The Way We Were Again

Some years, you’re very busy -- so busy, in fact, that you don’t have time to look up and notice a fashion trend that, for many, defined the year. Or, you are lucky enough to live in a place that fashion trend hasn’t made it to yet. Either way, some of you wondered what, exactly a "popped collar" was. Just so you know, there’s one pictured at right.

That said, let’s look back on the rest of the worst of 2005...

Worst Political Trend

2004: 527 Committees / “I’m George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message.”

2005 Nominees: Cronyism; “Liberal” being used as a pejorative; Politics; Blaming the Federal Government for hurricanes; Lying; Continued support of the war in Iraq; the White House admitting to violating people’s privacy and nobody caring; Religious wackos attempting to merge church and state; Trying to impeach the President because he’s not part of your political party; Bono having influence in Washington.

I’ll tell you what -- I look at that list of nominees right there, and I think: “Oy, vey.” Of all the depressing lists of nominees in this year’s WOTYs (and I don’t know about you, but that list of Worst Name for a College Bowl Game nominees last week had me reaching for the St. John’s Wort), this to me is the most depressing. In fact, it makes me yearn for the days of, “I’m George Bush and I approved this message.” Those were simpler times, weren’t they?

But enough about the distant past -- we’ve got to deal with the relatively-recent past. And troubling as many of those trends are, I think the worst of the bunch is the first: cronyism. Now, if Bono had any real influence in Washington, and he was picking his cronies and putting them in positions of political power, that might be fun. Just think of the possibilities: Brad Pitt as Director of FEMA, Jamie Foxx nominated for the Supreme Court, Cameron Diaz named as the head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, maybe even the Edge as Secretary of Defense. And you can bet U2 wouldn’t have to bid on government entertainment contracts!

Sadly, I’m not sure that crew would be much less qualified than some of the Bush cronies that have received political appointments in this administration: FEMA Director (and heckuva guy) Mike Brown, Arabian Horse Association commissioner (and loyal Bush supporter); Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, Bush’s former personal lawyer and staff secretary; head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement Julie Myers, niece of Air Force Gen. Richard B. Myers, the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; and Assistant Secretary of State on Population, Refugees, and Migration Ellen Sauerbrey, whom the New York Times suggests “has zero experience in emergency management and refugee resettlement.” The cronyism might not be so bad if we were picking people, say, to offer their commentary on an episode of I Love the 90s. But when these people have real responsibilities in real government agencies, that kind of puts us all in real trouble.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Cronyism

Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase

2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays
2004: The Cream and The Clear

2005 Nominees: "Look at this guy here"; Sports Hernia; “A football move”; NBA Dress Code; "Pick Six" (for an interception returned for a touchdown).

If you’re searching for evidence that sports medicine is not an exact science, look no further than the sudden omnipresence of the sports hernia. As one nominator wrote, “How is there a new injury, and everyone has it? What did they used to call this?” The sports hernia was 2005’s version of the Lisfranc sprain -- for 200 years, nobody got one except Napoleon, and then suddenly guys everywhere were going on the injured reserve with Lisfranc sprains. Or maybe it just seemed like it was guys everywhere because they were all Eagles.

But while the injury de l’année is indeed a weird trend, I wouldn’t call it the worst. That honor we reserve for the inclusion of “a football move” into the vernacular. This moronic phrase began its creep into the official announcer patois last year to explain an even more moronic (more-onic?) NFL rule, that for a player to be considered to have possession of a ball, he must not only secure the ball somewhere on his person, but he must also perform “an act common to the game of football,” which, according to this ESPN story, “is defined as controlling the ball long enough to hand it, pitch it or pass it.” Since announcers are unable to construct sentences with that degree of complexity, “an act common to the game of football” becomes “a football move.”

My question is, if you’re playing football, which move is not a football move? Isn’t any move performed by a football player on a football field during a football game by definition a “football move”? Okay, yes, Chad Johnson’s end-zone Irish jig is not, technically, a football move. Neither is the Ickey Shuffle. But those are not up for debate, and they certainly don’t enter into the argument about whether or not Troy Polamalu’s interception in the game against the Colts two weeks ago was, in fact, an interception. (It was.)

I can’t explain why, exactly, but this whole business of “football moves” makes me feel the way Bobby Knight did when they asked him about “game faces.”

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: “A football move”

Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly

2002: Najeh Davenport’s Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy’s Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)
2004: Ron Artest’s Record Promotion (Indiana Pacers/Truwarier)

2005 Nominees: Minnesota Vikings Love Boat Trip; Terrell Owens Being A Terrific Teammate; Onterrio Smith’s Whizzinator Bust; Rafael Palmeiro’s Congressional Testimony.

In any other year, any of these four nominees would be a winner. Yes, Ron Artest’s record promotion was lame, particularly in light of his on-court shenanigans, but it hardly holds a candle to getting busted at the airport with a bottle of dried urine and a fake plastic penis, as Onterrio Smith did when he was apprehended with The Whizzinator in his bag. (Before you click on that link, be warned: the site features numerous photos of phony phalluses, in a variety of skin tones.)

Sure, in 2003, Larry Eustachy got drunk and partied with a bunch of undergrads, but in 2005, the Minnesota Vikings got drunk and floated a sex boat across Lake Minnetonka. Yeah, Najeh Davenport pooped in a closet, but Rafael Palmeiro testified before Congress -- under oath, with emphatic finger pointing -- and said, “Let me start by telling you this: I have never used steroids. Period. I do not know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never.” Then six weeks later, he tested positive for steroids. He claims it was vitamin B-12. Seriously.

In other words, it was a bad year. But only one nominee extended the pain he inflicted on us all year long, and that, of course, would be Terrell Owens. Again, I admit there may be some sort of bias here, as my football allegiances do fall with the Philadelphia Eagles.

But let me start by telling you this: Though Philly fans may deserve all the criticism we get, including our reputation as boorish, fickle, obnoxious and rude, Eagles fans welcomed T.O. with open arms when he arrived from the San Francisco 49ers. Remember, this was a man widely considered across the league as a whiner, an egomaniac, and a locker-room cancer -- all before he even showed up in Philly. But in Philly in 2004, he shut up, he smiled, he played hard, and despite a brief sideline spat, he won the fans over. In just four months, he became a Philly folk hero -- and this was before he came back from a broken leg in record time to play in the Super Bowl. He had the city wrapped around his finger.

And in 2005? He came back to play in the Super Bowl, had a fantastic game in a losing effort, and then began one of the most incredible campaigns of self-destruction we will ever see from a professional athlete. He ripped his quarterback, Donovan McNabb, for his Super Bowl performance, then began ripping everyone else in the organization, all while trying to renegotiate a contract he had been thrilled to sign only a year earlier. He got kicked out of training camp, did crunches in his driveway before a media circus, came back to the team, ripped his quarterback some more, got into a fight in his own locker room, then finally got kicked off the team for good, having successfully maligned the entire organization, divided the Eagles’ locker room and destroyed their team chemistry in the process, all while cementing his reputation as a selfish jerk, and costing himself millions in contract and endorsement dollars, not to mention obliterating the insane amount of goodwill he had engendered from Philadelphia fans, who, as we have previously mentioned, are something of a tough crowd. That’s quite a year.

Of course, T.O. deserves an assist from his idiot agent, Drew Rosenhaus. At the press conference on November 8, after Owens was suspended indefinitely from the team, one Philadelphia reporter asked Rosenhaus, “What have you done for T.O., besides get him kicked off the Eagles?” Rosenhaus’ answer: “Next question.” The real answer: Nothing.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Terrell Owens’ Self-Destruction

The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award

2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2004: Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)

2005 Nominees: Miami Heat 1972 Miami Floridians Throwbacks; Virginia Tech Orange Sleeve Alternate Jerseys; Oregon Ducks Road Tread Alternate Pants; Nashville Predators Mustard Alternate Jerseys.

Much as I like writing words, I once heard that a picture is worth a thousand of them, and I have since found that to be true. Thus, for this category, I will share with you not only my witticisms, but some photos as well -- plus, that way you’ll know what the hell I’m talking about, and avoid any “popped collar” confusion.

That said, let’s attack these in order. Several readers questioned the wisdom of Shaq in pink, which he donned, along with black and orange, when the Miami Heat wore their 1972 throwback unis, a nod to the old ABA Miami Floridians. However, I must disagree: I think the big fella looks good in pink. It accentuates his cheekbones.

Speaking of orange, the Virginia Tech Hokies have made the odd color combination of orange and maroon their off-beat trademark. The one-orange-sleeve jerseys they sported this year, however, made the orange more than just an accent color -- they made it look like there had been an accident at the clothing factory. However, we’re going for worst overall uniform here, not just worst sleeve, so the Hokies are spared the WOTY. (That rhymed, by the way, if you didn’t catch it.)

If this were the worst pants award, the Oregon Ducks would definitely take home the prize. In the 2005 Holiday Bowl, they wore black pants that were too short, so they looked like knickers, they had “OREGON” in bright yellow letters running vertically up the thigh, and worst of all, they had some sort of gray knee-pad type things at the bottom of the knickers that, had the pants actually covered the knees, might have functioned as knee pads, but instead, made the pants look like they had been run over by a pickup truck that had just driven through a puddle of gray paint. (This is one of those situations where it really helps to have a visual, so I hope by now you’ve checked out the picture on the right.) But, again, this is not the worst pants award, and since their jerseys and helmets look pretty cool, we’ll let them off the hook.

Not so the Nashville Predators. Never mind that professional ice hockey in Tennessee is akin to professional beach volleyball in Canada; what’s at issue here is their “alternate” third jerseys. The Predators’ website explains, “The jersey features an ‘animated’ saber-tooth tiger logo on the crest of the gold jersey and a pair of tiger skulls on the shoulders.” However, looking at the photo on the right, you can see that basically they put a cartoon cat with an overbite on jerseys the color of kitty spit-up. That ain’t gold, fellas, that’s deli-style mustard, and between the jersey and the socks, that’s awful.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Nashville Predators (Mustard Alternate Jerseys)

Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway

2000: “Higher/With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
2001: “I’m A Slave 4 U,” Britney Spears
2002: “Like I Love You,” Justin Timberlake
2003: “Milkshake,” Kelis

2005 Nominees: “Hollaback Girl,” Gwen Stefani; “Laffy Taffy,” D4L; “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas; “Gold Digger,” Kanye West; “We Belong Together,” Mariah Carey; “Back Then,” Mike Jones; “Don’t Cha,” The Pussycat Dolls.

I have 24 words for you:

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas

Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song

2000: “Take A Picture,” Filter
2001: “Lady Marmalade,” Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: “Dilemma,” Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: “Baby Boy,” Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004: “The Reason,” Hoobastank

2005 Nominees: “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas; “Gold Digger,” Kanye West; “Behind These Hazel Eyes,” Kelly Clarkson; “Because of You,” Kelly Clarkson; “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg; “Best of You,” Foo Fighters; “Hollaback Girl,” Gwen Stefani; “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down,” Fall Out Boy; “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” Green Day.

It’s interesting to me that three songs were nominated in this category as well as the previous one: “My Humps,” “Gold Digger,” and “Hollaback Girl.” This means that some of our nominators thought all three songs were decent, but overplayed, while others thought they were awful to begin with, and still overplayed. At this point, you already know how I feel about “My Humps.”

But I was in a club Saturday night (yes, sometimes, you can find me in the club), and “Gold Digger” came on, and there was no eye rolling or audible groaning -- everybody was excited. So that knocks that one off the list. “Hollaback Girl,” (or as one nominator called it, “Bananas”) also got heavy, heavy rotation in 2005, but when it comes on the radio, I won’t change the station. Now, I can’t say that I have any real clue what Gwen is talking about, but she definitely takes that shit seriously, and I respect that.

Sadly, the real indicator for me in this category this year is me. I got a new cell phone from Sprint in May, and in order to get my rebate for it, I had to sign up for two free months of Sprint PCS Vision. (Naturally, I forgot to cancel in time, and ended up paying for a month of a service I never used, but that’s a story for another day.) With Sprint PCS Vision, I was told, I could download all sorts of fun things, like games and ringtones. In those two months, I downloaded a total of two ring tones, which are still the only non-factory-installed ringtones on my phone: Johnny Cash’s “I Walk The Line,” and Snoop Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot.” So maybe I’m picking “Drop It Like It’s Hot” in this category because for a month and a half, I heard it every time my phone rang. Or maybe it’s because if it got downloaded onto my phone, it must be overplayed.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg

Worst Email Spam

2000: The Microsoft “email tracker”
2001: “Increase your ejaculation by 583%!”
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance
2004: Important Online Banking Alert

2005 Nominees: Ennlarj yoor Peeni5 bye 58 p3rs3nt%!!!; Hot Penny Stox; The Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical; You want cheap / I A G R @ ???; Impress Her With A Rolex!; Update Paypal Information.

In many ways, 2005 was the year of the Rolex, at least spam-wise. And at least in my inbox. Why Rolexes? Why 2005? I really have no idea, but I do know this: when I am finally ready to shell out the big bucks on a Rolex, I will definitely buy it from someone who sent me spam -- the more the better.

Spammers also gave their thesauruses (thesauri?) a workout in 2005, as I was encouraged to “Become the man that women desire,” enhance my “anatomy,” “enlarge girth and length,” address “the size of my manhood,” take a pill to give myself “the big unit,” and experience “natural enlargement,” among other things.

But more than anything, in 2005, I learned new ways to spell Viagra (and hopefully, the presence of that word before this parenthetical thought didn’t get this email stuck in your spam filter). In particular, a spammer friend of mine who goes by “Doctor” -- but mails from any number of email addresses -- encouraged me, at least once a week it seemed, to buy something from his Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical. And each week, “Doctor” spelled Viagra differently -- Vlagqra, Vlyagra, Vlagkra, Vlagera, Vltagra, Vliagra, Vlwagra, Vlzagra, Vltagra, Vlsagra, Vljagra, Vllagra, Vluagra, Vlibagra, Vlisagra, Vlikagra, Vlixagra . . . the possibilities seemed endless. Don’t even get me started on his spellings of Levitra.

Here’s my question, though, for “Doctor” and every other morongo who asks me if I “want cheap / I A G R @ ???” -- do you really think that, because I’ve been bombarded with your emails, that I will finally break down and say, “Yes! Yes! For the love of God, I do want cheap / I A G R @!!!” I’ve got to tell you guys, if that day ever comes, just to spite you, I will ignore your emails entirely, and simply Google “cheap viagra.” Somehow, I think I might be able to find some among the 3.8 million search results.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: The Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical

Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award

2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS
2004: Curlz MT

2005 Nominees: Jokerman; Wingdings; Arial; Comic Sans MS; Crackwhore.

Before we get into any discussion of fonts, I need to share the sentiment of one of my most loyalest of readers, who wrote of this award, “Rat, it seems like you’re really into this category, but I have to be honest with you. As you know, I’m a fan of your column, but this category bugs the *!it out of me. Maybe I’m just out of touch, but are people really that interested in fonts? I’m proposing a new WOTY category: Worst WOTY Award That Just Won't Go Away -- Nomination: Worst Font Award.”

That comment, as you might imagine, gave me pause. Certainly, I do not want to bug the *!it out of anybody, let alone a friend and loyal reader. But the reality is that people still use Comic Sans MS, and that bugs the *!it out of me. Really, do they not see the harm it does to their credibility as users of word-processing programs -- nay, as human beings? Do people who use Curlz MT actually think they might be taken seriously?

But to answer the question, “are people really that interested in fonts?”, I again refer to my friend Google. Google “font,” and you will get about 158 million results. It does seem that people are that interested.

Which brings me to Wingdings. How is this even a font? It’s clip art! And worse yet, it’s inspired numerous conspiracy theories about the pictures you get when you convert certain words from plain text to Wingdings.

Crackwhore may the worst name for a font (although some days, I think it’s pure genius -- I mean, would you ever know about the font if it wasn’t named Crackwhore?), but this year, the worst font goes to the assemblage of clip art that calls itself a font. Let the arguments begin.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Wingdings

Worst New Consumer Product

2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox

2005 Nominees: Febreze Scentstories; Ribbon Car Magnets; Bluetooth Earpieces; Men’s Body Spray; Rejoice Confetti.

The ubiquitous ribbon car magnets are hardly new to 2005, but as you can see above, it’s been awhile since we picked a winner in this category. And while their use (or abuse) seems to grow unabated -- I now regularly see vehicles with five and six ribbon magnets affixed to the back, and am beginning to suspect that some people are buying SUVs just so they have more room for magnets -- they’re now such a part of the landscape that I’m going to have to remove them from consideration, though I do appreciate the nomination.

And, since the Bluetooth earpiece already won for Worst Technological Advancement, I’m going to leave it off the dais as well.

Fortunately, not all contenders can be eliminated. The Febreze Scentstories machine is the sort of product that sounds like a joke the first time someone tells you about it: Scentstories is a machine that “plays” discs, which release different smells into the air. Each of the six Scentstories discs -- exploring a mountain trail™, wandering barefoot on the shore™, strolling through the garden™, relaxing in the hammock™, shades of vanilla™, and on a tropical island™ -- has “a 50 hour collection of candle-like scents.” Each disc “plays” for 2 1/2 hours, changing scents every 30 minutes and “entertaining every nose in a room . . . with just the press of a button -- more convenient than candles!”

What’s so awful about this product? It’s yet another product that encourages people to live a faux life. Perhaps using this product will inspire you to chirp just like this testimonial on the Scentstories website: “It smelled EXACTLY like I was there . . . It was amazing.” But buddy, you’re not there -- you’re inhaling the bouquet of warmed plastic. If you really, truly love that smell, maybe you should consider, oh, I don’t know . . . exploring a mountain trail, wandering barefoot on the shore, strolling through the garden, relaxing in a hammock, or visiting a tropical island. That, or you could burn a scented candle.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Febreze Scentstories

Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial

2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil’ Kim, Old Navy
2004: David Spade, Capital One

2005 Nominees: Black Eyed Peas, Best Buy; Joe Montana, FedEx; Dan Marino, Samsung; U2, iPod; Tom Brady/New England Patriots Offensive Line, Visa’s Five Layers of Protection; Shaquille O’Neal, Icy Hot Patch; Catherine Zeta-Jones, T-Mobile; David Spade, Capital One; Joan Cusack, U.S. Cellular.

Every year, the list gets longer, as selling your soul for a few bucks in a TV commercial becomes more and more commonplace -- and palatable. At this point then, we must ask ourselves, do we choose a “winner” in this category based on how painful it is to see the celebrity in the commercial, or how painful the commercial with the celebrity is? If it is the latter, David Spade and his Capital One commercials from hell win hands down. If my existence has a bane, they are it. If it is the former, I would strongly consider Dan Marino shilling Samsung TVs -- and then, of course, I would remind myself that back in the day, he tried to sell me Isotoner gloves. Clearly, there wasn’t that much of a soul left to sell.

But if we’re looking for the most balanced blend of these two considerations, we must award the prize to Joan Cusack and her spots for U.S. Cellular. Not only are the commercials annoying -- all of them -- but every time I see one, I feel a little bit sad for Joan. Her enthusiasm seems so stiff, so fake, that I know that she is losing a little bit of her soul with every sentence. And then I wonder -- does she have a drug habit she needs to support? Can her brother John not throw her a couple of bucks every now and again to save her from the indignity of these commercials? I swear to you that I am not in any way attracted to Joan Cusack, but when I see her on TV now, pitching U.S. Cellular, I want to give her a hug. Maybe, I think, that will keep her soul from escaping.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Joan Cusack, U.S. Cellular

Worst Office Trend

2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay
2004: Work

2005 Nominees: Work; Relocation to Bangalore; Non-Alcoholic Office Holiday Parties; Blocking Fantasy Sports Sites; IMing With People One Cubicle Over.

Ah, the office. If it wasn’t so incredibly awful in so many innovative ways, we wouldn’t have The Office, or for that matter, The Office. But it is, and as such, we’ve once again got a plethora a painful trends to choose from for this year’s WOTY. Each represents some attempt to squelch, stifle, or otherwise trample what’s left of our humanity, but in my opinion, none is so disrespectful to our essential freedom as the blocking of fantasy sports sites. Oh, sure, Mr. Bossy Boss, you may think you’re increasing productivity because your lackeys can no longer spend valuable time on the clock managing their 14 fantasy teams. But in denying them this essential right -- a right so sacred it would definitely make the list if Congress ever came out with a Cubicle Dweller’s Bill of Rights -- you are not gaining productivity. No, sir. You are merely inciting disgruntlement, and thereby plotting your own demise. I encourage you to reconsider.

And while you’re thinking about letting people manage their fantasy teams at work, you really ought to consider letting people get drunk at the office holiday parties, too. It’s good for morale.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Blocking Fantasy Sports Sites

Worst New Reality Show

2003: The Simple Life
2004: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap (Tie)

2005 Nominees: The Apprentice: Martha Stewart; Breaking Bonaduce; Dancing With The Stars; Skating With Celebrities; The Biggest Loser.

Quick question: Why do I want to watch celebrities dancing again? At least if I watch them trying to skate, there’s a chance one of them could wipe out on the ice.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Dancing With The Stars

Worst Television Commercial

2002: Capital One (Entire “What’s In Your Wallet?” Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub (“Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”)
2004: Levitra (“My Man.”)

2005 Nominees: Snickers, “It’s Only Satisfying If You Eat It,” series; Miller Lite, “Taste Trial,” series; Diet Pepsi, “NFL Draft - Diet Pepsi Machine;” ; Geico, The Cavemen; Capital One, “Voodoo,” part of the “No” series; Vonage, “People do stupid things,” series.

Regular readers of this column know that I hate Capital One. I hate their commercials, I hate the ridiculous amount of junk mail they send me, I hate their commercials, and I hate that they have stolen David Spade’s soul. He was very, very funny in Tommy Boy.

Knowing this, you might think that the Capital One commercial is a shoo-in winner here. But Capital One commercials, with their awful “What’s in your wallet?” shtick, have been asinine since the first year this category existed. Do I think the current entry in the competition, “Voodoo,” is moronic? Of course I do. But I’ve been so beaten down by the constant barrage of Capital One commercials that when I see this spot, all I can do is shrug. Like death and taxes, new, annoying Capital One commercials seem inevitable.

The other entries in the category have their merits. The Snickers commercials freak me out, but at least they’re trying. What they’re trying for I can’t say, but then again, I’m not looking to Snickers as a meal replacement bar, so maybe there’s something there I just don’t get. Many people find the song in the Vonage commercials (click on the link above and you’ll know the song I mean, if you don’t already) annoying, but I find it so obscenely catchy and goofy that I sometimes don’t mind getting it stuck in my head. The Miller Lite “Taste Trial” is dumb, but if you can get Flavor Flav into a commercial, on the witness stand and in cornrows, and make a bad pun about him being a taste expert, you get points with me.

But the “Diet Pepsi Machine”? Had this commercial simply been about the New England Patriots drafting a vending machine, and making bad jokes about the machine having good hands, well . . . at least Rodney Harrison, Willie McGinest and Deion Branch would’ve gotten some national endorsement dollars. But if you listen at the end, you hear one of the most insipid tag lines since, well, Pepsi’s “It’s the cola” line from a few years back: “Live football. Drink Diet Pepsi.”

There are two possibilities here: either I’m missing some obvious connection between football and Diet Pepsi, or there is no connection, and this is the most insulting, pathetic tag line ever.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Diet Pepsi, NFL Draft - Diet Pepsi Machine

And lastly, a few odds and ends:

Worst New Business Jargon

2000: B2B
2001: Flesh out
2002: Visit

No winner this year, but if you have never seen The Adventures of Action Item . . . Professional Superhero, you need to click here now. As the reader who submitted the link said, Action Item “pretty much uses them all in one comic strip.”

Suggested Categories for 2006

Worst faux pas; Worst use of rhetoric; Worst trend in fast food/restaurants; Worst blog; Worst WOTY category (The winner gets dropped in subsequent years); Worst performance of stated job by a politician or government official; Worst (Best?) example of a movie using special effects and hype to compensate for lack of plot and acting.

A few other suggestions, as submitted:

Worst Quote of the Year: “For some special people out there we got some bazookas,” Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

You should do a “best of” too.

There should be a category for TV shows that used to be really really good, and then got new directors or new actors and turned terrible. My first nominations would be ER, Real World: Austin, Alias, and (though it pains me to say it) The West Wing. It’s not completely there yet, but I think it’s just a lot worse than it used to be. Especially now that Leo’s gone, I am very concerned for the fate of one of my all-time favorite tv shows.

And finally...

I nominate the following quote for one of your WOTY awards. (I have no idea what category this would fall under, but I just love some good bathroom humor.) In case you missed the question, here it is:

After Nebraska’s upset of Colorado, ABC sideline reporter Suzy Shuster watched Nebraska coach Bill Callahan have a Gatorade bucket dumped on his head, then asked him, “Was that one of the more gratifying dumps you’ve had?”

I’m still chuckling over that one...