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 Enough Already
Is it really still 2006?
They say that the older you get, the faster the years go by, but I’ve never been this old before, and this year seems like it took at least two and a half.
I realize that some of the reasons this year has felt like an era are personal -- getting married and moving each warp time in their own way.
But I saw something online the other day that mentioned the 2006 winter Olympics in Torino, and I actually had to pause for a moment and ask myself: did we really have an Olympics this year? Those Games feel like they were four lifetimes ago, as does the distant memory of 2005.
The calendar, a proven time-tracking technology, says it’s only been 12 months, so I’ll take it at its word, but 2006 certainly hasn’t behaved like a normal year.
Perhaps I’m disoriented by the year-in-review shows that started right after Thanksgiving, with more than a month to go in 2006, or the fact that I’m already receiving spam with a sent date of 2007. (Of course, I’ve also been receiving spam lately with sent dates of 2018, so maybe that’s not it at all. I don’t know if you’re getting them, too, but I find these emails especially depressing; maybe I’m just being naïve, but I always figured we’d have the spam issue resolved by 2013, at the latest.)
Disorientation and time warps aside, the fact of the matter is, only one more weekend remains of 2006, which means it’s time for the 2006 WOTYs.
For the uninitiated, the WOTYs are the State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards, not to be confused with the Word of the Year -- which Merriam-Webster has already awarded to “truthiness” (which might also explain some of this year’s time troubles), although other word organizations have their own opinions.
But I digress. With the WOTYs, we take a painful look back at the year that was, all the while looking hopefully at the year to be, which, at least for the next few days, is still free of the public displays of stupidity, poor judgment and bad taste that marked the last 12 months.
Since this is an audience participation deal, the whole thing is much more funner if you pitch in your two cents, so here’s how it works:
1. Read through the categories below and review the previous “winners,” appreciating both how much dumb stuff has happened so far this millennium and the fact that in spite of it all, you can be hopeful about 2007 without people looking at you funny.
2. Click on the link at the bottom to submit your nominees for the worst of 2006 in said categories.
3. Add any write-in categories you think are missing.
4. Relax in the knowledge that after six years of doing this, I’ve become quite good at picking winners, and that your nominations are in safe hands.
If you can’t remember all the way back to January, there are any number of resources available to jog your memory, including VH1’s Big in ’06, Comedy Central’s Last Laugh 2006, or, for an alternate perspective on the year that was, Yahoo! Canada’s Year in Review 2006, where the most-searched-for term of 2006 was “NHL.”
Like I said, an alternate perspective.
Before we get to the categories, we’ve got a new category alert:
 New Category! Worst WOTY Category
In the spirit of fairness, and because somebody nominated it as a new category last year, we bring you the first WOTY meta-category. As you peruse the categories below, take note of those that bore you, nauseate you, or otherwise seem not worth the pixels they’re printed in -- the winner of this category will be dropped from the WOTYs in future years, as we thin the herd for a leaner, meaner WOTYs in 2007.
Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson
2004: Scott Peterson Trial
2005: Jennifer Wilbanks, Runaway Bride
Looking at that list makes me really miss the Nineties.
Worst Political Trend
2004: 527 Committees / “I’m George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message.”
2005: Cronyism
Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo
2002: Bipartisan Politics
2003: Weapons of Mass Destruction
2005: Heckuva Job
New Category! Worst Performance of Stated Job by a Public Official
See? Another one. I really do listen to your new category submissions. At least the ones that aren’t dumb.
Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays
2004: The Cream and The Clear
2005: A football move
Worst Name for a College Bowl Game
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone
2004: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
2005: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Can anything top the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone? Doubtful. But the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was no slouch, setting a new record for most adjectives (six, if you count “San” and “Diego” individually) used to modify the word “bowl.” Can it take the title again? Scout out the competition at ESPN.com.
Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly
2000: The Bob ‘N’ Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica’s Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox’s Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn’s Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)
2004: Ron Artest and the Malice at the Palace (Indianapolis Pacers/Detroit Pistons)
2005: Steve Smith’s Baby Wipes Touchdown Celebration (Carolina Panthers)
Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly
2002: Najeh Davenport’s Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy’s Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)
2004: Ron Artest’s Record Promotion (Indiana Pacers/Truwarier)
2005: Terrell Owens’ Self-Destruction (Philadelphia Eagles)
The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award
2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2004: Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)
2005: Nashville Predators (Mustard Alternate Jerseys)
Worst New Entertainment Trend
2000: Reality TV
2005: Celebrity Couple Mononyms (Brangelina, TomKat)
2005 finally ended the four-year drought in this category. Can 2006 produce another worst? (Note: Not every category earns a winner every year. Just wanted to clarify that -- I didn’t want you thinking that a) there were no bad new entertainment trends from 2001-2004 or b) that I forgot.)
Worst New Reality Show
2003: The Simple Life
2004: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap (Tie)
2005: Dancing With The Stars
Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away
2000: The Cast of “Survivor”
2001: Carrot Top
2002: Jennifer Lopez
2003: Paris Hilton
2004: Ashlee Simpson
2005: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson
Worst Comeback from a Celebrity You Thought You’d Never Hear From Again
2002: Tawny Kitaen
2004: Tony Danza
A winner this year will confirm my suspicion that this is an even-year only category. Hm.
Worst Concept For A Television Show
2001: Emeril
Worst Television Commercial
2002: Capital One (Entire “What’s In Your Wallet?” Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub (“Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”)
2004: Levitra (“My Man.”)
2005: Diet Pepsi (NFL Draft / Diet Pepsi Machine)
Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway
2000: “Higher/With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
2001: “I’m A Slave 4 U,” Britney Spears
2002: “Like I Love You,” Justin Timberlake
2003: “Milkshake,” Kelis
2005: “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas
Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song
2000: “Take A Picture,” Filter
2001: “Lady Marmalade,” Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: “Dilemma,” Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: “Baby Boy,” Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004: “The Reason,” Hoobastank
2005: “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg
Hoobastank Worst Band Name Award
2004: Hoobastank
2005: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Worst Office Trend
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay
2004: Work
2005: Blocking Fantasy Sports Sites
Worst Email Spam
2000: The Microsoft “email tracker”
2001: “Increase your ejaculation by 583%!”
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance
2004: Important Online Banking Alert
2005: The Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical
It’s amazing: the Microsoft “email tracker” took this category six years ago, and yet I just got it forwarded to me again last week. Quick reminder, for those who missed it the first time: Microsoft is not giving away money, it wasn’t on Good Morning America, and there is no Tooth Fairy. Sorry to disappoint.
Worst New Business Jargon
2000: B2B
2001: Flesh out
2002: Visit
Have we stopped coming up with new business jargon? Or are people just too addicted to their Crackberries to notice?
Worst Technological Advancement
2000: Corporate Internet tracking
2002: Blackberry
2003: Camera Phones
2005: Bluetooth Earpieces
Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award
2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS
2004: Curlz MT
2005: Wingdings
New Category! Worst Blog
I didn’t know if this category belonged under news, sports, or entertainment, so I’m putting it here for the time being. Feel free to recommend a better placement if you like.
New Category! Worst Restaurant Trend
All class of restaurant is eligible here: fast-food, fine dining, diner, truck-stop . . .
Worst Fashion Trend
2000: Fat Men in Speedos
2001: Wearing snakes around necks
2002: Pointy-toed high heels
2003: Trucker Hats
2004: Ruffled miniskirts
2005: Popped Collars
Most disturbing thing about this category? If you told me you just saw a girl at the Starbucks wearing a ruffled miniskirt, a polo shirt with a popped collar, pointy-toed high heels and a trucker hat, I’d believe you. Less so if you told me she was also wearing a snake around her neck. Or was a fat guy in a Speedo.
Worst New Consumer Product
2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox
2005: Febreze Scentstories
Worst Holiday Tradition
2001: Salvation Army Bell Ringers
2004: Mistletoe
Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil’ Kim, Old Navy
2004: David Spade, Capital One
2005: Joan Cusack, U.S. Cellular
All right, friends -- there they are. Now it’s time for you to add your sarcasm to the stew: click here to submit your nominations, and stay tuned for January, when we’ll announce the “winners” of the 2006 WOTYs.
In the meantime, be safe out there, remember to tip your servers, and have a very happy new year.
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