

You're most likely giving him mixed messages.  I mean, if you keep coming out of class, what is he supposed to think?

Just an idea, but have you tried asking him why he's following you home?

He's just not willing to give up on this relationship yet!


Who would win in a fight:  Vin Diesel, Batman, Chuck Norris, or Jack Bauer?

I would.

Easy ... Chuck Norris would easily win.  Van Diesel is not that big a deal, and would get killed by Chuck Norris.  Batman would get his ass kicked and then come back with a Batmobile or something.  Jack Bauer would just torture Vin Diesel after he lost.

Batman.  This doesn't even warrant an explanation.

MacGyver (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_problems_solved_by_MacGyver).

Only a woman would include Vin Diesel on this list.

It would end up Bauer v. Norris.  There would be nothing left in the world but a huge mountain with them on top duking it out, like the wizard and the fire monster in Lord of the Rings.  In the end the Lord would call a truce and Bauer would put a bullet in Norris’ head while he was diverted by God.  Then all that would be left would be Bauer and the mountain.  And he’d finally be happy.

Batman's a scientist.

Las Vegas odds-makers.


Girls know when other girls look good.  Why can't dudes tell when other dudes look good?

For the most part, all guys are ugly.  Conversely, even gay guys can appreciate the beauty of a nice rack.

This is a faulty premise.  Dudes know when other dudes look good.  Openly admitting as such when they're a perceived threat is a whole different matter.  It's not unlike girls who nitpick other obviously attractive girls as a defense mechanism.

I do.  I’m jealous of tons of guys.  For instance, Rat has a great ass.  I have no ass, a flat ass.  Rat has a great ass.  I have no problem saying that.

Because we're busy looking at the girls who look good, and hoping they start making out with the girls who know they look good.

Brad Pitt is good looking and I usually end up doing 100 push-ups after watching Fight Club. Are you happy now?

I generally can, but sometimes I'm surprised.  You'd be surprised sometimes too at which girls look good to a guy.  I'm surprised myself sometimes . . . it’s like . . . why do I keep visualizing her in high heels and a dog collar?  I can't figure it out...


Why do some men say they want to marry you on the second date, then stop calling after the fifth?

The marriage line is to entice you to have sex.  If it hasn't happened by date five, then why don't we just agree that this relationship isn't really going to work?

The girl puts out on the fourth date.

After the second date, we forget that there are a million things we have to learn about each other first.  When the fifth rolls around, we've knocked a good portion of those off the list and realized that we made a huge mistake. We get a little excited at times.

How do go you from "I think we should get married" to "Actually, I changed my mind.  I don't think I like you enough to get married.  We can still date, though."?  And we don't really want to hear your response to it, because we imagine it to not be pleasant.  So we just pretend nothing ever happened.

Why do people just stop calling after a couple dates?  (By the way, women are just as guilty of this as men.)  Honestly, it's not necessarily on purpose.  Sometimes we decide we're not interested, and we want to call and have that conversation, but we don't want to do it in a time crunch or in other ways that may seem insensitive.  So we put it off for a day.  And another.  And after a while, a good intention turns into never calling at all.  And at some point, it just seems too late.

Wait until the 12th date -- then he'll want to marry you again.  But you should definitely find a way out of the 17th date. That's when he'll tell you he's lusting after your best friend.


Do men actually not like chick flicks, or do they just say they hate them because they're supposed to?

We hate chick flicks, but put up with them in the hopes that you will be in a better mood and we'll get some afterwards.  Chick flicks suck, unless of course, there's a hot chick.  And then we can stomach it for at least a little bit longer.

I’d say its about 70/30.  Men like some chick flicks, but say they hate all of them to portray some semblance of manhood.

We hate them.  If a movie has bad writing, bad acting, and a bad plot, it should have guns, explosions, and at least one bad guy who gets his ass beat by a guy with no shirt on and blood running down his face.

We like some chick flicks as long as they're not cheesy . . . and as long as you don't start criticizing our relationship afterwards, i.e. "See, why won’t you do that for me?!"

Women, when your guy is gone for the weekend, do you pull out his copy of Delta Force or Conan the Destroyer?  Well, you're not alone.  We don't secretly throw in Like Water For Chocolate or French Kiss when you're gone either.

Guy flicks and chick flicks are two sides of the same coin.  They're both terms used for sub-par films that take the most non-discriminating fan of romantic comedy/drama/action/whatever-it-is to actually enjoy.  The Apartment? Classic romantic comedy.  You've Got Mail?  Mediocre tripe, therefore it's a 'chick flick.'  Similarly, The Rock? Now there's a modern action movie you can set your watch to.  Bad Boys 2?  A waste of film stock outside of a decent car chase, therefore 'guy flick.'

Men love chick flicks.  It does all the work for us.  We pretend to hate them, and then as a sign of sacrifice, we'll watch them with you.  By that point, you're so amazed that we watched the whole thing with our eyes opened . . . well, it's pretty much a lay-up from there.

I'm married.  Just go with your girlfriends.  The charade is over.


Why do men all seem to think John Cusack is the coolest guy ever?

If I ever said this at any point I apologize to all people I know.

No way.  He’s about 32 on my list.  Cool, yes.  Coolest?  Get in line, John.

Let me list the top 5 reasons John Cusack is the coolest guy ever...

We don't.  We just tell you that because if we tell you who we really think is cool, you'll start bitching about "macho bullsh*t."

John Cusack is a fruit and walks like a sissy.

SAT Coolness Fill-In
 
Me :: John Cusack = John Cusack :: ___________

a) Shaq
b) Steve McQueen
c) Snoop Dogg
d) Sam Elliott
e) Anybody who ever played James Bond, even Timothy Dalton
f) All of the above and about a thousand other guys.  Seriously, Cusack?


Why do single men fail to wash their sheets/towels/clothes more than once a year?

That is a damn fine question.  I guess until they smell I never really saw the point.

Because it doesn't bother us, and the women we bring home are not going to know. And even if they suspect it, they ain’t got no proof.

I can’t remember why I used to do that.  It freaks me out.  But I did.  I just don’t know.

Because we don't mind, so why bother?  Plus if you have noticed the dirty sheets/towels/clothes, then we probably already hooked up with you and there is no longer any need to impress anyone.

As part of the rationing program of WW2, the OSS released a Top Secret schedule that mandated how often single men should wash their clothes, bedding and towels.  Underwear, socks and t-shirts get washed after being worn once unless they were worn for less than 8 hours AND you didn't exert yourself.  Jeans get washed every other month unless they are subjected to 4 small spills/stains or 2 large spills/stains.  Towels are to be washed when you smell worse after drying off than you did before you showered.  Sheets and pillowcases get washed if it may help you "seal the deal."  Blankets and outer bedding don't get washed -- they get burned.

Some people, when living on their own, don't have enough incentive to clean up after themselves and need some sort of external influence.  Quite possibly the greatest influence is the prospect of sex with a girl who doesn't charge by the hour.

Our sweat has cleansing powers.


Is it appropriate for your girlfriend to address you as "dude"?

In my mind, that’s about as cool as it gets.  When she starts off with dude, you’ve got a keeper.  As long as it’s the minor “dude” and not the Keanu “dude.”

Sure, if I can call her "buuuuuuddy."

It totally depends on the situation.  If she says, "Dude, what did you do to the bathroom?" or "Dude, that was disgusting!" then it's okay.  But there's something fundamentally wrong about saying, "Dude, let's go apple-picking" or "Dude, can my mother stay with us for a week?"

No.  My woman will always address me as 'sir.'  On an unrelated note, I am also currently single. Any takers?


Do you truly want to bang most of your female friends?

Not really, but if the opportunity presented itself . . . actually, wait, on second thought, yes.  Uh, yea.

Yes. I can't think of any, not a single one, that I wouldn't bang if there were no repercussions.

Absolutely.  “Most” may be a bit strong, but quite a few.  And that’s why this is anonymous.

If we're both single, and it wouldn't hurt our friendship or cause any other negative consequences, wouldn't you want to bang some of your friends?

No!  Of course n . . . well, yeah, kinda.  But not all at the same time!

There are many layers to this onion.  Let me try to make this into a formula that applies to female friends who I am not interested in dating.  Assuming a scale of 0 to 10 for attractiveness and personality, I would want to bang a female friend in situations where the score to this equation is greater than 7:

Score = (Attractiveness * (# of six packs consumed + 1) * (months since last had sex +1) * Personality) / (Personality)

Like a screen door in a hurricane.


THE QUESTIONS FOR THE WOMEN

Why do women always have to go to the bathroom together?

First of all, wow -- creative question.  Never heard that one before.  As every woman is different, I would suspect there are many reasons, some of which include the desire for companionship, not wanting to get lost looking for it alone, and having the impetus to go when you were already getting close to having to go anyway.  Additionally, there are all sorts of cases where women don't always go together.  I for one prefer to go myself.

To have someone to talk to while waiting in an hour-long line.

So we can gossip about men, get a tampon from our friends if we have forgotten one, and to make better use of the couch that is inevitably there.

Clearly, to talk about the men.  Also, if we suspect that the men we are with will be staring at our asses as we leave, a larger group of women leaving at once will lessen the chance of each woman's ass being singled out and examined.  It's sort of a dilution effect.

We stash hotter guys in there. It's not fair if that bitch gets them all to herself.


Why are women always cold?  I've never heard of a guy get excited about a seat warmer.

We aren't really cold.  It's the only way we can get our man to show some semblance of affection in public.

Women are always cold because they’re surrounded by men who are always warm and turning up the air conditioning.

What? You don't understand getting excited over a semi-useless gadget?

If you find out the answer, please let me know.  I would love to not be cold all the time.  Though some reasons potentially include being thinner (less fat/insulation) or having a slower metabolism and wearing less clothes. When was the last time you saw a guy wearing a spaghetti-strap tank top?


Why do you insist on not ordering dessert/fries/etc., but always end up eating 3/4 of mine?

Have you ever watched your friend get a lap dance?  Because it smells good, and we can't help it.

Because ordering them makes us feel like pigs.  However, when they are sitting in front of us, the desire to eat them outweighs the desire to not feel like a pig.

Why don't you grow a pair and not let other people take your dessert?  Oh right, sex.

It only has calories if it sits on our plates.

Women are able to avoid temptation if it is several degrees removed.  Choosing to order dessert, then choosing to eat it once it arrives, involves more than one "checkpoint," and each checkpoint provides another chance for us to use our willpower to resist.  If the delicious delicacy is right in front of us, the game's over.

If I don't order them, they don't count. Obviously.

Because we know you hate that.


I have women-friends who allow me to adjust their bras/see them in their underwear/put their head on my stomach when watching a movie.  However, it seems to be all because I'm either a brother-like figure or someone completely harmless.  Is that really it, or are these really signs of interest no matter what the verbal communication is?

Ah, yes.  You are the "validator."  She will continue to push the envelope, knowing full well that you want her.  Even though she doesn't want you, it's nice for her to know that she could have you if she wanted.  We're so selfish, aren't we?  Don't take offense, it's all about her insecurity and she will eventually realize that you are exactly the kind of guy she was looking for in the first place . . . (sigh).

It depends.  Maybe you are just a master bra-adjuster and an awesome pillow.  But if I was really that comfortable around someone, I can't say that I wouldn't on some level want something more.  As for the brother-like figure . . . I'm pretty sure my brother doesn't like to see me in my underwear.

That kind of intimacy with a man is satisfying.  It may have nothing to do with you, or she may have a crush on you and want you to like her.  I have done both, but more often than not there is something underlying it...

Either.  Or she thinks you're gay.

Interesting.  Unfortunately, I think the answer depends on the type of girl that is allowing you to do all of these non-friend things.  It is a very good possibility that she has no interest in you at all, but would be flattered if you showed interest in her, so she lets it happen.

It's probably a sign of some sort level of attraction.  I don't think anyone would let someone they thought was totally gross get that close to them.  However, just because I'm attracted to you doesn't mean I want anything more than being friends.

That’s really it.


Why don't you say what you mean?  If I say, "Go have fun," or, "No, I'm not mad," it’s because I want you to go have fun, or I’m not mad.  I have found that this is not necessarily the case with women.

Because we like to mess with your heads.

Okay, what this means is, "What are you thinking? First off, you want to ***(insert idiotic behavior here)***, and then you actually have the nerve to ASK me if I'm mad about it?  If you are so dumb that you think that behavior or activity is okay, then there is no hope of explaining it to you.  Now, if you are not that dumb, so that you KNOW it is unacceptable, AND you think you can come to me for validation of your poor judgment, you are DEAD WRONG, BUSTER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??"  Now, there are two correct courses of action: 1) DON''T DO IT.  2) If you must do it, go to your significant other and say, "I really want to do this absolutely dumb thing, and I know it will make you mad; how long will I be in trouble for this?”  If she responds with a time duration, then you pay your penance and have a nice time.  If she says, "No, no, I'm really not angry," then know that you are in SUCH trouble, your best course of action is to cancel your plans, and buy some flowers.

If you want the real answer, ask three times.  The first two answers are a test to see whether or not you really know us.

Sometimes I don't want to feel the way I do, so I say what I would say if I felt the way I wanted to.  Maybe they think you should be smart enough to know that you shouldn't go have fun or know that they're mad, so they're pissed off anyway.  Sometimes they want to not talk about why they're mad (rare, I know) so lie about being mad.  And sometimes, just sometimes, they may actually be telling the truth!

Hm.  I thought we only did that on TV.  I'll have to bring it up at the next bathroom meeting.


Why does it take so long to shower?  I have twice the surface area of most every girl I meet, yet take less than half the time to clean it.

One word: Hair.  In two facets, hair causes me to take a longer shower than you.  Part A consists of removing undesired hair.  Part B consists of taking care of the hair you like to play with on my head.  I take more time because I don't just rub a bar of soap over my head.

We shave in the shower!  And I highly doubt that any man would stay with a hairy girlfriend, even if she was punctual all the time.

Taking a shower is something to enjoy . . . not finish as quickly as possible.  I would much prefer to stay in the warm shower than hop out into the rest of the cold bathroom.  Maybe you should stop and enjoy your shower next time.

It takes a long time to shampoo and condition long hair and shave your legs.  It takes exponentially longer to do these things when the water pressure sucks.  When I cut my hair 13 inches it took between 5 and 10 minutes off my shower time.

Women do a much more thorough job of washing than men do.  First, we must wet our shower pouf, then pour shower gel on it, work it into a lather, then begin to wash.  And instead of going over every surface once, we actually scrub.  That's why we smell better. 


So, say I like a big ass.  When you ask me, "Does my ass look fat in these jeans?" what am I supposed to say?  “Hell yeah!” just never seems like the right answer, even if I'm thinking it.

LOL, that first sentence was great.

The trick is that it's not really a yes or no question -- it’s a pathetic scam to get you to tell her she looks beautiful. You can avoid this problem by saying, "DAMN, you look good!!!" every time she pulls on a pair of pants.  Please note that this does NOT apply to sweat pants, as you would be hitch-kicked in the balls.

Instead of saying, "Yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans" you should say "Your ass looks hot in those jeans" because to you they are the same.  Women just take less offense to being called hot than to being called fat.

Regardless of your personal preferences, no girl wants to have an affirmative answer to any question relating any part of her and the word fat.

Perhaps the truth?


Why is the answer to "Where do you want to eat / go?" always "I don’t know / care"?  If you never know or care what or where you want to eat, who is feeding you when we aren't around?

We are just trying to be accommodating.  Would you rather have a control freak?

What?  The answer is clearly, always McDonald’s.

Your best friend.  He knows what we like to eat.

This reminds me of the overused question in philosophy: If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Who said we eat well when you're not there to feed us?  Besides, when else can I eat cottage cheese in peace?  If I told you I wanted to go out and have a salad, you'd harass me anyway, so I really don't care where I eat.


Do women really decide within the first two minutes of meeting a guy whether or not she would have sex with him?  If so, can that decision be reversed?

Mostly true.  It can be reversed, but it takes a long time.  So, no, a few more drinks and a slick line won't get her home at the end of the night.

Usually.  It can only be reversed on the third Friday after a full moon by using a good joke or Jäger.

Yes, definitely.  You have to decide quickly if he will just be a friend or if there's potential, because that dictates your entire mindset and behavior towards him.  Decisions can be reversed under special circumstances, but not easily.  A yes-sex to no-sex conversion is easier, because finding out that a guy is sweaty/smelly/an a**hole makes a reversal quite simple.

Uh, me?  No.


What’s the big deal with the toilet seat?  Aren’t you at least somewhat thankful that we’re lifting it?  Then when you put it down, it's at least clean.

When it’s down, we never have to see the pee you leave on the rim of the bowl -- at least until we inevitably clean the toilet.  Maybe if you offered to clean the bathroom we wouldn't mind if you left the seat up.

I don't want to touch it after you've peed all over it.  It's your pee.  You touch it.

Yes, thank you for putting it up.  I would say in someone else's house, it's considerate to return the toilet seat to whatever position you found it in.  That said, it's disgusting to not close the thing -- so just make it simple and put BOTH lids down.  And do it before flushing.  Gross.  I'm pretty sure it was in a State of the Union column that I read some statistic about how much toilet water gets spewed out on a flush and the proximity of one's toothbrush to most toilets. Ew.

What's so hard about putting the damn thing down yourself?

It’s funny that you mention that.  Just this morning I had the unpleasant experience of taking an unwanted dip into the cool, clean (?) water in the toilet bowl.  I did not enjoy it.  It’s like if you went to sit down in your favorite La-Z-Boy recliner to watch the game and perhaps take a nap, and you suddenly realized that it wasn’t your recliner at all, but it was, in fact, a BOWL OF TOILET WATER.

I don't know what to tell you.  I am the only female on earth not bothered by the toilet seat issue.  Wanna get some coffee?


Why do women always expect they guy to buy the drinks at a bar?

Because if you don't, some other guy will.  And if the other guy won't, I could be having beer at home with my girlfriends and you could be hanging out at a bar full of . . . other guys who won't buy girls drinks.  Sound like fun?  I didn't think so.  Next round is on you.

It’s what we charge for you to be able to stare at us.

We don't, but you pay anyway.  Suckers.

Why do men always expect women to cook?

Because that's what guys are for.   He's the one that wants to get the girl drunk, right?

You go to bars with the wrong women.


What are some good examples of what not to get your wife/girlfriend on birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day?

My grandfather gave my grandmother a vacuum cleaner once for her birthday, and she was really pissed.

A vacuum, a sticky note that says "out with the guys, don't wait up," tummy-tucker panties, a Football Bloopers DVD, clothes that are two sizes too big, clothes that are two sizes too small, a perfume that is not our own, a sequin handbag...

Generic things (flowers, candy, etc.) can be bad, though some women seem to like them.

Anything that can fall under the category of “Household Items,” venereal diseases, power tools, edible underwear, Easy Mac, anything that you can buy at a gas station, a “Pardon the Interruption” t-shirt sized XL, medicines for venereal diseases, money, a copy of that special video the two of you made when you first started dating, exercise equipment, Girl Scout cookies, or subscriptions to magazines.  No, wait, money is okay.

Anything available at the dollar store . . . unless, you know, it's really awesome.


Why do women say Valentine's Day isn't important to them, but penalize boyfriends/husbands who fail to recognize the occasion?

It's not important.  It's a trite Hallmark holiday.  But that doesn't excuse you from being trite.  All of our Moms got us heart cards and candy every year when we were growing up, and all we could think about was the day we would get a heart card from a boy.  Just indulge us, please.

Penalize?  Like send you back 10 yards?  Who the heck wrote that?!  But anyway, I don't know.  It's silly to say one thing and do another, but that's not something that's specific to women.

Because we are lying when we say it isn't important.  Just like the six-month anniversary is important.  And every anniversary following that.

We really do enjoy messing with your heads.


Need something to brighten up your dorm-room door? Want a little something to tape to the inside of the bathroom stall at work? Download a printer-friendly version of the highlights of the men’s answers here and the women’s answers here.

Still need more Man Wisdom? Be sure to check out the State of the Union archives for previous installments: The original Man Wisdom (2003), Return of the Man Wisdom (2005) and Return of the Man Wisdom, Part II (2005). Sorry: the archives are completely bereft of Woman Wisdom. For now.

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