Return of the Man Wisdom

Two years back, to honor and commemorate Valentine's Day, I asked a few of my female friends what questions they had about the male of the species. Once those questions started rolling in, I realized that I was but one man, and that for me to try to speak on behalf of all manhood would be folly -- and could also possibly get me in a lot of trouble.

In an effort to get a more balanced set of responses, I posed these questions to a few of my male friends, and the responses were ... enlightening.  Kind of.  Actually, mostly, they were disturbing.  But they were undeniably entertaining.

Two years later, much has changed in the world. We've enjoyed tremendous technological advances -- most people can now take pictures with their cell phones, iPods are ubiquitous, TiVo is so popular it's worried about its name becoming generic, and if a coffee shop doesn't have wireless Internet access, I'm pissed -- yet for all we have figured out, women still find men confounding. They wonder about our biology, our urges (sexual and otherwise), and what we think about relationships. There are still plenty of things about us that just don't make sense to them.

And so, as V-Day approached, the time seemed right to ask what questions were troubling women about men -- and find out what men had to say about them. The questions (in bold) and a sampling of the answers follow. But be warned:

1. Several of these responses are PG-13.

2. If you're in the library right now, you might want to wait to read this until you're somewhere you don't have to be so quiet.

Also, there were so many good questions, and good responses, that to get them all in one column probably would have meant you wouldn't get any work done this morning. So, since I don't want you blaming me for your lack of your productivity, this is going to be a two-parter, with the second part coming next Friday. Since Valentine's Day is coming soon, though, today's questions deal with relationships. I'm assuming you won't have any major questions about men's peeing habits between now and the 14th.

And with that, I bring you Man Wisdom 2005, Part I...

How do men feel about the book "He's Just Not That Into You" (spawned from a now-famous Sex and the City episode)? The premise is that when women ask questions like "Why won't my boyfriend of 40 years propose?", people say "He has commitment issues," or "His grandma was mean to him," essentially making up excuses when the real reason is "he's just not that into you." Do men feel LIBERATED that is info is finally out there and they can now actually come out and say it, or do they feel BETRAYED that their secrets are finally revealed? Or I guess a better question is, do men even know this book is out there and is WILDLY popular?

I've never heard of it, but I doubt men worry too much about what they say on SITC. Liberation and betrayal seem disproportional to any male reaction to this subject I could imagine. I thought it was obvious that "commitment issues" and "his grandma was mean to him" were euphemisms for "he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to make a promise in front of God, his mom and your dad that there is a 50% chance he won't keep."

I've heard of the book, but don't know much about it -- though when I saw a girl listed it as her favorite book on an Internet dating profile, I clicked onto the next girl. The theory of the book as you explain it sounds legit, though.

These books freak me out. Not because they attempt to systematically define unknown aspects of human behavior, but because they generate social revolutions. I'll feel liberated in six months when this book is forgotten.

Women are smart. More smart than any man will ever admit. In fact, most women are smarter than most men (excluding myself of course). So rather than give women the answers to all of their questions, it would be much easier to give them the only information they need to figure the answers out on their own. Unlike women, men are essentially motivated by very little. I mean that in two senses: A) men have a very basic set of motives that govern their entire lives; and B) men aren't very motivated. Anyway, all women really need to know is that a true man's way of life revolves around three things (in order from least to greatest): an overwhelming sense of pride, putting the least amount of effort into absolutely everything he possibly can, and sex. With that in mind, I'm going to opt not to answer this question because it's over my four-line reading limit.

Why do men usually assume that whatever education/experience I/women have, it is less than their own?

Wow ... talk about an assumption! I kinda like having to call a woman "doctor."

Men just usually assume we are right. I think it's because our mothers told us how smart we were instead of how pretty we were. I know I don't assume that women have any less education or experience than me or than other men. I just assume I am right most of the time and if someone disagrees, I feel the need to be proved wrong. Just because I think you're wrong doesn't mean I think you're not educated or experienced (or even intelligent, for that matter).

Ego. And women like to play to dumb so men think they are smarter. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't. Unless someone opens their mouth and sounds like an idiot. And that applies to men and women alike. I don't care how much schooling or experience someone has. In my book, it's not what you are qualified to do, it's what you're capable of doing that is important.

It's not just women they think that about ... it's other men too.

Because it usually is. But it really is a horrible habit. I blame it on the media ... and the Republicans.

We assume that about everyone. Sometimes it's not about you or your gender. Get over it.

Ow. Feeling a little bitter? Lighten up, Francine.

Do men really like to cuddle, or are they just humoring us?

Cuddling is often the only thing standing between a man and a good night's rest. Therefore it's more effort than a true man should be willing to put forth, unless of course it could potentially lead to sex, regardless of how far in the future that sex may come.

Let's put it this way: one person's cuddle is another's grope.

Could be guilty of either depending on the point in time. Impossible to discern motive, but when his hand hits your boob you know what you're up against.

Depends on the woman. But no matter the woman, there is a time limit.

Cuddling sucks. Plain and simple it sucks. And it's a waste of time (don't tell my girlfriend).

Men like to cuddle, especially when it's going to lead to sex.

For a little bit. Until the blood runs out of my arm or I get fidgety.

Of course we are humoring you, we would rather sleep, or get some munchies to fuel round two.

It depends on when the cuddling is. If it is before sexual activity, then it is considered foreplay, and sure, we like to cuddle. If it is after sexual activity, then men like to cuddle because it's nice to have something to hold on to while falling asleep.

Don't like cuddling, only put up with it in hopes of some morning nookie.

I'd say 75% humoring, 10% actually wanting to, and 15% hoping it leads somewhere else. These percentages might be skewed since I've been dating one girl for almost a year and a half now. Maybe that caveat should go at the top of all these questions.

Baby, pretty girls shouldn't ask stupid questions. Now go to sleep.

What (or who, I suppose) do men think about when trying to hold off an erection?

Phyllis Diller. Margaret Thatcher. Naked. On a cold day.

I just roll with it.

Nuns.

Why fight it? This isn't as big an issue now that I'm in my 30s.

Mentally singing the Star Spangled Banner

Strom Thurmond.

Janet Reno. Or "Sine, Sine, Cosine, Sine, 3-point-1-4-1-5-9."

My grandmother who is dead.

Hold off an erection? Where did you hear that myth? Waaaaaayyyy too much effort when erections are easily concealed behind a belt and covered with an un-tucked shirt.

For me, it's Roseanne Barr -- but I know a guy whose mantra is "Dead kittens, ugly nuns; dead kittens, ugly nuns."

My overweight (by 100 lbs.), flatulent, female boss.

It doesn't matter. Erections have a mind of their own.

What kind of question is this?

Are guys doubly intimidated by the female mind and its constant analysis as a result of surveys like this? Or are they comforted to know that we are just as confused as they are? Please let everyone know that we, too, would sometimes rather just forget everything and have sex.

Let's go! Right now, baby!

Men are confused, but women are all insane. This isn't really all that comforting. And knowing that sometimes they just like to have sex is even more frustrating because we never know when that is.

Please send picture and email address. Are you into "Stargate SG1"?

Definitely not comforted but not intimidated either. I'm just curious to know how women can remember every outfit her best friend has ever worn but not understand how I remember every golf hole I have ever played.

I'm afraid to answer.

The last sentence is false. It is a trap to get guys to let their guard down and BOOM!!! a test like this is over analyzed and all HELL breaks loose.

Who said guys were intimidated by the female mind? This really is a humor column.

Some men are intimidated, but all study it. There are many formal websites and discussion groups trying to understand the female mind -- or rather, how to get it to want to go to bed with us.

What about forgetting everything and having sex? You did say that, right? Cause I'm game whenever you are.

Who the %&@# wrote that last line and why didn't I marry her?

When a guy is checking you out, is it possible he is thinking, "Wow, I would really like to get to know her better," or is it always more like, "Wow, I would really like to get her into bed"?

Is she a freak? I may just be wondering what possessed her to have the bridge of her nose pierced. Otherwise, likely just wondering what it would take to get her in bed. Unless of course my girlfriend is there ... then it's, Can I get them together?

What's the difference?

Only a woman would be naive enough to ask that question. The good news is we do often like getting to know you as well. It's just not the first thing that comes to mind.

I usually don't think either of those thoughts -- I'm just thinking, "Damn, nice ass!" and it doesn't get much farther than that. If she stays in eyesight for a really long time, I might think either one of those thoughts, but most likely I just want to bone her.

It's more crass than that. It's more like, "Damn! The things I'd do to that girl!"

It's not always about the sack. Sometimes people remind you of folks you know, loves lost, or that you have to pick up the dry cleaning. And it's always fun to make up stories about people and their lives -- that is, if you were in charge.

The correct mentality is really a beautiful combination of the two thoughts. I would really like to get to know her better because I would really like to get her and/or her friends into bed. Why parse the issue?

Depends on how long ago he last had sex.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, a generous helping of man wisdom. Do you seek further man wisdom? Do you have some man wisdom to contribute? If so, we here at The State of the Union want to hear from you. Just drop us a line here.

Happy Valentine's Day!