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Volume 5, Number 49
Friday, December 24, 2004 |
Bad Form
We here at The
State of the Union are not above recycling old material. In fact,
we're quite in favor of it. But nevertheless, for the last three
weeks, we've harbored delusions of coming up with something totally
original for this week's column. After all, one quick look at
the calendar demonstrates clearly that today is Christmas Eve
-- or Christmas Eve day, as it were -- and having never written
a Christmas Eve column that appeared on Christmas Eve, it seemed
like a golden opportunity. And so in my head, I began to craft
a clever, satirical poem. It began:
'Twas the night
before Christmas
And all 'cross the land . . .
And then I got
stuck. I figured I would knock out those two lines, and the poetic
hilarity would just flow like the Ganges. But nothing came to
mind, at least nothing that rhymed with "land." So
I tried other variations.
'Twas the night
before Christmas
And all through the White House . . .
I had figured
all along that my clever, satirical variation on the familiar
poem would be topical, but when it came down to it, there was
nothing doing there. I tried again.
'Twas the night
before Christmas
And all over town . . .
Do you know how
hard it is to come up with something that rhymes with "town"
besides "clown" and "brown"?
'Twas the night
before Christmas with the Kranks . . .
Oh, boy.
Finally, after
several days of fruitless effort, I decided to dip into an old
well. It had been a while, I realized, since we'd given our readers
a Holiday Form Letter. And though Christmas is tomorrow, and
Hanukkah is now many weeks passed, that's the beauty of a Holiday
Form Letter -- it's good for the entire season.
What is a Holiday
Form Letter, you ask? Well, for those of you who don't know the
joys and wonders of the HFL (as it's known in these parts), let
me educate you:
A Holiday Form
Letter is one of those photocopied, clip-art-laden, year-in-review
letters you get in the mail from friends and family who want
to keep you updated on their lives but simply don't have enough
anytime minutes. Thus, by writing a summary of the previous year
(often in my favorite font, Comic Sans MS) and sending it out
to the special people in their lives, they give the special people
in their lives something to read on the toilet.
Sounds like a
great idea, right? But if you've never written one before, where
do you begin? Reader, you begin right here, with the Official
2004 State of the Union Holiday Form Letter Template -- or the
SOTUHFLT, as it's known in these parts. Just copy the letter
below and paste it into your word processor, then personalize
it by selecting whichever detail applies to you from the options
in parentheses. It's easy and fun! Here we go:
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 Dear
(Friends and Family/Secretary Rumsfeld/Peeps),
Normally (I/we)
wouldn't write a letter like this, but things have been really
busy for (me/us) this holiday season, what with all of the (shopping/drinking/meetings
with the parole officer), and since (I/we) (got engaged/got married/got
divorced/bought a house/bought a boat/had a baby/got a dog/got
a goat/got a new job/won the lottery/developed a rare food allergy),
(I/we) wanted to make sure to share the good news with you.
Of course, as
great a year as 2004 was, there was some sadness, too -- (my/our)
pet (dog/cat/iguana/pot-bellied pig) (INSERT NAME OF PET HERE)
(died/was unsuccessfully cloned/got rabies). As you well know,
(NAME OF PET) was an important part of (my/our) (life/lives),
and this loss has caused (me/us) to seek (professional help/spiritual
guidance/new ways of testing hair care products). It hasn't been
easy, but (I /we) (am/are) doing (my/our) best to move forward.
In not unrelated news, the neighbor's dog had puppies -- they're
a (Dachshund-Greyhound/Great Dane-Chihuahua/Golden Retriever-Giraffe)
mix, and (I/we) (am/are) thinking of adopting one. So that could
make for some interesting walks in 2005.
One of the things
that will always make 2004 memorable for (me/us) was those lovable
Boston Red Sox. (I/we) just loved the way (Curt Schilling battled
through that ankle injury/Johnny Damon's hair flowed in the wind/Pedro's
little friend fit right on his shoulder). It was truly inspiring,
and whenever (I/we) (am/are) faced with adversity in 2005, (I/we)
will remember how the Sox came back to beat the Yankees, and
that if they could achieve the impossible like that, (I/we) can
certainly figure out a way to (finish that novel/cut back some
on the tax evasion/come to work sober).
Oops -- almost
forgot to tell you about (Cousin Roger/my boss Geronimo/our little
one, Hunter/the debt I've incurred playing online poker). (He/she/it)
hasn't been easy to deal with, as you might expect, and (I/we)
want to thank you for all of your support in that area. Honestly,
as hard as things can get, it's just nice to know that (I/we)
have the unconditional support of (friends and loved ones/my
fellow inmates/the entire United States government), and (I/we)
don't know how (I/we) could have made it through this last year
without you.
Well, (I/we)
don't want to bore you, so (I/we) will wrap up. Happy Holidays,
Season's Greetings and Gladsome Boxing Day to you and yours,
and best wishes for a great 2005!
All (my/our)
(love/best),
(INSERT YOUR NAME HERE)
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It's as easy
as that. I'll be looking for my HFL from you in the mail.
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Let your voice
be heard! Submit your ballot for the 2004 Worst of the Year Awards
here, and do your part to make the world a better place.
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