Volume 6, Number 2  Saturday, January 15, 2005

Cleverly Maned

One of the reasons we award the State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards in January is that it grants us absolute confidence that not a single thing worth mocking will be left out. If something really dumb happens on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, we're on top of it.

The other is that waiting until January means we can steal ideas from all of the Best of the Year magazine issues -- and use them to help us remember a lot of stuff we forgot that happened way back in March.

But of course, the best ideas about the Worst of the Year come from our readers, who this year littered, er, I mean, filled the SOTU inbox with their wit and genius.

Which makes our job easy. But not as easy as your job. Your job, dear reader, is simply to read.

Below you'll find Part I of this year's run-down of "winners," each of whom takes home his, her or their very own WOTY trophy. As in previous years, that award looks suspiciously like a dented aluminum trashcan.

Under each category, you'll find previous "winners," a list of this year's nominees, and the goober(s) we picked for 2004. So without any further ado ...

Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson

2004 Nominees: Scott Peterson Trial; Calls for Election Recounts; Swift Boat Ads; Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse; Janet Jackson's "Wardrobe Malfunction."

When a news story gets nominated in this category one year and is still on the board the next, you know it's a story with staying power -- that people must be really, really sick of. In this case, that would be the Scott Peterson trial, which, while nominated, didn't get the nod in 2003, but stuck around long enough to really cheese people off in 2004. Fortunately for us, and unfortunately for Scott, the jury in Redwood City, California, recommended execution, which means this story should finally go away. Although with the appeals process, it will probably be a while until Scott does.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Scott Peterson Trial

Worst Name for a College Bowl Game
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone

2004 Nominees: AutoZone Liberty Bowl; Champs Sports Bowl; Continental Tire Bowl; EV1.net Houston Bowl; Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone; GMAC Bowl; MPC Computers Bowl; Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl; PlainsCapital Fort Worth Bowl; Silicon Valley Football Classic; Vitalis Sun Bowl.

In one of my favorite categories, several nominators decried the more traditionally named bowls -- the Rose and Orange Bowls, specifically -- essentially for false advertising, citing Cal's exclusion from the Rose Bowl, and the fact that the Orange Bowl took to calling itself a National Championship when the only people that truly believed that it was were the college presidents who still believe the BCS works. Until USC throttled Oklahoma, that is, at which point most people agreed that, okay, yeah, the Trojans could be national champs after all.

But this category isn't about lying, it's about atrocious naming, which is why classics like the Rose and Orange Bowls don't even make the final nominee list. It's also why this year's nominee list may be the best worst list ever. I mean, you've got the defending champ, the ridiculous Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone. In this age of DSL and high-speed cable modems, you've got a bowl named after a dial-up Internet Service Provider best known for its "Just $10 Bucks" promotion, the EV1.net Houston Bowl. Apparently nobody at EV1.net has yet realized that the "$" symbol means "dollars," which makes their promotion literally the "Just ten dollars bucks" promotion. I'll bet they have some interesting budget meetings there.

And then you've got the curiously-named Vitalis Sun Bowl, seemingly sponsored by the company that sells shampoo and hairspray for men. Only on the history page on the Sun Bowl website, it explains that in 2003, "The Sun Bowl Association reached agreement with the publicly-traded company Helen of Troy to begin sponsoring the game in 2004. The game will be officially called the Vitalis Sun Bowl." This would make you think that perhaps Helen of Troy makes Vitalis hair products, but they do not -- I scoured and Googled the Helen of Troy site and found no mention of Vitalis at all. Which begs the question -- if they're sponsoring the game, why are they allowing it to be named after a product they don't produce? And more curious, on the Sun Bowl sponsors page, why is the only sponsor whose logo doesn't link to a website the title sponsor? I searched for a long time for a Vitalis website, trying to find some rationale as to why this company would sponsor a bowl game, but I came up empty -- though I did discover a UK management company, Vitalis condoms, and a Canadian songwriter named Chantal Vitalis who "is inspired, amused and awed by the complexities of everyday life." Hey, me too! I'm especially amused and awed by the complexity of the Vitalis Sun Bowl.

But despite my clever, long-winded rant about Vitalis, we're after the worst name here, which brings us to the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl. Here we have a game named not after a company, but after that company's latest product. This friends, is a bad sign -- not only is it a dumb name, but it's the kind of dumb bowl game name that, if not properly ridiculed, will no doubt encourage similar dumb bowl game names. I'm already having nightmares about these contests on the 2005 bowl schedule -- the Toyota Land Cruiser Gator Bowl, the Continental Tire ContiSportContact 2 Bowl, the Chick-Fil-A Chicken, Egg & Cheese Bagel Peach Bowl . . . seriously, it could get ugly. Let's stop the madness, before it goes any further.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl

Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly
2000: The Bob 'N' Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica's Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox's Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn's Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)

2004 Nominees: Ron Artest and the Pacers/Pistons Brawl; Latrell Sprewell's Fan Abuse; Clemson/South Carolina Brawl; Todd Bertuzzi's Assault of Steve Moore.

Where did all the silly stuff go? It used to be this category was about making fun of dumb end-zone celebrations, but now it's about violence, some of it involving fans. For that reason, some nominators debated whether or not the Artest incident (and boy, did any NBA player ever become a household name quicker?) qualified as on-court or off-court, since he did go into the stands. But Artest's actions -- as well as those of Ben Wallace, Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O'Neal -- started on the court, so they qualify here. And considering the notoriety these shenanigans gained for Artest and the NBA, it's hard to make a case for anybody else in this category. I mean, sure, it sucks when somebody throws a cup of ice at you, just like it kinda sucks when somebody gives you a hard foul at the end of the game. But, you know, whatever happened to just calling people names and spitting on them?

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Ron Artest and the Pacers/Pistons Brawl

Worst New Reality Show
2003: The Simple Life
2004 Nominees: Trading Spouses; Wife Swap; Who's Your Daddy?; The Real Gilligan's Island; America's Next Top Model; The Benefactor; Fox News.

It's possible that the worst thing about this category is that ten years ago, people wouldn't have known what you were talking about, but now they can't remember all of the potential nominees. The best thing about this category is that I haven't watched a reality show for more than ten minutes since Real World Chicago -- and even that was only because I knew one of the cast members -- so I base my decision entirely on what I see in the commercials and read about in magazines and online. Which begs the question: Does the world need a real Gilligan's Island? Personally, I had a little bit of a Mary Ann thing growing up, which, while probably not the reason my college girlfriend was named Marianne, was definitely the reason I was really excited the year Marianne dressed up as Mary Ann for Halloween, and I dressed up as Gilligan. But the bigger question is, why was it his island? I mean, I guess they had to name the show after somebody, but he's the reason they could never get off the thing. Ah, maybe that's it -- some sort of psychosexual naming convention that uses reverse psychology. Hm. I never thought about it that way. But wife swapping!? And they don't even have sex? What's going on here?

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap

Worst Comeback from a Celebrity You Thought You'd Never Hear From Again
2002: Tawny Kitaen

2004 Nominees: Flavor Flav; Vanilla Ice; Craig Ferguson; Tony Danza; Tammy Faye (Baker) Messner; Anna Nicole Smith; Jordan Knight.

This category owes a lot to The Surreal Life, which, if you think about it, is basically a TV show designed to populate this category with nominees. Not coincidentally, one of the show's producers is an outfit called Mindless Entertainment. Hm. But if you ask me, there's something kind of nice about hearing people talk about Flavor Flav again, even if they are making fun of him. And Tammy Faye? Baker, Messner, whatever her last name is, she really only needs those two first names in my book. Tammy Faye, welcome back to the American consciousness. We missed you.

But Tony Danza? You're not going to like the sound of this, but I've seen Oprah, and you're no Oprah. Tony, whoever thought it was a good idea to give you your own talk show probably has an unhealthy relationship with his collection of Who's The Boss? reruns. I mean, don't get me wrong, Tony, the sexual tension between you and Angela, the weird kinkiness of Mona, the budding lasciviousness of Samantha, the latent . . . it was all there, and all wonderful. But a talk show? Frankly, I was willing to forgive you for The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon, which was ill-advised, and I was even willing to forgive you for the first Tony Danza Show. But The Tony Danza Show , again? Tony, I watched a little bit of this recently, and it pained me. Seriously, it pained me. Please, get this show off the air as soon as possible, and let us never speak of it again. Let people think of that Who's The Boss? magic when they hear your name. Let's not spoil your legacy with you cooking and . . . ExtravaDanza. Seriously.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Tony Danza

Worst Office Trend
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay

2004 Nominees: Company-wide emails; Even More Responsibility, Same Pay; 40-hour Work Week; Unemployment; Work.

Frankly, none of these things is any good. But when I look back at 2004, there was something very turn-of-the-century about it. And as you can see above, way back at the turn of the century, the worst thing in the office was, well, work. And all signs indicate that that's pretty much the worst part of going to the office again. So in one of those once-and-future king deals, Work once again takes the Worst Office Trend crown. Or trashcan, as the case may be.

And the 2004 WOTY goes to: Work

Worst Font
2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS

2004 Nominees: Courier; Comic Sans; Arial; Curlz MT; Bradley Hand ITC; Wingdings 2.

Several nominators, including a few who are students in my Technical Writing class, where I rant repeatedly about my loathing for Comic Sans MS, suggested that the award in this category be renamed the Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award, and that I should just retire Comic Sans from contention. But to name a category after a winner/loser, that winner/loser has to really define the category, really personify it. And because of this high standard, I wasn't sure about the name change. And then just the other day, somebody showed me a brochure she was working on, where the cover font was . . . Comic Sans MS. Friends, it was all I could do to restrain myself from saying, "Oh, I get it -- Comic Sans. This is supposed to be funny, right?" I also came close to puking on it. And it was then I knew that Comic Sans had reached irredeemable status. I now fear that if a kindergartener comes up to show me her clever little kindergarten poster, and she's used Comic Sans on it, that I will have to shove my hands in my mouth and bite down to keep myself from tearing her little clever kindergarten poster to shreds. Friends, there is no longer any hope for Comic Sans MS, unless, in its pathetic little font heart, it always aspired to have a WOTY category named after it, in which case, dude, party your ass off.

Okay, now that we've shamed Comic Sans with the category name, I feel the need to embarrass another font that thinks it's so clever: Curlz MT. Dude, who do you think you are? God, you're annoying. Stop it! Stop! It!

And the 2004 Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award goes to: Curlz MT

Okay, that's enough for now. More next week ...