Stop! Random Time!

Suddenly I’m feeling randomly ... random ...

I’m not much of a blog reader, but a couple weeks ago I stumbled across MC Hammer’s Blog, aptly entitled “MC Hammer Blog.”  It’s pretty much just Hammer taking pictures from his Sidekick and posting them on the site, then signing off on them with the signature:

--Hammertime
From my sidekick

Sometimes he writes a few words, and sometimes he adds some audio.

For example, Hammer’s entry for Friday, March 17, is entitled “Wet Friday!” and consists of an audio post, and an out-of-focus picture of a wet garden bench.  In his audio post, Hammer intones, “Aw, yeah, Friday is finally here.  Glad the week is over with, uh, but it’s been a real good week.  Um, it’s rainin’ now, uh, at least it’s only drizzlin’, it was rainin’ a little harder earlier.  As you can see, I got my ‘Wet Friday!’ post up there.  I’m actually, uh, at, uh, Hummer of Pleasanton, havin’ them to, uh, fine-tune the ol’ Hamm-Humm.  Uh, the engine light came on, and I happened to be right here, and the guys always take good care of me, so we got the car all taken care of, and I’m gettin’ ready to go over the mountain, and, uh, go back home, and enjoy the weekend, maybe catch up on some of my reading.  Certainly catch up on some more bloggin’.  So, have a good weekend, take your time, and, uh, God bless.  Hammertime.”

I swear I’m not making any of that up.  He even signs off on his audio posts with “Hammertime.”

The rest of the blog is filled with more of the same.  Occasionally, he’ll muse on the clouds, or post pictures of an outing at the movies with his mom, or offer his opinion on the Yankees’ chances this year.  Ultimately, it’s like reading the online diary of a really, really boring friend who feels compelled to report, record and photograph every uninteresting thing that happens to him and every mundane thought that crosses his mind.  Except that it’s MC Hammer -- and that I’ve got it at the top of my bookmarks bar, and that I can’t stop reading it ...

You know what?  It’s still not the cola ...

For the record, black jeans do not qualify as business casual ...

I can think of no greater evidence of the subconscious than the fact that as soon as you unzip your pants, your need to pee increases exponentially ...

I feel confident that I am not the only person who has determined that there is a correct orientation for inserting fast-food napkins into the fast-food napkin dispenser that makes the napkins easy to pull out one at a time.  And yet, it seems that at every fast food place I go, the napkins are always inserted into the dispenser the wrong way -- backwards, upside down, backwards and upside down ... essentially any way that forces you to shove your hand into the dispenser to dig out a napkin (or six) and then drag another half-dozen out with you, which leaves you with either the conscientious option of trying to stuff the napkins back into the dispenser so it doesn’t look like you don’t know how to operate a napkin dispenser, or the lazy option of leaving the napkins flopped out everywhere looking like the passed-over sale rack at the Gap.  I used to think that fast-food employees who couldn’t figure out the intricacies of the napkin dispenser were just incredibly stupid -- after all, refilling the napkin dispenser is one of their regular duties, napkin-insertion instruction must then by definition be part of the new-employee training program, and most of all, they must have themselves eaten at fast-food restaurants and experienced the frustration of the situation first-hand.  Thus, if they can’t get it right, what other explanation could there be but a simple lack of intelligence?  And then, on a recent trip to Burger King, during which I once again had to wrestle with the napkin dispenser and curse the employee who misinserted the napkins, it dawned on me -- there’s no possible way that so many fast-food employees at so many fast-food restaurants could so consistently screw up such a simple task.  In other words, they hate us, and they’re doing it on purpose ...

So why would I care if Jimmy cracked corn?  I mean, who am I to tell the guy what to do with his life?

Rayovac sells a battery it calls “Maximum Plus.”  How is this even possible? ...

Here’s my million-dollar idea for the week:  Hot, a chain of coffee shops where the food is hot, the coffee’s always hot, and most importantly, the help is hot.  It’s like taking the concept behind Hooters and applying it to Starbucks, only the genius of it is, you’re objectifying men and women equally.  I’m telling you, you’d never in a million years get a soccer mom to go into a Hooters, but on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, after dropping the kids off at play group ...

I’ve been trying, but I can’t think of anything else you fear as a child and look forward to an adult besides getting spanked ...

Finally, the votes are in, and the debate is over: AC/DC’s  “For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)” is, simply put, the best song ever written about saluting people who are about to rock ...