Return of the Man Wisdom, Part II

Last week, to get you ready for Valentine's Day, we posed several relationship questions to men in the hopes of explaining to women how the male of the species thinks.

Now, before I go any further, I should probably clarify that last statement. Many readers I spoke with this week questioned whether there was any "relationship" wisdom -- man or otherwise -- to be found in answers about who men think about when trying to hold off an erection (Strom Thurmond, Janet Reno, dead kittens, ugly nuns) or whether or not men like to cuddle (some yes, some no, some just looking for nookie).

Several others suggested that these answers prove conclusively that nothing so deep as "thought" is actually being produced by the male of the species.

And to those skeptics, I say, "Wait'll you hear what the guys have to say about peeing!"

Seriously. I mean, there's some pretty funny stuff.


When men are in a public shower (like at the gym or something) do they or do they not check each other out? And I don't mean staring or anything, but just a quick glance -- out of curiosity. I know some women do it.

Absolutely. I assume that's how Randy Johnson got the nickname "Big Unit." Imagine his first day of spring training in the minor leagues. He walks into the shower and someone goes, "Man, that's a big unit!" Also, if you read Rick Reilly's book "Who's Your Caddy", the chapter about John Daly explains that the name "Long John" is not just about how far he hits his driver. Which brings up another issue, men seem to have no problem showing off their equipment to each other. I'm not sure I get that one.

Not unless it's a shower in prison.

I saw this dude once in a gym locker room -- an old guy -- who was hung down around his knees and had balls the size of my fists. Did I "check him out"? Not exactly. Did I do a "holy shit" double-take? You bet. Did I say a short prayer for whatever female had to operate that machinery? Yes, and I recommend you all do the same.

It's just one of those things that you just notice and then don't care about. For instance, I was abroad and none of the guys were circumcised. It was a little odd, but it's not really one of those things worth caring about.

It's kind of like the part in the horror movie that deep down inside you don't want to see, but you still have to peek.

I'm not in public showers much, but when I am, I don't check other guys out. And if I did, I wouldn't tell you or your readers.

As a rule, a hearty no. The only exception is if you think you saw out of the corner of your eye a rat scurrying across the floor, realized that wasn't a rat that caught your eye, and then, well, curiosity will get the best of you.

I just got a water proof cell phone with a built-in camera. What do you think?


Do men really pee in the shower?

Men pee everywhere.

Yes. The US Military Field Manual also says it can treat athlete's foot.

Not unless absolutely necessary. That stuff burns.

Absolutely, or anywhere else we may be standing when the moment strikes us. One of the many benefits of having a penis . . .

Frequently and voluminously. At least pee goes down the drain, unlike women's ratty hair.

Hell yeah. Madonna said it's good for your feet.

Of course. We are always looking for ways to be more efficient (so we can watch a little more
SportsCenter).

Yes. It would be gross to pee while taking a bath.

I only know directly of one that does, and given who it is, I hope that it's a small, small minority.

Yes. Every time. Sometimes twice.

Most do. But they have good aim, so no worries.

Is the shower closer than the toilet?

Only at your house.


Is part of the reason behind growing facial hair just to show that they can? I mean, do they think that it makes them look older? Is it a status thing? Or is it just boredom?

A status thing? Only if you're Amish or 14 years old. I really happen to think that Freddy Mercury mustache is hot, and have been trying to get it to fill in since the 7th grade.

Unclear question. Do you mean the two-days-no-shaving look or the fu manchu? The former is because men are tired of ripping their faces to shreds. The latter is kinda redneck or hoosier.

Boredom, curiosity, laziness, ruggedness, and because we can.

I grow a goatee because I seriously look about 15 without one. My girlfriend also thinks I look better in general with one. When you first start growing stuff, it's about showing that you can. Later on, there's also a laziness factor.

If I could grow facial hair, I'd tell you. And I'd feel like more of a man.

Not much to offer here. Do you think that most guys with mustaches look like pedophiles?

Come on now, women of all people should know what a pain in the ass shaving is. Now, following the hierarchy of men's, motives the only reason for a man to shave a single hair is if it could potentially get in the way of him having sex. So, believe it or not, that fat guy wearing a sweater at the beach is getting more action than the ripped, hairless lifeguard about to save his life.

Facial hair is sweet. I don't care what you say.


While we're on the hair issue, what's with the back hair? I'm fairly confident that there is not one woman on earth who would say that she liked it. Is it that they don't care enough to shave it? Too hard to reach? I don't know, maybe they like having hair all over their bodies . . .

Just not important enough to do anything about. And if you can hide it from a potential mate until after she says yes to a proposal -- difficult to do but not impossible -- it becomes a non-issue.

I don't look at my back in the mirror. And if I noticed any hair there, I sure as hell wouldn't know why I should get rid of it, or how.

Why shave it? It might be disgusting, but I have never heard an instance where it was a dealbreaker.

It's really hard to reach. I don't like it, but I will not contort myself in weird ways to pull it out. Therefore, the occasional back pube is gonna be there.

Don't have back hair (or I can't see it and therefore don't know I have back hair, which may be the answer to this question), can't answer this one.

No facial hair = no back hair = no problem.

All back hair should be shaven. PERIOD.

As long as their woman will put up with it, there is no reason to shave it or have it waxed. It is much easier to find a woman who will put up with it than to have to shave it every day for the rest of your life.

Women are right. But remember the back is harder to reach than the leg. So offer to shave it for us. Or do it while we're sleeping.


Why do men (and I'm not 100% sure if this pertains to all men) feel the need to gorge themselves at buffets? I mean, I understand that they want to get their money's worth, but they know that it's going to make them feel terrible afterward -- why not just hold off on that last plate?

As a friend always says, at a buffet, rule #1 is a meat item must be on every plate. Otherwise, there is something to the idea of just eating to eat.

Temporary insanity. It's there, we've paid for it, and I just personally love to eat.

Cause money doesn't grow on trees and I don't like the way that waiter is looking at me like he's getting over on me.

It's all you "can" eat . . . not all you "want to" eat. Get with the program.

For the same reason we think chili cheese dogs with extra onions are a good idea -- it tastes good and we aren't bright enough to think beyond immediate gratification, regardless of the consequences.

How often can men get tons of food without a lot of work or money?

I've stopped doing this, but partially because there is so much stuff to try and one usually doesn't have the opportunity to have as much bacon as they would like.

It's fun. It's competition. It's the American Way!

It looks good, it tastes good, I ain't eating later, may as well eat now.

Buffets are gifts from God, and God just keeps on giving. How can you say no to more?

It's a law of economics. More is ALWAYS better. If it's available for free.

Because we can.

This is a "why" question for which one of my standard answers applies: "Why not?"

Why do men climb Everest? Because it's there.

And let THE BUFFET MAN beat us? Never . . . victory at all costs.


Assuming they are not in the woods, why are men so against sitting down to pee? You don't have to worry about aiming (cause I don't care if it's 3 am or not, they're not good at it) and you don't have to worry about putting the seat down (or the probable wrath of your wife/girlfriend that would result from forgetting).

Ummm . . . what is the point of this? I personally hope to have a urinal in my home someday, and avoid the seat issue altogether.

Speed. Unzip, wait 30 seconds, and re-zip. A few stray drops here and there never hurt anyone.

I have sat many times out of pure laziness. But to stand is something powerful.

I have a better question: why do we have to put the seat down? Why do we have to make two actions? What's the big deal about putting the seat down? Would you rather we pee on the seat or would you rather put the seat down every once in a while? It's the '00s. Women like to think of themselves as equals, so quit bitching about the seat being up. Grow up.

Because it's a lot harder to write our name in the snow when sitting or crouching.

As far as I would guess, men are against sitting down to pee in the woods too. I mean, where would you sit? Beyond that, strictly a 'being a man' thing. You can stand to pee, women can't, so there. Similarly, I can eat 20 billion slices at a pizza buffet, so I do. Sometimes men don't have an 'off' switch.

The closer the kibbles and bits are to the porcelain, the more splashback will affect them.

Peeing standing up is the ultimate declaration of manhood, like saying the pledge of allegiance is the ultimate declaration of being a loyal American. It is our male birthright, and we must do it whenever possible. I even remember when my father would knock on the door when I was little and ask if I was standing up. If I wasn't, I did.

Peeing while standing up is so awesome. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's fun to aim at things while pissing. It takes less time because we don't need to fuss with pants, we can just open the barn door, let the horsey peer out and let it go.

It all comes down to marking territory and showing off our biological superiority. Actually, it's all we men have. Men die younger, are more likely to commit suicide, and are more likely to be imprisoned. We should be allowed to show off our one good trick.


And, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen . . . another heaping helping of Man Wisdom. If you seek further man wisdom, or you are a man with some wisdom to contribute -- or if you believe turnabout is fair play, and you'd like to pose some questions to women -- just drop us a line. Because you'll never know if you don't ask.