Volume 6, Number 3  Friday, January 21, 2005

Cleverly Maned, Too

Remember 2004? Doesn't it seem like, so last week? Truth be told, it was so three weeks ago. That's why just for today, we'll make a little bit more fun of things that happened in 'aught four, then never speak of it again. Unless there's something really funny we need to reference later.

(For a recap of last week's festivities, click here)

And now, on with the show:

Worst Political Trend

2004 Nominees: State Constitutional Amendments on Marriage; Micropolitan Areas; Inaccurate Exit Polls; "527" Committees; Federal Censorship; "I'm George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message."

As I mentioned when soliciting nominations, this is a long-running category that never garnered enough interesting nominees to actually merit a winner. But the drought is over! I guess it was just that bad of a political year. So bad, in fact, that we have a tie, as one winner couldn't have done it without the other. Thanks to Section 527 of the Internal Revenue Code, 2004 was the year of the 527, and call them 527 organizations, 527 committees, or 527 political groups, these assemblages were essentially created to exploit a campaign financing loophole -- no doubt exactly the sort of thing the Founding Fathers envisioned when they were drafting up the ol' Constitution back in the day. And, thanks to the bare-knuckle tactics used by so many of these 527 groups in their TV commercials, candidates felt compelled to identify which pro-them commercials they were actually responsible for, and which anti-the-other-guy commercials were being produced by extremist radical crackpots whose support they wholeheartedly appreciated, but whom they didn't exactly want speaking quite so extremely on their behalf. Thus, "And I approved this message" crept into the vernacular this year, serving both as a sign that soft money ruled, and an easy punchline for countless lazy pundits. Thanks to both of you. No, seriously.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: 527 Committees / "I'm George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message."

Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: "Make Plays"

2004 Nominees: Long-Haired Cornerbacks (NFL); "Holler!" (Stuart Scott); The Cream and the Clear (BALCO); "It is what it is" (Many); "Punched in the mouth" (Sean Salisbury/Jay Bilas).

I have to admit, when I first saw "It is what it is" as a nominee, I was confused. I mean, of course it is what it is, that goes without saying, but otherwise, there was no recognition. Then I Googled the phrase, and found this article in USA Today that named it Sports Cliché of the Year. But after reading the article, it's really not so bad -- it is what it is. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.) And while I think the growing trend of NFL cornerbacks with dreadlocks flowing out of their helmets is weird -- for one, they tend to look like the alien from Predator, and B, it can't be much longer before one of them gets tackled on an interception return by their hair (I think this is why the trend is so popular among cornerbacks and not wide receivers -- they're not worried that much about getting tackled) -- I wasn't tired of hearing about long-haired hippie cornerbacks on SportsCenter by the end of the year. However, I was completely tired of hearing about the Cream and the Clear. I'm not naïve -- I know that performance-enhancing substances have been a part of baseball since the first guy dipped chewing tobacco. And don't even get me started on spitballs. But there's been suspicion, warnings and criticism about steroids in baseball for years. How is it that we're still dealing with this mess now? I know, I know -- people like cheating! But for those of us not actively sticking needles into our thighs, this has got to be the worst trend in sports. Not only do we fans have to question the validity of performances, but we have to hear stories about sketchy drug dealers like Victor Conte when we should be enjoying Grizzlies-Clippers highlights, and worse, we have to hear specific details about these fancy drugs athletes are taking, and how they're taking them. If it gets to the point where stories detailing how athletes pee into the cup (and why some athletes are better than others) start leading the six o'clock SportsCenter, I'm writing a formal letter of to ESPN asking that they take the drug news out of my sports news and create a new channel for it: ESPNRoid.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: The Cream and The Clear

Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly
2002: Najeh Davenport's Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy's Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)

2004 Nominees: Ron Artest's Record Promotion; Kobe Bryant Breaking Up The Lakers; NHL Players Lockout; Mike Tyson's Toyota Tantrum; Michael Olowokandi's Tiki Bob Troubles.

Honestly, was anybody surprised to hear that a drunk Mike Tyson stumbled out of the Pussycat Lounge in Scottsdale, Arizona, jumped on the hood of some poor guy's Toyota Solara and started pounding and yelling? This is like being surprised to find out that the dog ate the cupcake you left on the floor. So while Tyson's deed qualifies as bad athlete behavior, it's so expected, it's hardly worth noting. Same with Kobe breaking up the Lakers and the NHL Lockout -- if you were following each of these stories, you saw it coming, and you shrugged. Par for the course. But oh, that Ron Artest. Has an athlete ever taken titles for both on-field and off-field bad boy? That would be, as they say, unprecedented. But what do you give a guy who asked for time off from his NBA job -- right at the beginning of the season -- to promote the first album on his label, Truwarier (others of you might spell this True Warrior, but trust me, you are not feeling Ron Artest) Records? Well, once he goes into the stands and beats up a few fans, you give him that time off -- thanks to a league suspension. And what does he do in the days immediately following the incident and suspension? He uses every opportunity afforded him by his new notoriety to . . . promote the album! And the worst part of it all? In its first two weeks of release, the album, "Chapter III," by the R&B threesome Allure, sold a whopping 1,200 copies nationwide. Actually, the worst part is that there's a headline on the Truwarier website (http://truwarierrecords.com/Truwarier.htm) that says "Artest album coming soon." Apparently, Ron's going to rap. Consider yourself warned.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Ron Artest's Record Promotion

The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award
2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)

2004 Nominees: Minnesota Wild; Miami Dolphins (Alternate Orange); Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas); BYU Cougars (Blue Pajamas with Racing Stripes); Utah Jazz Road Jerseys, Jacksonville Jaguars (Alternate Black Pajamas).

The defending champs got nominated again for their alternate orange duds, but somehow this year, they don't look that bad. Why? Because 2004 was the year of the monochromatic pajamas. Evidently, the big idea in the football fashion world was, "You know, not enough teams are wearing dark pants with dark tops. Let's try that." And try they did, usually to bad effect (though the Arizona Cardinals' red-over-red unis didn't look too bad). However, as goofy as the Jags and BYU Cougars looked in their dark-as-night black-over-black and navy-over-navy uniforms (respectively), nobody looked as downright creepy as the Oregon Ducks when they went yellow. And as you can see in the photo, we're talking bright yellow pants, bright yellow jerseys with dark green numbers and sleeves, and monochrome dark green socks. They look kind of like highlighters with numbers on them. So while the Ducks generally get fashion props for their creativity and adventurousness, the yellow and green PJs get the quack.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)

Worst Email Spam
2000: The Microsoft "email tracker"
2001: "Increase your ejaculation by 583%!"
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance
2004 Nominees: M-o-r-t-g-a-g-e-s are at an all-time low!; Refinance Your Home the Christian Way; Naughty Housewives Wanna Play; Important Online Banking Alert; We Got Lots V|AGR@, x@nax, Vali:u:m; Meet Christian Singles.

It's amazing to me that with all the spam filters and spam blockers in the world, with how much people hate spam, with how aware people are that spam generally equals scam or sham, that I'm still getting hundreds and hundreds of spam emails. I mean, I know it's cheap to send spam, but can it even be worth the effort anymore? I know, I know -- it must be worth the effort to somebody, otherwise, there would be no spam. It is, indeed, all about the Benjamins, virtual though they may be. Or maybe spammers now view their craft as more of an art. Perhaps this would explain the explosion of creativity we saw in 2004 -- and I don't just mean creative spellings of V|AGR@. Mortgages continued to be at an all-time low, but now you can refinance your home the Christian Way. I'm not sure exactly what this means -- is the Christian Way different from the Bank Way? Hm . . . maybe I should read my spam more closely. But the spam that takes the crown for worst of 2004 is the "Important Online Banking Alert" spam, in all its variations -- Update Your Online Banking Records, Confirm Your Online Banking Records, Fraud Prevention Measures, Verify Your Details, Please Update Your Account . . . the list goes on. I don't suppose these are any more annoying than any other spam, just more intentionally thieverous (if that's a word, and since I just used it, it now is. Add it to your dictionary). Has any spam been more direct about asking you to give them your financial information so they can steal your money? Sadly, people fall for this -- one of my co-workers got one of these emails from "Citibank," thought it was real because she had a Citibank account, and actually clicked on the link. Of course, if I believed every spam I got, I would suddenly have online banking accounts with half the financial institutions in the world. Let's just hope that we don't see this spam in 2005: Confirm Your Online Banking Records -- the Christian Way!

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Important Online Banking Alert

Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil' Kim, Old Navy
2004 Nominees: Bob Dylan, Victoria's Secret; Catherine Zeta Jones, T Mobile; Sarah Jessica Parker, Gap; Snoop Dogg, Sidekick; David Spade, Capital One; Dennis Miller, NetZero.

This has emerged as one of my favorite categories, because every year, someone you wouldn't expect to sell his or her soul ends up on this list. And selling out has become so commonplace that when somebody so historically anti-corporate like U2 appears in a blitz of commercials (in this case for iTunes and iPod), nobody flinches. Of course, that's because that one was tasteful, logical (U2 is a band, and iTunes and iPod are about music), and well done -- not to mention catchy as hell. You know how catchy that Apple/U2 commercial was? My dad went out and bought the new U2 album. This is revolutionary news. But not all sellouts in 2004 were so warm and fuzzy. Bob Dylan? Well, at least he wasn't coming on the screen and talking about the virtues of Victoria's Secret latest bras and panties. Not that that would've been hard to do, as they are quite virtuous, but still, it would've been uncomfortable for everybody involved. No, the worst soul-selling belongs to the man who made the decision to participate in what I have now deemed the all-time worst series of commercials: David Spade, who ruined everything to become the "No" guy for Capital One. David, these Capital One commercials have been the most annoying thing on television for years now! Did you think the whole "keNO in reNO" thing was funny? Clever? Chuckle-worthy? Because it's not, David. And every time I watch one of those commercials, I lose a little respect for you, while my hatred for Capital One grows and grows. Please tell me that you didn't need the money that bad, but that they kidnapped you from your Beverly Hills estate, brainwashed you, and then made you make those commercials. For the sake of your comic legacy, please tell me that's what happened. Because then we can send in Jack Bauer to save you or something.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: David Spade, Capital One

Worst Holiday Tradition
2001: Salvation Army Bell Ringers
2004 Nominees: Mistletoe; Valentine's Day Cards For More Than One Person; Complaining That Christmas Starts Earlier Every Year; M&Ms Changing Colors For Each Holiday; Fruitcake.

Sometimes the nominator just says it best. Of mistletoe, one clever reader wrote: "It catches one by surprise. If I have another old woman attack me, I am done." Couldn't have said it better myself.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Mistletoe

Worst Fashion Trend
2000: Fat Men in Speedos
2001: Wearing snakes around necks
2002: Pointy-toed high heels
2003: Trucker Hats
2004 Nominees: Ugg Boots; Ruffled Miniskirts; Ugg Boots with Ruffled Miniskirts; Designer Flip Flops when it's Cold and Raining; Trucker Hats.

Thought trucker hats were a passing fad? According to our nominators, they stuck around for yet another year. And let me tell you, this whole Ugg Boots thing? Not going anywhere in 2005. In fact, Uggs and Ugg-like boots dominated the nominations in this category, but I kinda like them. I even think they look okay with ruffled miniskirts. But I hereby decree that if you're going to wear a ruffled miniskirt, you must wear Ugg Boots with them. Otherwise, you're making a serious fashion faux pas. Even worse if you wear your ruffled miniskirt with designer flip flops when its twelve degrees out and raining.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Ruffled miniskirts

Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away
2000: The Cast of "Survivor"
2001: Carrot Top
2002: Jennifer Lopez
2003: Paris Hilton
2004 Nominees: Lindsay Lohan; Ashlee Simpson; Jessica Simpson; Paris Hilton; Donald Trump; Britney Spears.

Again, wisdom from the mouths of my readers on Paris Hilton: "Because she's rich, Paris keeps buying more 15 minutes. She has the 'anywhere minutes' plan." On Ashlee Simpson: "Does she qualify as a celebrity?" On Britney Spears: "She's married, she's not married, she's married again and walking through public bathrooms barefoot -- who cares???" Needless to say, it was a heated battle in 2004. Based on the number of nominations, Lindsay Lohan should've won this thing, and there were several times when I was like, "Okay, enough stories about Lindsay Lohan's boobs! Just give us pictures!" Wait, did I say that last part out loud? Anyway, Lindsay was everywhere, but because I saw Mean Girls (a quality flick), I know that she has some talent -- she just needs to get a little less exposure. Not so for many of our other nominees -- especially that little rascal, Ashlee Simpson. It's hard to think of someone else in recent memory who has had more hype and less talent. I mean, sure, Paris is all hype and no talent, but there never were any claims to her having any talent. Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be an artist. And, she's not -- she's a disposable product. So please, just, like, go away. Maybe learn how to sing while you're at it.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Ashlee Simpson

Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song
2000: "Take A Picture," Filter
2001: "Lady Marmalade," Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: "Dilemma," Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: "Baby Boy," Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004 Nominees: "Yeah!", Usher; "This Love/She Will Be Loved," Maroon 5; "Hey Ya!", Outkast; "The Reason," Hoobastank; "Let's Get It Started," Black Eyed Peas.

Most of these songs I can still listen to without feeling compelled to change the station, which is ultimately the test of whether or not a song has been played to death. But when it comes to Hoobastank's "The Reason," I cannot hit the button fast enough. I debated whether to even include this song, because I don't know that I ever considered it a decent song, but looking back to when I first heard it, I have a vague recollection that I listened a few times and thought, "Well, it's not terrible. I wonder what they'll play next." So I guess that qualifies as decent. After repeated, repeated listenings at the mercy of some cold-hearted radio playlist masochist, however, I have come to know that this song is an intolerable droning moanfest from a band with an incredibly stupid name (see below). Insert your own Hoobastink joke here.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: "The Reason," Hoobastank

New Category! Worst Band Name
2004 Nominees: Hoobastank; Goo Goo Dolls; Scissor Sisters; String Cheese Incident; Halloween, Alaska; And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead.

I'm guessing you can guess where this one is going. But in case the name itself doesn't do it for you -- and remember, these guys call themselves Hoobastank -- I again defer to the wisdom of my readers, who said of this band, "If you're gonna call yourself that, at least be hardcore gangsta," and "This should also be a memorial award." I'm going to agree with them.

And the 2004 Hoobastank Worst Band Name Award goes to: Hoobastank. (First time's the charm.)

Worst Television Commercial
2002: Capital One (Entire "What's In Your Wallet?" Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub ("Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?")
2004 Nominees: Capital One, The 'No' Guy; Viagra, The 'Horny' Guy; Oral-B Brush-Ups, Dancing in the street with teeth-brushing finger napkins; Coors Light, "The Coldest Tasting Beer in the World"; Pepto Bismol, Dancing with Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Diarrhea; Levitra, "My man"; Saturn, Comparing "my man to a car".

It was a year filled with bad commercials (shocking), and not surprisingly, most of the perpetrators were familiar -- Capital One, erectile dysfunction pill pushers, diarrhea drugs . . . fun bunch, huh? And though 2004 has thus far been the year of the double dip, thanks to Ron Artest and Hoobastank, I'm going to leave Capital One alone on this one, because really, their commercials weren't any more horrible and annoying than they've been in the past. Don't get me wrong, they were horrible and annoying, but they weren't mining any new ground in 2004 -- though I am considering naming the category after them, or at least giving them some sort of lifetime achievement award. And as icky as the Pepto spots were (by which I mean commercials, not, you know, spots), they still don't come close to the ickiness of Imodium's "Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?" hot tub fiasco. I mean, nausea and diarrhea can be gross, but at least they had fun with it. Which leads me to the continued assault on the American male. It's not the Saturn commercial, in which this girl says, "Not to compare my man to a car, but . . ." -- and then compares her man to a car -- that gets to me. It's that plus the ED commercials. Cialis, Viagra, Levitra . . . they're all consistently terrible. But the worst of the lot is definitely Levitra, if only because of that creepy woman who says, "for that quality sexual experience." She's haunting me. I'm seeing her in my dreams. Help!

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Levitra, "My Man."

And there you have it. Here's hoping for a much, much better 2005 ...