Volume 6, Number 10  Friday, March 18, 2005

Namely, March Madness

Normally, I would send out my March Madness column on Thursday. But I've been told lately that people have been betting money on the NCAA basketball tournament, and last weekend, when I was at the NCAA Division III Indoor Track and Field Championships, the NCAA gave us these blue wristbands that said "Don't Bet On It," and a booklet telling me about the dangers of betting on college sports, so you know, I didn't want to have this column come out Thursday and have any of you get the idea that I was encouraging you to bet on the tournament. So I waited until games were already in progress to send it out. Pretty clever of me, huh?

Anyway, what this all means is that you're now reading the 2005 State of the Union March Madness Viewer's Guide. By the time you're done, you will be the most enlightened viewer of college basketball in the world. I promise.

What Are The Odds Of That Happening?
Speaking of betting, every year at this time, one of the highlights of my week is checking out Danny Sheridan's tournament odds in USA Today. Last year, though, I was sorely disappointed -- that punk Sheridan stubbornly refused to give odds for every team in the tournament, as he had so consistently done in previous years. Indeed, the longest odds he gave were those against East Tennessee State, at 10,000 to 1. This was hardly a longshot at all, considering that in 2001, Sheridan had laid odds of 4 gazillion to 1 against Monmouth winning it all, and that in 2002, the odds against Winthrop were 14 gazillion to 1. So in this space a year ago, I loudly complained -- how, I asked, were teams like Florida A&M or Liberty going to truly understand how overwhelming of an underdog they really were? I couldn't figure it out -- were Danny's editors concerned that the paper would somehow be liable if one of his gazillion-to-one longshots actually won the thing? Did his calculator break?

Whatever it was, Sheridan evidently heard my cries, or got a new editor, or a new calculator (but definitely not a new barber), because the long odds are back -- although if you ask me, Sheridan's still being a bit conservative. His odds of the Oakland/Alabama A&M winner (which, as the world now knows, turned out to be those feisty Golden Grizzlies of Oakland) winning the tournament are 22 gazillion to 1. That may sound like pretty steep odds next to the Monmouths, Winthrops and East Tennessee States of the past, but Oakland's practically the favorite in this tournament compared to IUPUI in 2003 -- Sheridan's odds against them winning were 100 gazillion to 1.

I don't know about you, but I just love thinking about Danny Sheridan, sitting in his study in his pajamas and bunny slippers, stroking his moustache and feverishly punching numbers on his printing calculator with the eraser end of his pencil, finally declaring to himself, "Yes! That's perfect! Definitely 100 gazillion to 1!" and then cackling uncontrollably.

Not that you care, but Danny's odds-on favorites are Illinois and North Carolina, both at 3:1.

Where Have You Gone, Zakee Wadood?
One of the great things about the NCAA tournament is the opportunities it presents relative unknowns to make a name for themselves. I mean, you probably never heard of the Delaware State Hornets, but now that they're dancing, tons of people know who they are -- they're Duke's first-round victims. (As a totally esoteric aside -- and seriously, all of maybe six people will get this -- I'd like to give a quick shout out to that Edison Owls/Inventors great, Dennis Caldwell, who must be thrilled to see his Hornets finally make the tournament. Dennis, you were about 15 years too soon.)

Much the same way teams from conferences like the MEAC and the Ohio Valley Conference get their 40 minutes in the sun, the tournament gives players who might not exactly make the NCAA leader board for rebounds, points, steals, free throw percentage, or anything else you can consider a statistic -- cups of water consumed per half, slashing gestures performed, etc. -- the chance to earn some notoriety and make a name for themselves.

In our case, to make a name for yourself, you've got to have a great name -- like the estimable Zakee Wadood of East Tennessee State, who was one of my personal favorites the last two years. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup or anything, but as soon as I see an authentic ETSU jersey on eBay with "Wadood" on the back, I'm out fifty bucks. Sadly, Zakee has moved on -- and his ETSU Buccaneers didn't make the tournament this year, either. But the State of the Union All-Tournament All-Name Team goes on without him. Forthwith, the 2005 Men's Edition:

Austin Regional
Taj Finger, Freshman, Forward, Stanford
Winsome Frazier, Senior, Guard, Mississippi State
Jihad Muhammad, Junior, Guard, Cincinnati
Shavlik Randolph, Junior, Forward, Duke
Valdas Vasylius, Sophomore, Forward, Old Dominion

Chicago Regional
Stetson Hairston, Senior, Guard, Southern Illinois
Luther Head, Senior, Guard, Illinois
Mustafa Shakur, Sophomore, Guard, Arizona
Salim Stoudamire, Senior, Guard, Arizona
Xavier Whipple, Senior, Guard, LSU

Syracuse Regional
Hilton Armstrong, Junior, Forward-Center, Connecticut
Diamond Gladney, Senior, Guard, Ohio
Leemire Goldwire, Freshman, Guard, Charlotte
J'son Stamper, Junior, Forward, Minnesota
Obie Trotter, Junior, Guard, Alabama A&M

Albuquerque Regional
Nate Funk, Junior, Guard, Creighton
Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Junior, Forward, George Washington
Kevin Pittsnogle, Junior, Center, West Virginia
Dijon Thompson, Senior, Forward, UCLA
Guillaume Yango, Senior, Center, Pacific

Just Wondering
Is there anything more annoying than a gnat that keeps flying across your computer screen, but won't stay put long enough to get its intestines mashed through its eyeballs? Yeah, I don't think so, either.

The Name's The Thing
The best part of coming up with these all-name lists is sitting in front of my computer, saying them out loud to determine who makes the squad for each region. It's a complicated process. I take Monday's USA Today, I go through all the rosters (so you don't have to), highlight all the potentials for the squad, then say them aloud, one by one, to see which ones are the most fun to say. While you won't get to enjoy the full effect of that, I encourage you to say the names of these 20 ladies aloud. I guarantee, it'll make you smile.

Philadelphia Regional
Essence Carson, Freshman, Guard, Rutgers
Kalika France, Sophomore, Guard, Maryland
Alexis Hornbuckle, Freshman, Guard, Tennessee
Lindsay Wisdom-Hylton, Freshman, Forward, Purdue
Ikea Witt, Sophomore, Guard, Hartford

Chattanooga Regional
Amber Bland, Freshman, Guard, Penn State
Pokey Chatman, Coach, LSU
Sancho Lyttle, Senior, Forward, Houston
Roli-Ann Nikagbatse, Freshman, Guard-Forward, Liberty
Shawntinice Polk, Junior, Center, Arizona

Tempe Regional
JimAnne Baker, Freshman, Guard, TCU
Jocelyn Logan-Friend, Senior, Forward, Virginia
Muffet McGraw, Coach, Notre Dame
Anna Montanana, Senior, Forward, George Washington
Denita Plain, Senior, Guard, Coppin State

Kansas City Regional
Jazz Covington, Sophomore, Center, Louisville
Jamie Funn, Sophomore, Forward, Southern California
Sebnem Kimyacioglu, Senior, Forward, Stanford
Tnonealyer Powers, Senior, Forward, Alcorn State
Twiggy McIntire, Sophomore, Guard, Kansas State

And in case that name looked familiar, yes, Sebnem Kimyacioglu is Yasemin Kimyacioglu's sister.

Stupid, But Equal
For several years now, I've been railing about the discrepancies between the names of the Men's and Women's regions. In 2003, both brackets had an East, West and Midwest Region, but the fourth Men's region was the South, while the fourth Women's region was the Mideast. Last year that inconsistency was addressed, kind of -- while the Women's regions stayed the same, the Men's regions were changed entirely, named after the cities hosting the regional finals. Thus, in 2004, you had the East Rutherford, Phoenix, St. Louis and Atlanta Regions.

Now, evidently in some sort of Title IX-inspired quest for equality, the Women have joined the Men in their stupidity -- the Men have their Chicago, Syracuse, Albuquerque and Austin Regions, and now the Women have Chattanooga, Philadelphia, Tempe and Kansas City Regions, as you've no doubt by now figured out.

The only problem with these name changes is that it represents more fuzzy geography on the part of the NCAA. The feeder sites to the Philadelphia Regional final are Knoxville (the one in Tennessee), Dallas (in Texas), Storrs (Connecticut) and College Park (Maryland). It makes sense that playing in Connecticut and Maryland would lead to a regional final in Philadelphia. But Knoxville? And Dallas?

But this silliness isn't isolated to Philly -- or the Women's bracket. Fresno, California, is hosting teams in both the Kansas City Region and the Tempe Region. So is Minneapolis, Minnesota. Chapel Hill, North Carolina, is hosting games in both the Tempe Region and the Chattanooga Region. On the Men's side, Cleveland is hosting games in the Chicago and Albuquerque Regions, Oklahoma City is hosting teams in the Chicago and Syracuse Regions, and Worcester, Mass., is hosting games in the Austin and Syracuse Regions.

In fact, every single site that is hosting first- and second-round games in both the Men's and Women's brackets is hosting games that are part of two different Regions. And do you know why this makes sense? Because this is the same governing body that supports the BCS. Don't even attempt to reason with them.

Whoa. Cool.
You're not gonna believe this, but I think I somehow killed the gnat. I picked up my pen, and the little guy was lying there motionless underneath. I squashed him just to make sure he was dead.

Oh, So That's What's In A Name
So as I was going through the all-name lists to identify repeating all-namers, I realized that this is the fifth annual installment of the State of the Union March Madness Viewing Guide. That makes sense, seeing as this is the fifth year of The State of the Union. And feeling inspired by this realization, I thought it would be appropriate to have an all-time all-name team. But there have been so many great names to grace these All-Tournament All-Name Teams over the years, that I couldn't just pick five -- I had to go with a top ten. All of them, friends, are classics. Years in parentheses are years they made the squad.

Men's All-Tournament All-Name Team
Koko Archibong, Forward, Pennsylvania (2002, 2003)
Zakee Wadood, Forward, East Tennessee State (2003, 2004)
Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Forward, George Washington (2005)
Ruben Boumtje Boumtje, Center, Georgetown (2001)
Stetson Hairston, Guard, Southern Illinois (2002, 2003, 2004, 2005)
Prosper Karangwa, Guard, Siena (2002)
Aloysius Anagonye, Forward, Michigan State (2003)
Louvon Sneed, Forward, Liberty (2004)
Marco Killingsworth, Forward, Auburn (2003)
Leo Lightbourne, Forward, Liberty (2004)

Two quick thoughts on that men's squad:

1. When your name is Nate Funk or Guillaume Yango and you don't make the cut, that's a tough team to make.

2. As the only four-time selection, Stetson Hairston's name has now been officially retired. This means nobody else can come along and call himself Stetson Hairston. Now Zakee Wadood, that's another story.

Women's All-Tournament All-Name Team
Tan White, Guard, Mississippi State (2003)
Kristen Crockett-Kozlowski, Brigham Young (2003)
Alphalisha Johnson, Guard, Southwest Texas (2003)
Twiggy McIntire, Guard, Kansas State (2004, 2005)
Treynell Clavelle, Center, LSU (2004)
Ugo Oha, Center, George Washington (2003, 2004, 2005)
Chigozie Ozor, Guard, Colgate (2004)
Tnonealyer Powers, Forward, Alcorn State (2005)
Roli-Ann Nikagbatse, Guard-Forward, Liberty (2005)
Anna Montanana, George Washington (2003, 2004, 2005)

For what it's worth, "Where have you gone, Zakee Wadood?" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "Where have you gone, Koko Archibong?" And you can't argue with me about that.

Wanna Bet?
If you'd like to buy a "Don't Bet On It" wristband, by the way, just let me know. Or I'll trade you for an authentic Zakee Wadood jersey.