Neutral Zone Infraction

I love the NFL.  But I think it’s making people insane.

And while the following examples would certainly work as evidence, I’m not even talking about the bizarro Terrell Owens saga (and for a fittingly bizarro astrological explanation of T.O.’s antics, just click here), the Minnesota Vikings’ “love boat” shenanigans, Michael Irvin’s recent arrest on charges of possession of drug paraphernalia, his subsequent appearance in his regular spot on ESPN’s “Monday Night Countdown”, or even the pleas of Deion Sanders, who apparently is still playing safety in the NFL (who knew?), in defense of both Irvin and T.O.

No, I’m talking about stuff goofier -- and scarier -- than that.

Stuff like last Sunday, when Christopher “Chip” Noteboom raced onto the gridiron at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia.  Now, admittedly, a fan racing onto the field of play, only to be chased down by stadium security, is nothing new.  A fan racing onto the field of play to spread the ashes of his dead mother at the 50-yard line?  Okay, that’s new.

Predictably, Noteboom, who originally hails from Doylestown, Pennsylvania, a Philadelphia suburb, but is now a resident of Tempe, Arizona, was charged with “defiant trespass,” and has a hearing scheduled for next month.  Less predictably, when Chip returned to Arizona this week, he received a hero’s welcome.

According to the Arizona Republic, “mothers at the airport embraced him” and “attorney after attorney called to offer legal help.”  Said a humble Noteboom, who snuck onto the field during halftime, offered a Hail Mary before his mad dash, and released the ashes from a plastic bag as he ran, “I wasn't trying to make a big deal about it.  I just wanted to do it for my mom.”

Noteboom confessed that it wasn’t exactly his mom’s dying wish to be sprinkled on the turf at the Linc, but suspects that nevertheless, the huge Eagles fan “is absolutely smiling down at me from ear to ear.”

Aww, shucks.

In an incident more loin-warming than heartwarming, undercover officers busted a mobile strip club in the parking lot across the street from Raymond James Stadium in Tampa before Sunday’s game between the Buccaneers and Bears.

“A 40-foot motor home was converted into a strip club on wheels, offering alcohol and lap dances to football fans outside the stadium,” reports the Associated Press.  “Six women performed lap dances inside the motor home, charging $20 to $40 depending on whether they danced topless or totally nude.”  The undercover officers grew suspicious when they saw people distributing flyers advertising the party bus.

According to WTSP in Tampa, “The other thing the undercover officers observed, that at least two of the young ladies while engaged in lap dancing began performing oral sex for the patrons, on each other, not on the customers,” said Sgt. Bill Todd of the Tampa Police Department.

The strippers were duly charged (after the arresting officers had taken a long, hard look at the evidence, I suspect) with “commercial nudity” and “nudity where alcoholic beverages are sold.”  Evidently, these are misdemeanors in Tampa, but I’ll be honest -- I had no idea there even was such a thing as “commercial nudity,” let alone that it was a crime.

Apparently the DeJa Vu Club, which “sponsored” the event, doesn’t believe it’s a crime either.  Luke Lirot, an attorney for the esteemed establishment, doesn’t think the alleged violations will hold up in court, according to the AP story.  “The fact that this doesn’t take place at a specific business location would render those charges inapplicable,” he said.  Lirot then likened “the bus to a tailgate party where people share beverages.”

All right, sure, maybe that comparison’s a bit of a stretch, but let’s be fair -- at least the girls on the bus were loving each other and not stabbing each other.

And that’s more than you can say for Jets fans.

Jets fan Thomas J. Conwell, 21, has been accused of stabbing two fellow Jets fans in a Giants Stadium bathroom during Sunday night’s game.  According to the Associated Press, state police said Conwell was taunting a fan who was wearing a “Jets jersey bearing the name and number of injured quarterback Chad Pennington.  Conwell then took out a knife and stabbed [the fan] in the face, neck and ears, authorities said.”  Conwell also stabbed a bystander who tried to break up the fight.

This, in case you were wondering, is why if I ever go to a game at Giants Stadium, I will just pee in my pants.

As loony as the fans have been this week, coaches have hardly been exempt from the insanity.  While attempting to describe the hubbub surrounding quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, the rookie from Harvard who was the NFC offensive player of the week after leading the St. Louis Rams to a come-from-behind victory in his first NFL start, Rams interim head coach Joe Vitt uttered this gem:  “I know, it’s unbelievable, it’s like the Kennedy assassination.”

Do what now?

I’m sure this was not a premeditated analogy, but really, the Kennedy assassination?  For once, I’m speechless.

Just like Joe Vitt should have been.

And while it’s unlikely that he’ll earn more Heisman votes than Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush or Vince Young, I say Brad at least deserves a spot on the Heisman ballot, and you can help get him there.  Just go Vote for Heisman.com, click where it says “Click Here to Cast Your Vote,” and at the bottom of the page, write in Brad Duesing WR Division III, and provide your email address.  You’ll be glad you did.