Volume 5, Number 50  Friday, December 31, 2004

Into A New Year, Randomly

You know what would be a fun thing to collect? The plastic caps that come on top of a stick of deodorant. I mean, most people just throw those things away, but there's no doubt some serious engineering goes into their design, and I'm sure there are different models for different brands, different designers, different design philosophies . . . you know, things that would make them collectible. But I did a search for "deodorant stick caps" on eBay, and there were zero items found. You know what that means? That the Mickey Mantle rookie card of deodorant stick caps is out there somewhere . . .

I hate Constant Comment tea. I mean, that son of a bitch won't shut the hell up . . .

So I think it's a good thing that Windows warns me to only accept downloads from publishers I trust. Undoubtedly this minimizes the amount of spyware, viruses and other assorted crap on my hard drive by at least 5%. But I was upgrading Windows Media Player the other day, and I got a message warning me to only accept downloads from publishers I trust. Now, I know most people don't trust Microsoft. But does Microsoft not trust itself?

You know what? It's not the cola.

I clearly am not the taste-making satirist, the trend-setting pundit, the world-changing opiner I fancy myself to be. And I say this confidently, because despite my vehement written objections, Orbitz pop-ups are still popping up. And of course, I still hate them with a passion. But I've discovered a small degree of revenge I can take out on them, and, in a strange way, on Orbitz. If you've seen an Orbitz pop-up lately, you know that now they're all these goofy flash animations, like the "Sink The Putt" one, which shows a guy standing on an outline of an airplane that's supposed to look like some sort of blue, airplane-shaped putting green. (If you somehow haven't seen it, go to ESPN.com a few times; you'll see it.) The "golfer" is standing in the tailfin of the airplane, bent over the ball, ready to put. When you move your mouse, the guy pivots around the ball, so you can aim the "shot" however you like. I've taken advantage of this feature. If you spin your mouse in circles around the ball, the guy spins with you, like a hammer thrower being spun around by his hammer. You can do this until it makes you dizzy. I have. I keep hoping that the flash animation guy will get dizzy too, and that eventually I will make him throw up. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm going to keep trying. I call it pop-up therapy . . .

You know, nothing's truly unscented. But "relatively unscented" just isn't a name that sells . . .

So I was getting all worked up about the big Shaq-Kobe showdown on Christmas Day, just like SportsCenter told me to. And then I watched a few minutes of it, and I was totally bored. I couldn't figure out why, until I remembered it was an NBA regular-season game. A couple hours later, I watched the waning minutes of the Chiefs-Raiders matchup -- a completely meaningless NFL regular-season game between two teams with absolutely zero chance of making the playoffs -- and I was enthralled . . .

I'm not usually a conspiracy theorist, but I'm convinced AOL is up to something. I stopped counting weeks ago, but I've received no less than 50 AOL CDs (and floppy disks -- remember those?) in the mail over the years, which I suspect is about average for anyone in this country with a mailbox. And nowadays, if you're somebody without a mailbox who happens to have a computer and a telephone line, you can get a free AOL CD just about anywhere -- Target, Barnes & Noble, most hospital emergency rooms . . . they're not exactly hard to come by. This is just a ballpark estimate, but my guess is that right now in America, there are five AOL CDs in circulation for every human being. So why is AOL putting free AOL 9.0 Optimized CDs in my local alternative weekly? First of all, if there's any target market likely to reject AOL on principle, isn't it the readers of alternative weeklies? And second of all, if there's any target market likely to already have Internet access, isn't it the readers of alternative weeklies? So I ask you again -- why is AOL putting free CDs in my alternative weekly? And why are they encouraging us to "Give your friend their own FREE TRIAL!", like AOL is some exclusive club, and like my friend hasn't already received dozens of free AOL CDs IN THE MAIL? I'm telling you, there's something fishy going on here. And just listen to these registration codes -- "AMEND-GRUB" and "EMPLOY-CLINK." Don't they sound a little suspicious to you? I haven't figured out the full extent of your shenanigans and trickeration yet, AOL, but know this: I'm keeping my eye on you . . .

By the way, it's not the cherry cola, either.

I'm an empathetic kind of guy. I try to understand how other people are feeling, you know, and whenever possible, feel their pain. So the other day when I was running and I got a bug in my eye, the first thing I said was, "Ahh! Bug in my eye!" But then I thought about what it would be like to be that bug. And I imagined that right then he was saying, "Ahh! I'm on a giant eyeball!" And for a moment there, I felt really bad for him . . .

There's still time! Submit your ballot for the 2004 Worst of the Year Awards here -- we'll take your nominations all the way up through Wednesday, January 5.