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 The Most Worsterful Time of the Year
You know, I love the English language. I mean, I totally just made up the word “worsterful,” and yet I know for a fact that you know what I mean. Oh, sure, there may be some nuance to the word that you’ve missed, some alternate meaning that references a very specific couplet of medieval Austro-Hungarian poetry, but you definitely get the gist.
And not only that, but if I’ve been successful, you’ve now got a Christmas song stuck in your head. Of course, odds are, you had one in there already, because retailers have been pushing Christmas since Halloween out of fear that you might get your first winter heating bill and decide you can’t afford to buy anybody any gifts, which means that now even sports talk radio stations are playing Christmas songs.
 But that’s not my point, people. My point is that it’s December, the end of the year is coming soon, and we better get cracking on the WOTY nominations.
Yes, friends, the State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards are back, which means it’s time to start thinking about stuff that sucks. But when it comes to the WOTYs (pronounced whoa-deez, if you’re nasty), we’re not talking about stuff that just sucks a little bit. We’re talking about stuff that sucks a lot of bits.
If you’re new to this game, or you’re having some medium-term memory issues, here are the rules:
1. Read through the categories below, and review the previous “winners.”
2. Click on the link at the bottom to submit your nominees for the worst of 2005.
3. Add any write-in categories you think are missing.
4. Start dreaming of a white Christmas.
5. If that doesn’t work, think about chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Oh, come on, I definitely got you with that one.
Trying to remember what exactly happened in 2005? I know, me too. To jog your memory, you might want to check out the recap of VH1’s “Big in ‘05” show (which has already aired, totally ignoring the fact that something “big” could still happen in these last two weeks of the year) here. Or if you’d like to take a look back through lenses other than VH1’s, Google “Year in Review 2005.” In the first two pages of results alone, I found the Year in Review in Government Technology, the fantasy NASCAR Year in Review, the BBC Weather UK Year So Far, and the USA Today Senior Travel Year-in-Review. Fun stuff.
So, with those resources at your disposal, you should be ready to dive right in. Below are all the categories, any previous winners, and a bit of witty repartee thrown in as needed.
To clarify, not all categories have had winners in all years. In some cases the nominees were lame; with others, trying describe the thought process it would have taken to choose a “winner” would’ve taken upwards of 6,000 words, and I just wasn’t ready or willing to go there. Trust me, it’s better that way.
All right, enough of my hoodahodda -- let’s get on with the show:
 NEWS
Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson
2004: Scott Peterson Trial
Worst Political Trend
2004: 527 Committees / “I’m George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message.”
After including this category since the inception of the WOTYs and not getting any worthwhile nominations, I was almost ready to kill the category. But its life was spared by “I’m George Bush, and I approved this message.” Terrifying, that.
Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo
2002: Bipartisan Politics
2003: Weapons of Mass Destruction
SPORTS
Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays
2004: The Cream and The Clear
Interesting note here: the first two times we had winners, they were trends. The last two years have been catchphrases, although you could probably argue that “the Cream and the Clear” was both. But now that Tim Montgomery has been suspended from track and field for two years without failing a drug test, really, all bets are off.
Worst Name for a College Bowl Game
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone
2004: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Frankly, I just love looking at that list. The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone! Man, that was a great year. For this year’s bowl schedule, check out ESPN.com.
Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly
2000: The Bob ‘N’ Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica’s Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox’s Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn’s Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)
2004: Ron Artest and the Malice at the Palace (Indianapolis Pacers/Detroit Pistons)
Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly
2002: Najeh Davenport’s Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy’s Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)
2004: Ron Artest’s Record Promotion (Indiana Pacers/Truwarier)
The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award
2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2004: Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)
ENTERTAINMENT
Worst New Entertainment Trend
2000: Reality TV
Yet another year goes by with no new worst new entertainment trend. I mean, are we losing our touch?
Worst New Reality Show
2003: The Simple Life
2004: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap (Tie)
Just so you know, “Lost” isn’t a reality show. That’s stuff’s not really happening. Those people are actors. Same goes for “24.”
Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away
2000: The Cast of “Survivor”
2001: Carrot Top
2002: Jennifer Lopez
2003: Paris Hilton
2004: Ashlee Simpson
Worst Comeback from a Celebrity You Thought You’d Never Hear From Again
2002: Tawny Kitaen
2004: Tony Danza
It’s possible this is an even-year only category. We’ll have to see.
Worst Concept For A Television Show
2001: Emeril
Worst Television Commercial
2002: Capital One (Entire “What’s In Your Wallet?” Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub (“Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”)
2004: Levitra (“My Man.”)
Worst Product Tie-In To A Movie Or TV Show
All right, people, here’s your last chance -- many years, still no winner . . . and we even had that SpongeBob movie last year. If we don’t come up with something good in this one this year, I’m killing off the category.
Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway
2000: “Higher/With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
2001: “I’m A Slave 4 U,” Britney Spears
2002: “Like I Love You,” Justin Timberlake
2003: “Milkshake,” Kelis
Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song
2000: “Take A Picture,” Filter
2001: “Lady Marmalade,” Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: “Dilemma,” Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: “Baby Boy,” Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004: “The Reason,” Hoobastank
Hoobastank Worst Band Name Award
2004: Hoobastank
What, you were thinking maybe Staind?
WORK
Worst Office Trend
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay
2004: Work
When it comes to this category, Work is like the New England Patriots. Brutal efficiency.
Worst Email Spam
2000: The Microsoft “email tracker”
2001: “Increase your ejaculation by 583%!”
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance
2004: Important Online Banking Alert
Worst New Business Jargon
2000: B2B
2001: Flesh out
2002: Visit
The dearth of winners the last two years either means people have stopped making up new business jargon, or people can no longer tell it’s jargon.
Worst Technological Advancement
2000: Corporate Internet tracking
2002: Blackberry
2003: Camera Phones
Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award
2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS
2004: Curlz MT
We finally named the category after Comic Sans MS. But that doesn’t mean it’s ineligible to win again.
LIFE
Worst Fashion Trend
2000: Fat Men in Speedos
2001: Wearing snakes around necks
2002: Pointy-toed high heels
2003: Trucker Hats
2004: Ruffled miniskirts
What I like about this category is that it’s evolved. The first year, we had something that wasn’t necessarily a trend, but was generally unfashionable. The next year, we had something that one person (Britney Spears) wore once at an award show. Lately, we’ve been moving into things that many people actually wear every day. I’m curious to see where this evolution is going.
Or maybe it’s intelligent design.
Worst New Consumer Product
2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox
Ha! Intelligent design! I kill me!
Worst Holiday Tradition
2001: Salvation Army Bell Ringers
2004: Mistletoe
Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil’ Kim, Old Navy
2004: David Spade, Capital One
Now that you’ve read all the categories, it’s time to add your wisdom (and bitterness and cynicism) to the mix: submit your nominations here and stay tuned for the “winners” in January. You’ll be glad you did.
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