Destiny's Child

Sometimes, someone comes into your life so unexpectedly, so inexplicably, it must be destiny.

That’s how I feel about Harriet Carter.

Until recently, I had never heard of the woman.  And then, for no reason I can explain or even fathom, she entered my world.  Well, more accurately, she entered my mailbox.  Okay, well, technically, it wasn’t her -- it was her catalog.

Now, a catalog receipt would hardly be worthy of mention, were it not for the fact that Harriet didn’t actually send it to me.  Nor did she send it to the previous resident of my apartment -- or even to “Current Resident.”

Rather, she sent it to someone who is not me at an address one street over and three blocks away from me.  Thus, I’m taking the catalog’s arrival in my mailbox as some sort of sign.

Unfortunately, I think it’s a sign of the apocalypse.

The front of the catalog proclaims that Harriet Carter has been offering “Distinctive Gifts Since 1958.”  Having perused the aforementioned gifts, I believe the longevity of this woman and her catalog says something significant about the American consumer.

Specifically, that the American consumer is insane.

How else to explain the “Tree Face,” featured on page 32?  “Eye-Catching ‘Tree Face’ puts a friendly smile in your yard!  Realistically rendered in textured ‘bark,’ this set of facial features is sure to charm all who pass by.  Your ‘cheery’ tree will become the talk of the neighborhood!”  Oh, it’ll become the talk of the neighborhood, all right -- because your neighbors will think you’ve been smoking weed with Sid & Marty Krofft.  Seriously, I think if I was walking home late at night and I came upon this thing on a neighbor’s tree, I might crap myself.

And how about the “Hair Cutting Umbrella,” displayed on page 40?  “Hair Cutting Umbrella is an essential tool for the home stylist!  Cape resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings as you trim, so neck, clothes and floor are protected.  Special upturned ‘lip’ along outer edge contains loose hairs until you’re ready to discard them, saves you time during clean-up -- no tedious sweeping or vacuuming needed!”  I’m pissed -- nobody warned me about the damage that hair clippings could do to floors.  Never mind that you look like you just crashed head-first through your car’s sun visor -- home stylists need floor protection!

What’s confusing, though, is if we’re so worried about protecting ourselves from hair, why are we encouraging our pets to climb up on the sofa?  That’s clearly the intent of the Dog Staircase, which “helps small or aging pets reach their favorite spots.  Your buddy doesn't have to give up his cozy chair just because arthritis or hip dysplasia has slowed him down.  Great for toy breeds, and cats just can't resist it. Lightweight staircase goes anywhere.  Has moisture barrier between foam and washable poly-fleece cover -- just in case there’s an ‘accident.’”  I can’t speak for all pet people, but I know I’ve spent quite a bit of time trying to keep my dog -- and her hair -- off the couch.  Why would I encourage her with a staircase to make it easier?  And the “moisture barrier” in case there’s an “accident”?  Let me get this straight -- we think there might be accidents, so we’ve waterproofed the little staircase that gets the pet up to the couch, where . . . there might be accidents.  Brilliant!

Of course, the solution to that problem is the “See-Thru Furniture Covers,” shown on page 33.  “See-Thru Furniture Covers protect your beautiful chairs and sofas.  Heavy duty, stitched slipcovers are contoured to fit all arm chairs. They slip on and off in a snap to keep out dust, dirt, spills, bugs. Will last for years. Clear poly.”  And, as a bonus, now I know where my grandmother got her plastic slipcovers.

Not to suggest that incontinence -- animal or otherwise -- is a major concern of readers of the Harriet Carter catalog (“Distinctive Gifts Since 1958”), but for those for whom it is, thankfully there are the “Waterproof Pants” (page 34), which “provide dependable, discreet protection. Vinyl pants fit over briefs and diapers to avoid embarrassing leaks.  Non-binding waist and leg openings make these pants comfortable enough to wear all day and night.  Won’t rustle after machine washing.”  Finally, no-rustle waterproof pants!  Those sound perfect for wearing around the neighborhood -- in case you accidentally get surprised by a Tree Face.

Of course, not all accidents can be prevented, which is why Harriet is proud to offer -- in an online exclusive, available only at HarrietCarter.com -- “Urine Gone! Stain & Odor Eliminator.” “Urine Gone removes new or old stains & odors from carpets, mattresses, furniture -- just about any washable surface or fabric!  Darken the room and use the included ‘stain detector’ black light to let you find the urine messes.  Just spray on Urine Gone and its enzyme action makes stains and odors disappear.  Supersized 24 fl. oz. bottle. Includes bonus pet hair remover.”

You know that old saying, “Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same”?

God, I hope that’s not true.