The Way We Were

Remember 2005?  What a year!  Already, it feels like months ago -- and yet less than two weeks ago, we were still luxuriating in its warm bath.  To help you remember all that we’re finally getting away from, let’s take a look back at some of the worst of the year gone by, as we award the 2005 State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards ...

  Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away

2000:  Elian Gonzalez
2001:  Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002:  Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003:  Michael Jackson
2004:  Scott Peterson Trial

2005 Nominees: Terrell Owens; Jennifer Wilbanks (Georgia’s runaway bride); Natalee Holloway (Aruba disappearance); Hurricane Katrina; Michael Jackson Trial; Terri Schiavo; Gas prices; Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (aka TomKat).

This category is always interesting to me for two reasons:  one, it reminds me how painful watching the news was in the last year, and two, it’s broadly interpreted.  For example, Hurricane Katrina was obviously a terrible story, but it was also one of the greatest natural disasters ever to hit this country.  Thus, while the response to the hurricane could’ve been better, and the aftermath did inspire what was arguably the quote of the year, Kanye West’s infamous, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” I understand why the story didn’t go away.  It was a real story.

The Terrell Owens story was sort of a real story, and as an ardent fan of the Philadelphia Eagles who honestly believed the Eagles could win the Super Bowl (and since we’re being honest here, as someone who watches a hell of a lot more ESPN than CNN), I confess I paid close attention to the proceedings.  While I would never begrudge a man his money, I can’t say I ever thought T.O. acted with a shred of rationally; however, irrational behavior from a major celebrity makes for great television.  In fact, sometimes when I’m watching Pardon the Interruption, I find myself longing for the days when the first three segments of the show were dedicated to T.O.  But maybe that’s just me. Sometimes I’m a masochist like that.

Ultimately, this category is as much a reflection of what happened in the previous year as how the media covered it. Say what you will about the obscene amount of coverage awarded to Katrina or T.O., but even without that coverage, those stories would’ve still affected millions of people (and lest you think I overestimate the number of Eagles fans, consider all the Fantasy Football players whose seasons were ultimately impacted -- nay, ruined -- by Drew Rosenhaus).

Not so Jennifer Wilbanks.  Had the story of the googley-eyed runaway bride never hit the media outlets, a few hundred wedding invitees would’ve been disappointed (the cake was supposed to be fantastic), and the police likely would’ve saved upwards of $40,000 on their ‘manhunt,’ but the rest of the nation would’ve gotten along just fine.  Instead, we were subjected to days of hourly updates -- not to mention repeated viewings of a photograph that still sometimes startles me in the night -- of a woman who ultimately said of her actions in a prepared statement, “I cannot fully explain what happened to me last week. I was simply running away from myself.” Oh, Jennifer.  You can’t run away from yourself; as you probably now realize, wherever you go, there you are.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Jennifer Wilbanks, Runaway Bride

  Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo

2002:  Bipartisan Politics
2003:  Weapons of Mass Destruction

2005 Nominees: Social Security Reform; NASCAR Dads; Compassionate Conservatives; Progressive (instead of Liberal); Gravitas; Spreading Democracy; Heckuva job.

It’s a widely-known fact in Washington that “mumbo jumbo” is code for “bullshit.”  And in a year in which plenty of words were spent saying one thing and meaning another, perhaps the best of the b.s. came from our President: “Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job.”  President Bush uttered these words in support of Michael Brown, then head of FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, on his first visit to the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina.  He was not exactly doing a heckuva job.  Or, as the Washington Post’s Mark Leibovich so eloquently put it, “Within days, Brownie was no longer doing any job, never mind a heckuva one.”  As a bonus, Leibovich adds, “Brownie’s last job -- you couldn’t invent a better one -- was commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association.”  No disrespect to the current commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association intended, of course.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Heckuva job

  Worst Name for a College Bowl Game

2001:  Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002:  Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003:  Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone
2004:  Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl

2005 Nominees: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl; EV1.net Houston Bowl; Meineke Car Care Bowl; The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi; GMAC Bowl; Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl; Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone.

I’ve learned not to look too hard for meaning in the world, but it is nevertheless my sincerest hope that the state of naming college bowl games is not reflective of the state of our union, for if it is, we are a union in serious decline.  Each year, I think the names of these games cannot get more ridiculous, and each year, I am proven wrong.  Had you told me a year ago that in 2005 we would see the advent of the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, I would have thought you a clever jokester, mocking the very institution of corporate-named bowl games.  And yet, here we are, face to face with the reality: the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl is no joke.  It is, however, the winner of a WOTY.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

  Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly

2000:  The Bob ‘N’ Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001:  Bill Gramatica’s Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002:  Rick Fox’s Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003:  Joe Horn’s Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)
2004:  Ron Artest and the Malice at the Palace (Indianapolis Pacers/Detroit Pistons)

2005 Nominees:  Steve Smith’s Baby Wipes Touchdown Celebration (Carolina Panthers); Kenny Rogers’ Cameraman Violence; Jeremiah Trotter (Philadelphia Eagles) and Kevin Mathis (Atlanta Falcons) Pre-Game Monday Night Football Brawl; Adrian Peterson’s Overzealous Sideline Celebration (Oklahoma Sooners); Chad Johnson’s Lord of the Dance Touchdown Celebration (Cincinnati Bengals).

This category was originally intended to mock touchdown celebrations -- really, beyond dumb celebrations, what genuinely bad behavior could possibly happen on the field?  Of course, 2004 WOTY poster child Ron Artest effectively proved the shortsightedness of that thinking, which makes it such a pleasure to return this category to its halcyon roots, and mock touchdown celebrations once again.  In a year in which Terrell Owens and Joe Horn were largely kept out of the end zone, Chad Johnson and Steve Smith stepped in and picked up the slack.  Many people found Johnson’s dances irritating, but I appreciate his creativity -- not to mention the sheer skill some of his dances involved.  I mean, have you ever tried those Riverdance moves?  Not easy.  But while many people loved the creativity demonstrated by Steve Smith when, after scoring against the Atlanta Falcons, he took the towel from his belt and, with ball as stand-in for baby, pretended to change the baby’s diaper, I’m giving him this year’s WOTY. Why?  Perhaps I’m just being scatophobic, but I’d much rather my end-zone celebrations conjure images of Irish jigs than baby poop.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Steve Smith’s Baby Wipes Touchdown Celebration

  Worst New Entertainment Trend

2000:  Reality TV

2005 Nominees:  Celebrity-Couple Mononyms (Brangelina, Bennifer, TomKat); iPod porn; Goofy Celebrity Child Naming (Coco, Apple); Having/Adopting Babies or Getting Married/Divorced for Self-Promotion; Explosion of VH1-Style Talking Head Shows Beyond VH1.

Clearly, it’s been years since we, as a collective State of the Union body, have been even able to identify entertainment trends, let alone one worthy of a WOTY.  And while I can’t say whether the wealth of nominees this year is due to more entertainment trends, increased awareness of said trends, or the fact that I bullied readers into submitting decent nominees for this category, the fact remains that we’ve got a pretty depressing list of entertainment trends from which to pick.  Certainly, iPod porn is a troubling trend; technologically, of course, it was just a matter of time, but just imagine getting stuck on an airplane next to a guy (and let’s be honest, it’s always a guy) watching porn on his little iPod screen.  I mean, really, there’s only so much cooling off those little overhead fans can provide.

But I’m more troubled by the celebrity-related trends, and what they say about us, and what they say about the media.  Are we, the people, truly thirsting for this celebrity pap, or do we merely slurp it up because we are served no other drink?  Clearly, a desperation reigns throughout Hollywood, both to stay in the spotlight, and to exploit those in it.  But while getting married, adopting babies, giving those babies ridiculous names, or falling in love and jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch affects the souls of those directly involved, the emergence of these celebrity-couple mononyms affects the rest of us -- it makes us dumber.  Are we really so lazy and pathetic that we need a shorthand for Brad and Angelina?  God, I hope not.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Celebrity-Couple Mononyms

  Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away

2000:  The Cast of “Survivor”
2001:  Carrot Top
2002:  Jennifer Lopez
2003:  Paris Hilton
2004:  Ashlee Simpson

2005 Nominees:  Bill O’Reilly; Terrell Owens; Paris Hilton; Tom Cruise; Kathy Griffin; Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson; Ashlee Simpson; Bono; David Spade; Flavor Flav; Lindsay Lohan; Kevin Federline.

The range of this year’s nominees demonstrates just how many people on this earth are getting entirely too much media coverage, usually for no good reason.  Why do people pay attention to Paris Hilton, for example?  I’m not sure.  In nominating the “socialite,” one reader worried that she’ll never go away.  “Paris Hilton is unfortunately still with us, isn’t she? At the end of the world there’s just gonna be her and her orange skin, cockroaches and Keith Richards.”  True, but what a party that’ll be!

Somehow, though, I’ve grown immune to the existence of Paris.  I don’t see what the big deal is, but seeing her on a magazine cover doesn’t send me into a frothing rage, either.  Seeing Nick Lachey and/or Jessica Simpson, however, does.  Are they breaking up?  Is it Nick’s fault?  Jessica’s fault?  Not only do I not care, I want them to break up, leave me alone in the supermarket checkout aisle, and go far, far away.  We, as a society, will be better for it.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson

  Hoobastank Worst Band Name Award

2004:  Hoobastank

2005 Nominees: Hot Hot Heat; Bubba Sparxxx; Handsome Boy Modeling School; Boo-Bonic; Death Cab For Cutie; Hoobastank; The Killers; Nickelback; Flogging Molly; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah; The Beatles.

Here’s a philosophical question:  if Hoobastank is such an awful band name that the category was named after it, should it not then be the default winner of the category in each successive year nominated?  And here’s my philosophical answer:  Well, no, because that would get boring.  The category was named after Hoobastank because they embodied the worst we have in band names, but we’re not beholden to them, especially considering this year’s nominees.

I gave strong consideration to Flogging Molly, particularly after receiving my weekly Ticketmaster email update with the subject line “Don’t miss Flogging Molly” -- it sounded like an invitation to join a mob of skinheads beating up some poor little Irish girl.  But Flogging Molly can’t hold a candle to the head-scratchers on the list, Death Cab For Cutie and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.  Both of those names pretty much make you say, “Huh?”  But the question before us is, which is worse?  I’m going to go a little English-major on you here with the interpretation, but here’s how I see it:  Death Cab For Cutie is a noun, a single, identifiable thing, as random-sounding and disturbing as that thing might be.  But Clap Your Hands Say Yeah seems to me to be some sort of attempt at a sentence -- one not only seriously lacking in punctuation, but also one seeming to command me to do something.  And while I have, on occasion, clapped my hands and said “Yeah,” frankly, I don’t need a band name to boss me around like that.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

  Worst Technological Advancement

2000:  Corporate Internet tracking
2002:  Blackberry
2003:  Camera Phones

2005 Nominees: Video phones; Pop-up Blockers That Don’t Block Pop-Ups; iPod Halloween Costumes; Bluetooth Earpieces; Hybrid Cars.

Before you gasp that someone would suggest that hybrid cars are a bad technological advancement, let me clarify the intent of that nomination -- the loyal reader wrote, “they still suck, and we need them.”  Brilliant!  An interpretation of this category I’d never imagined.  And while I agree with the sentiment, because hybrid cars themselves are generally a good thing, as limited as they may be, it doesn’t count as the worst in my book.  As for the iPod Halloween costumes, here again we have an interpretation issue. The iPod is a piece of technology, but is a Halloween costume for your iPod a technological advancement?  Come on -- I think that’s just plain cute.

No, the technological advancement I could live without is the Bluetooth earpiece.  Never mind that I find the image of an actual blue tooth rather creepy; what’s even creepier is when you see people walking around with that earpiece stuck to the side of their heads, looking like a cyborg.  I was at a pizza joint this week where the guy who made the pizza kept running back and forth from the back room to the counter with a Bluetooth earpiece in his ear, jabbering away the whole time.  And the whole time, I kept wondering, “Can he really be paying attention to my pizza?”

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Bluetooth Earpieces

  Worst Fashion Trend

2000:  Fat Men in Speedos
2001:  Wearing Snakes Around Necks
2002:  Pointy-Toed High Heels
2003:  Trucker Hats
2004:  Ruffled Miniskirts

2005 Nominees: Capri Pants On Men; Popped Collars; Ugg Boots; Pants with Words Across the Butt; the Faux-Hawk; Wannabe Livestrong Bracelets; Skirts Over Pants; Indoor Scarves for Men; Printed T-shirts Under Button-Downs; Tiny Half-Sweaters/Half-Jackets.

It’s amazing to me how much people still get riled up about Uggs -- they’ve been here for years now, and they don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon -- and how many people think it’s clever to add “I think Ugg is short for Ugg-ly” to their nomination.  Everybody’s a comedian.  But Uggs?  Really, I’ve got no problem with them.  And the tiny half-sweaters/half-jackets?  One nominator described them as, “Those tiny, tiny, barely-covering-your-boobs sweaters that some girls are into.”  This, of course, would be why they’re a rather popular trend with the guys.

But the trend that just kills me is the popped collar.  This was ridiculous in the 80s -- how could it possibly be less than ridiculous now?  I’ll tell you how it can be more ridiculous -- when a dude wears two polo shirts, and pops both collars.  That’s uber-ridiculous, and an affront to all that is good in the world.  Please, if you’re reading this, and you’re a collar-popper, make it stop.

And the 2005 WOTY goes to:  Popped Collars

That’s all the time we have for this week, but be sure to tune in next week when we bring you the 2005 WOTYs Part II:  The Sequel.