That's So Random

If you’re ever in a debate about whether or not we live in surreal times, here’s a little something to support your argument that we do:  The Godfather of Heavy Metal is helping put an end to Colon Cancer.  Yes, friends, you can now buy an Ozzy Osbourne Signature Series tee from the Hard Rock Café that benefits the Sharon Osbourne Colon Cancer Program at Cedars-Sinai.  Now, I certainly don’t mean to mock Ozzy for this -- after all, his wife Sharon is battling colon cancer, and so he’s teamed up with the Hard Rock to do a little something to raise money and raise awareness.  That’s honorable.  But I think back to the stories I first heard about Ozzy back in the 80s -- biting heads off bats, throwing live puppies into the crowd, drinking a bucket filled with whatever the audience put into it -- and I find it sublimely bizarre that the guy now selling t-shirts through a corporation to raise money to fight colon cancer is the same guy who 20 years ago everybody thought was worshipping Satan . . .

Monday night, Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight gave sophomore forward Michael Prince a little chuck on the chin to get his attention during a time out, and predictably, the sports media went into spaz-out mode.  I’d had enough of the coverage after about five seconds -- in fact, had anybody on ESPN had the balls to say, “Last night, Bobby Knight hit a kid on the chin during a timeout, but you’ve heard it all before, so we’re going to spare you the histrionics and get back to bloviating about the BCS,” I would’ve jumped off my couch and subscribed to ESPN The Magazine immediately . . .

Even though the Democrats had the better day overall last Tuesday, it doesn’t mean this election was free of voting irregularities.  In Sarasota County, Florida (shocking), they’re arguing about a revote, because of issues with electronic voting machines that are responsible for “possibly causing more than 18,300 ballots to have blank votes, or undervotes, in the race” for Congress.  The other day, I asked my friend, a Sarasota County resident, why they didn’t, you know, test the machines on a significant scale before the live election.  Her first response was, “They are stupid.”  But she added, “Also, for it to be a real trial, they would have to get actual people to come out to vote and test it, which no one would bother to do on a large enough scale.”  I conceded that she had a point there -- it’s hard enough to get people out to vote when their votes actually count.  I wondered about paying people to fake vote, but thought that might be more expensive than it was worth -- although if you could get somebody like Subway on board as a sponsor, so that your fake voting receipt was also a coupon for a free six-inch sub at Subway, you’d have a win-win situation all around.  But then I had an even better bolt of inspiration about another win-win situation:  prisoners.  If you had prisoners do the fake voting, you wouldn’t have to worry about enticing people to get off their butts and aid the democratic process, and you’d give criminals the opportunity to feel like they’re voting -- and, of course, you’d have a live trial of your electronic voting system.  Everybody wins.  Plus, we’d finally know where the felon demographic stands on the issues . . .

I don’t know if this reflects how obsessed the NFL is with statistics or how obsessed the NFL is with fines, but they’re now giving statistics on fines.  On the NFL Network last Sunday, when the talking head reported that Derreck Robinson of the Chargers was fined $7,500 for a late hit on Browns quarterback Charlie Frye, she added, “It’s the first fine of his career” . . .

Speaking of the NFL, can we stop calling games “must win”?  Must win or what?  Someone gets fired?  Executed?  In previewing last week’s game between the 4-4 Bengals and the 6-2 Chargers, everybody agreed it was a “must-win” game for the Bengals, who promptly lost in a shootout, dropping their record to 4-5.  They didn’t win their must-win game.  So now what?  Well, a quick look at the standings shows that with seven games yet to play, they’re only one game out of a playoff spot.  Which means that this week’s game for the Bengals against the Saints must be a must-win game for them.  Which means that the answer to the question is this:  at this stage of the season, you must win, or else we’ll call your next game a must-win . . .

I wonder, when John Mellencamp signed on with Chevy to use “This is Our Country” as the theme song for their new truck, did they tell him that they were going to overplay his song and that commercial to the point that people would start resenting it?  Or is he sitting at home watching football on Sunday like the rest of us saying, “My god, enough already!”? . . .

Speaking of advertising, those people are just so creative.  A few weeks ago, I saw a commercial touting the “New Generation of Wrangler.”  The tagline?  “New fits.  New comfort.  New styles.”  Then, the other day, I saw a commercial inviting me to “Come see the new Lee” jeans.  Their tagline?  “New fits, new styles, new Lee.”  In other words, two-thirds of the “new” Lee’s new slogan is exactly the same as the “new generation” of Wrangler’s new slogan.  Brilliant!

Add this to the list of things I now know because I’m married:  Victoria’s Secret now sells a bra that is seam-free, label-free, and stitch-free.  The new Very Sexy Secret Embrace Push-Up Bra not only employs this “revolutionary one-piece technology,” it also features “provocative prints hidden inside the cup.”  Which means that on the inside of the bra, there’s a contrasting pattern from the outside of the bra, so you can wear a bra that is black on the outside with leopard print on the inside, or red on the outside with red flowers on a black background on the inside, or flaming magenta on the outside with zebra stripes on the inside.  And the reason you’d want a pattern on the inside of your bra that no one will ever see unless you’re not wearing it is . . . something I haven’t yet figured out . . .

But I have learned that standing just outside the changing area at Victoria’s Secret, with no woman visibly attached to you, taking notes in a little notebook . . . creeps some women out .

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