A Real Balancing Act

Is any holiday on the calendar more gender-biased toward women than Valentine’s Day?

Okay, yes, Mother’s Day does also tend to favor women as well, but Mother’s Day is balanced out by Father’s Day, the yin to Mother’s Day’s yang.

Yet while Valentine’s Day proudly parades about in the garb of an equal-opportunity holiday, who gets all the goodies?  The ladies.

Go ahead, flip to any of the ESPNs right now, and I guarantee that within three commercial breaks you’ll see half a dozen ads encouraging men to buy Valentine’s gifts for their women:  Zales hawking Valentine’s Jewelry, Russell Stover shilling Valentine’s chocolates, and 1-800-FLOWERS plugging Valentine’s bouquets, just to name a few.

But click over to Oxygen, and what will you find?  Ads for SlimQuick, The Female Fat Burner; all Small & Mighty concentrated detergent; and Avon Anew Alternative age treatment.

In other words, with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, the pressure’s on the guys across the entire ESPN family of networks, but at Oxygen, it’s just another day of trying to make women feel insecure.  Simply put, it’s not equitable, and it’s not fair.  And I believe that you, as enlightened readers of The State of the Union, will agree with me when I say that if one holiday is unequal, none of us is free.

Thus, to bring things into balance, I have a few suggestions on how we can even out this whole Valentine’s Day deal.

First, though, we must examine the theory behind traditional Valentine’s Day gifts -- gifts for women, that is.

As underscored by the commercials now airing on ESPN, the Big Three of Valentine’s Day gifts for women are jewelry, chocolates, and flowers.

These three gift categories have a lot in common.  None of them is a gift anyone needs -- you might need a new sweater or a new cell phone, but nobody needs a dozen roses.  Thus, these gifts are luxuries, or treats; they’re nice to get, but you can survive just fine without them.

By definition, then, they’re gifts that you usually wouldn’t buy for yourself.  This, of course, makes them all the more enjoyable to get as gifts -- if you go out and buy the Russell Stover 2-pound Red Satin Heart box of chocolates for yourself, you’re pathetic, but if your snookums buys it for you for Valentine’s Day, well, then, it’s just a little indulgence.

In addition, these gifts hardly require any thought from guys at all -- jewelers, florists, and chocolatiers are practically spoon-feeding us these gift ideas -- which in theory makes them thoughtless gifts.  Yet ironically, any gift of flowers, chocolates or jewelry on Valentine’s Day is considered thoughtful.  Put another way, I can ignore every hint you’ve been dropping all year long about special gifts you’d like to get, but if I show up on V-Day with a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates, it doesn’t matter -- I’m romantic.  If I have a diamond bracelet to go with them, you’ll tell your friends how romantic I am.

Thankfully, I have identified a male equivalent to the female Valentine’s Day gift trifecta of flowers, chocolate and jewelry:

Sports, meat and lingerie.

When I say sports here, I’m not suggesting you give your man a free pass to drool on the couch watching sports all evening -- he’s going to do that anyway.  Rather, let’s revisit our analysis of the female gifts -- they were all small luxuries that women really appreciate, but would never buy for themselves.  And yet despite meeting those qualifications, they’re incredibly easy to shop for.

Thus, the sports equivalent must fit these same criteria:  identify a small luxury that a man would really appreciate, but may not buy for himself.  Still stuck for ideas?  Think about tickets to a game (you can call it a “date,” or payback for any chick flicks you may have taken him to in the last year, whichever you prefer), or maybe a replica jersey from his favorite team.  (If you don’t know his favorite team, you need more relationship advice than I can offer you here.) As a rule, he is not interested in figure skating.

Meat, like chocolate, comes in many delicious forms -- though chicken is rarely considered much of a gift.  Despite our carnivorous inclinations, many men will often deny themselves certain meaty pleasures because they conflict with their lady friend’s restaurant choices or dietary preferences.  For example, I am in love with a fishaterian (veggies and fish are okay, but no cow, pig or chicken), and so I eat a lot healthier than I used to, and I’ve even come to appreciate Boca Burgers.  But does that mean I don’t salivate at the thought of a thick, juicy bratwurst?  Of course not.  If brats aren’t your man’s thing, there are plenty of other options -- steaks, barbecue, pork chops, meat on a spit, meat on a stick . . . the choices almost endless, and almost all of them are sure to please.

(And if you’re on a budget, or really like onions, may I suggest dinner at White Castle?  They’re running a special “Make your Valentine’s Day STEAMY!” promotion -- “Take your Valentine to White Castle on Tuesday, February 14 between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. and enjoy hostess seating, candlelit dining and your own server. Reservations are required.”  Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.)

Finally, lingerie has been portrayed through the years as a gift for ladies.  Yet no matter what your guy says, buying it for you makes us nervous.  There are just so many ways we can mess up a lingerie purchase -- we can buy the wrong size, buy something too suggestive (or not suggestive enough), thereby sending the wrong message, buy something uncomfortable or impractical, or we can buy something you’ll wear once just to humor us, then bury in your closet, never to be worn again.

But if you buy the lingerie, ladies, you know it’ll fit, you can buy something you’ll actually want to wear, and best of all, you can give it to us as a Valentine’s gift.  Really, it’s a great deal for everybody:  you get what you want -- lingerie you love -- and we get what we want -- you in lingerie you love.  Besides getting men to spend money, I’m not sure why anyone ever thought it was a good idea for men to buy lingerie for women -- when women look at the Victoria’s Secret catalog, they’re looking at the lingerie, but when men look at the Victoria’s Secret catalog, they’re looking at the women.

So there you have it:  the formula for Valentine’s Day equality.  Ladies, if you surprise your man with any of those three gifts, you will make him very, very happy.  Trust me on this.

Of course, if you want him to tell all his friends how romantic you were, take him to a ballgame, grill him bratwurst in the parking lot beforehand, and then, just before the game starts, tell him you’re not wearing any lingerie.