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 Saved By The Bell
Anyone who’s ever wandered around the Internet, or for that matter, the block, knows that there’s really too much going on in the world for any one human being to process it all, let alone make sense of it. That’s why I enjoy the WOTY process every year: not only do I get to spend time re-laughing at a bunch of dumb stuff that happened in the year gone by, but I get great insights and observations from my readers who have been trawling the corners of the universe that I myself have not had the opportunity, or the appropriate papers, to visit.
Thus, with a hearty thanks to those intrepid readers who submitted nominations, I proudly (well, maybe proud isn’t really the right word) bring you the:
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson
2004: Scott Peterson Trial
2005: Jennifer Wilbanks, Runaway Bride
2006 Nominees: Barbaro; Britney and K-Fed’s breakup; Congressman/pedophile Mark Foley; Dick Cheney’s hunting adventures; Duke Lacrosse; Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic rant; Michael Richards’ racist rant; O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It” almost book/TV special; JonBenet Ramsey.
It’s true what they say about hindsight: when you learn how things ultimately turn out, you feel bad about the jokes you made at somebody else’s expense when, if you’d had any foresight, you might’ve been a bit more sensitive. For instance, one of the nominators, in submitting Barbaro’s name in this category, wrote of the colt, “I mean, if he didn’t win an important horse race, he would be holding together craft projects for third graders.” Clearly, this is an insensitive remark: since No Child Left Behind, there’s just no room in education budgets for third graders to do craft projects anymore.
Now, if we looked at this category with a focus on the not going away part, the JonBenet Ramsey story would have it locked up -- coming back after being gone for 10 years is an impressive bit of refusing to go away. And it’s amazing how that little girl never ages.
Okay, that was insensitive. But in terms of the worst story, the story that just made you want to change the channel every time somebody started talking about it, I’m going to have to give the nod to the Duke Lacrosse story. This is a bad story that still won’t go away; the fact that the slimy District Attorney joins the sketchy lacrosse players as targets of scrutiny doesn’t make the story any more palatable. When the hearing that’s now been postponed until May finally happens, this story will have lingered for 14 months -- and I suspect that won’t be the last we hear of it, either.
 And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays
2004: The Cream and The Clear
2005: A football move
2006 Nominees: Joe Buck’s omnipresence on Fox; “Out with a [insert body part here]”; High school football teams making rap videos; Pink’s opening sequence on Sunday Night Football; “Individual effort”; “They are who we thought they were”.
One of the best things about stuff people nominate for the worst is when they’re also kinda the best. For example, one reader suggested that high school football teams making rap videos was a bad trend, then sent along the link to Tift County (Ga.) High School’s “Devil Walk” video. This is the Super Bowl Shuffle for the YouTube generation -- except that Tift County lost to Roswell 24-10 in the state semifinals. But if this actually did become a trend, with lots of teams making their own rap videos, I think it would be at least a couple months before I got bored with it.
I am, however, already bored with the “out with a _______” construction so in favor of late with football commentators (including the omnipresent, increasingly full-of-himself Joe Buck) who insist on declaring that a player is “out with a knee” or “out with a hammy.” Announcers of the world, find me a football player who is not out with two knees! That would be noteworthy. What you mean is that the gentleman in question is out with a knee injury, or a hamstring pull -- not out with a knee, or a hamstring, or a spleen, or what have you. As one reader wrote, “People get ACL tears, they don’t go out with a knee. They already had the knee.”
Irritating as this phrase is, I found that it didn’t make me scream at the television nearly as much as the inane declaration that a player had given a great “individual effort.” Monday Night Football’s Joe Theismann is the worst offender here, but he is hardly the only announcer to offer utterances like, “Watch this here, this is just a great individual effort by the cornerback” while setting up a replay. Perhaps my ignorance stems from a failure to have competed in the NFL, but Joe, please tell me: what other kind of effort could the cornerback have given?
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone
2004: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
2005: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
2006 Nominees: Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl; Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone; International Bowl; Meineke Car Care Bowl; Papajohns.com Bowl; R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl; San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.
While the names of bowl games get goofier and goofier every year, I will admit this: because of their choice to sponsor games, I have now heard of the San Diego County Credit Union, Gaylord Hotels, R+L Carriers, and Bell Helicopter, whereas previous to their naming-rights purchases, these companies were nonentities to me, as I suspect they were to most of the nation. However, despite the millions no doubt invested in these advertising/vanity ventures, the slapping of their brands on these bowls hasn’t increased the likelihood of my doing business with them -- partly because I don’t live in San Diego, partly because they’ve contributed to the mockery of the bowl system itself, and partly because I don’t buy helicopters.
(The Papajohns.com Bowl is a notable exception -- while it’s a terrifically dumb name for a bowl game, I advise you not to idly visit the website if you’re the least bit hungry. Consider yourself warned.)
This last item begs a rather curious question: who does buy helicopters? And is their purchase likely to be influenced by a name on a bowl game featuring Utah and Tulsa? Or, as one nominator wrote, “Why advertise helicopters? You either know someone on the Armed Forces Committee or you don’t.”
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2000: The Bob ‘N’ Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica’s Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox’s Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn’s Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)
2004: Ron Artest and the Malice at the Palace (Indianapolis Pacers/Detroit Pistons)
2005: Steve Smith’s Baby Wipes Touchdown Celebration (Carolina Panthers)
2006 Nominees: Albert Haynesworth’s stomp on Andre Gurode’s head; Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks/Nuggets Brawl; Marcus Vick’s leg stomp of Elvis Dumervil; FIU/Miami brawl; Michael Barrett’s punch of A.J. Pierzynski; New York Giants’ “Ballin’” jumpshot celebration; Shawne Merriman’s Lights Out celebration; Zinedine Zidane’s head butt of Marco Materazzi.
YouTube has really transformed this category -- finally, you’re just one click away from seeing the stupidity! -- but what strikes me most about these nominees is the violence. When this category was conceived, I figured it would focus on mocking the Bob ‘N’ Weave and its silly successors. But pretty boy Rick Fox changed that in 2002, and it seems that even years have been angry, violent years ever since. So while the Giants’ lame jumpshots were annoying, and Shawne Merriman’s spastic “Lights Out” shtick should’ve been banned by the league -- especially after his little steroid suspension -- sack celebrations seem rather petty compared to all the stomping, punching and brawling that went on in 2006.
And yet for me, the most memorable nominee is the one that was not only replayed over and over again all across the world, but the one that was possibly the most costly to its team. Yes, Carmelo missed 15 games, and Albert Haynesworth was suspended for 5 games, and two FIU players got kicked off the team, but Zinedine Zidane might have cost France the World Cup. What could Italy’s Marco Materazzi possibly have said about Zidane’s mother or sister that was a) original or b) worth getting kicked out of the World Cup final with 10 minutes to play in a tie game? Zidane not only had the opportunity to walk away, he was walking away -- and then he turned and tried to snap Materazzi’s sternum with his forehead. Zidane got the inevitable red card, and France lost in a shootout.
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2001: Emeril
2003: The Simple Life
2004: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap (Tie)
2005: Dancing With The Stars
2006 Nominees: Armed and Famous; Deal or No Deal; Ego Trip’s The (white) Rapper Show; I Love New York, MTV Exposed; My Super Sweet 16; Show Me The Money; Survivor’s Race-Based Tribes.
There was so much overlap between the Worst Concept for a Television Show category (which hasn’t had a “winner” since 2001) and the Worst New Reality Show category that it seemed somewhat arbitrary to draw a line between the two, so I made an executive decision to combine them; thus this category is now the Worst New Concept in Reality Television. Hopefully, that covers the territory sufficiently. Though the short-lived “Emeril” from 2001 wasn’t reality TV per se, I’m adding its win (indeed the only one) from the erstwhile the Worst Concept category to the Worst Reality Show previous winners list, mostly because I believe it’s important that we remember that someone once thought a sitcom based on Emeril Lagasse, featuring Emeril Lagasse, was a good idea. Lesson: some things are best kept to the Food Network.
That said, after reviewing clips from some of the nominees, the category might be better named TV Show Most Contributing to the Decline of Western Civilization. Friends, nothing good can come from a show about Sweet 16 parties that cost $300,000. As well, there is nothing to be gained by dividing people up by race and pitting them against each other -- we already have that in this country, and it’s called politics.
As cheapening of humanity as the offerings in this category may be, the one that depresses me the most is Armed and Famous. I don’t mind that it gives pseudolebrities like LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne another 15 minutes -- at this point, I’m immune to celebrecycling. I do mind how little credibility the show gives to police work. Call me old-fashioned, but remember those solemn days after 9/11, when we spoke in hushed, reverent tones about brave police officers, not just in New York, but everywhere? Tell me, then, is it not disturbingly disrespectful to the very idea of law enforcement to suggest that LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne are “real cops”?
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2002: Tawny Kitaen
2004: Tony Danza
2006 Nominees: Dustin Diamond (Screech); Mario Lopez (Slater); Howie Mandell; O.J. Simpson.
What a year for Saved by the Bell alumni! First, Mario Lopez made a splash with a stint on Dancing With The Stars, and then Dustin Diamond, whose acting credits include not just Saved by the Bell but also Saved By the Bell: The College Years and Saved by the Bell: The New Class, came out with a new film. Now, if you are unfamiliar with this latest episode in the adventures of Screech . . . I’m not going to tell you about it, because my mother reads this. But I’m sure that if you Google “Screech Sex Tape,” you’ll be just as nauseated as I was.
Now, if only somebody could track down Lark Voorhies . . .
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2004: Hoobastank
2005: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
2006 Nominees: Death Cab for Cutie; Gnarls Barkley; Panic! at the Disco; Plain White T’s; Tokyo Police Club.
If you’ve ever picked up the local alternative weekly and skimmed through the music listings, you know there are some incredibly painful band names out there. Alternately, if you’ve seen the Onion A.V. Club’s “Worst Band Names of ‘06” list, you know that the list of nominees in this category could be 200 bands long.
Thus, while Sh-Sh-Sh-Shark Attack!!! is a ridiculous name, I’m keeping them out of the list of nominees, because until I saw them on that Onion list I’d never heard of them -- and they only have 760 MySpace friends. I have, however, heard of Panic! at the Disco, and not only because they’re currently featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. And I mention these two bands in the same paragraph because it’s clear to me that the Panic! at the Disco boys are up to something bigger than just a really dumb band name: they’re mainstreaming band-name punctuation. This, I believe, can not end well. Once the exclamation point attains cliché status in the band-name milieu (remember when “King” seemed clever? Then came Citizen King, the Kings of Convenience, Kings of Leon, and the Kottonmouth Kings, to name four of the 601 artists listed on RollingStone.com with “king” in their name), what will be next? Colons? Semicolons? Commas?
Much as I would like the world to understand and appreciate the semicolon, it does not belong in a band name. Unless that band is named Semicolon.
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay
2004: Work
2005: Blocking Fantasy Sports Sites
2006 Nominees: Work; Coworkers; Tucking in your shirt; Crackberries.
The Blackberry is a veteran victor in these awards, having taken home the Worst Technological Advancement trophy in 2002. But in 2006, it went from being just another soul-sucking piece of technology to a Joe-Buck-like presence that insisted on extending the work day into nights and weekends, and extending the office to anywhere you could get a signal. Put another way, it went from being a Blackberry to being a Crackberry. Much like real crack, the Crackberry offers a short-term high, is instantly addictive, and leaves heartbreak and ruined lives in its wake.
Ladies and gentlemen, the leisure-time gulf between the United States and Europe is wide and getting wider. A Crackberry is just a shiny new toy corporate America uses to distract you while handcuffing you to your cubicle. Take a stand while you still can.
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2000: Corporate Internet tracking
2002: Blackberry
2003: Camera Phones
2005: Bluetooth Earpieces
2006 Nominees: Social networking sites; Segway; YouTube; mp3 player phones.
One of the nominators summed up the trouble with social networking sites perfectly: “Wanna be my friend but never actually interact?” Oh, yes, I know, thanks to social networking sites, I was Time’s 2006 Person of the Year. But that doesn’t make MySpace any less of a time-sucking cesspool, does it?
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox
2005: Febreze Scentstories
2006 Nominees: Cocaine energy drink; Daytona 500 cologne; PlayStation 3; Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner.
Clearly I’m missing something: which scent in the air at the Daytona 500 would I actually want to smell like? Exhaust? Gasoline? Burnt rubber? Bud Light? The inside of a NASCAR fire suit?
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil’ Kim, Old Navy
2004: David Spade, Capital One
2005: Joan Cusack, U.S. Cellular
2006 Nominees: Common, The Gap; Dan Marino, NutriSystem; Jay-Z, Bud Select; Kenny Mayne, Progressive; Martin Scorcese, American Express; Peyton Manning, DirecTV; Peyton Manning, MasterCard; Peyton Manning, NFLshop.com; Peyton Manning, Sprint.
Considering that Jay-Z, who made his name rhyming about sipping Cristal and living a life of crime, decided in 2006 that a solid career move to complement coming out of retirement was not only to shill for Budweiser Select -- a low-carb beer, for the love of Pete -- but to become the co-brand director for the beverage, it would take something special to knock him out of the winner’s circle in this category.
Peyton Manning is something special. As one nominator wrote, “Something has to be done about Peyton Manning being in EVERY SINGLE AD AIRED DURING NFL GAMES. I mean, come on, there isn’t one other NFL athlete with more charisma than Peyton Freakin’ Manning? Warren Sapp maybe? Or John Lynch? Hell, I’d gladly buy anything hawked by Titans Safety Cortland Finnegan as long as that company promised to never pay Peyton Manning to be their spokesperson. Enough already!”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
And the 2006 WOTY goes to:
STAY TUNED NEXT WEEK for the return of Man Wisdom, and the introduction of Woman Wisdom.
Then on Friday, February 16th, the 2006 WOTYs continue with Part II, featuring the Worst Celebrity That Wouldn’t Go Away, the Worst Television Commercial, and The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award. See you then!
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