Volume 5, Number 47  Saturday, December 11, 2004

A Wronged December

Pity poor December.

Every year, pundits and other people not even as clever as those people bring forth their "Best Of The Year" lists early in December, making their pompous proclamations as if we live in some sort of alternative, 11-months-in-a-year universe.

But friends, this is not so! December, as a month, is perfectly equal to the other eleven. In fact, thanks to its 31 days, it's even more of a month than all those wimpy 30- and 28- (or this year, 29-) day months, if you want to get technical about it. And yet these end-of-year lists act as though December doesn't exist, as though anything of import, any releases of music, movies and books, anything of any significance, necessarily occurred between January and November.

And it's not like you see these same pundits release a Best of December list or have a special December correction in January to make up for this annual oversight. In their obvious rush to knock that list out and go on vacation, they pretend as if December just isn't there.

Friends, this is a tragic injustice. I mean, I can't really think of anything important that's happened in December recently, or any important movies or music that have been released in December, but that's not the point. The point is that it's still possible that some time in these next few weeks, while we're being numbed into hibernation by the endless drone of Christmas music, that something really important could happen.

And that's why the State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards take December into account.

Yes, friends, it's time for the 2004 WOTYs (pronounced woe-deez, as in, "Woe, deez is bad."), and believe it or not, this year marks the 5th annual awarding of the Aluminum Trashcans. That means if a child was born when we gave out the first of these awards in 2000, he would be turning five now. Hard to believe, I know, but that's how the math works. I double-checked it.

Anyway, after my rant in defense of December, you're probably wondering why I'm rambling about some end-of-year awards if there are still three weeks left of 2004. Well, I'm telling you about them now so you can start submitting your nominations. But I promise you, no selections will be made until 2004 has actually drawn to a close. Then, and only then, will we pick our losers.

In the meantime, start thinking seriously about the very worst of the year we're almost done with. Here's how it works:

1. Read through the categories below, and review the previous "winners."
2. Click on the link at the bottom to submit your nominees for the worst of 2004.
3. Add any write-in categories you think are missing.
4. Do the hokey-pokey, and you turn yourself around.

That's what it's all about.

Can't remember what the hell happened in 2004? Check out VH1.com, where you can get a recap of their "Big in 04" show (again, December gets neglected), or look back at the year in pop-culture with the people who examined it one week at a time, with the "Best Week Ever" year-end special, "Best Year Ever," which airs next Friday, December 17, at 11 pm (10 Central). And if you're looking to be reminded of the bad songs of '04, check out "20 most awesomely bad songs of 2004," which airs Monday, December 13, at 12 am (11 Central). It's likely you will find no greater repository of pop-culture history -- particularly recent history -- than you will find on VH1 and VH1.com. Frankly, these people scare me, but they're great for research.

And thus, without any further ado, here are the categories, previous winners, and any smart-ass comments that I think you might need to help you make up your mind. For clarification, not all categories have had winners in all years. Some years the nominees were kind of lame, or I just couldn't make a good joke about any of them; some categories, as noted, are new. Also, previous winners are not precluded from nomination in 2004.

Enjoy, and don't forget to nominate!

NEWS

Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson

Worst Political Trend
This has been a category since at least 2001, and yet it has never garnered the sort of nominations that actually merited a victor. Still, I keep including it. Why? In the hopes that one of these years, something of substance will come along, and you, dear readers, will nominate it. So, you know, here goes nothing.

Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo
2002: Bipartisan Politics
2003: Weapons of Mass Destruction

SPORTS

Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays

Worst Name for a College Bowl Game
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone

This one's always fun. For a full listing of all of this year's bowls, check out ESPN.com's Bowl Central.

Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly
2000: The Bob 'N' Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica's Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox's Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn's Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)

As you ponder your nominations in this category, remember, winning this category doesn't make you a bad guy -- Joe Horn took the title last year, and I still drafted him for my Fantasy Football team. And he's having a great year!

Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly
2002: Najeh Davenport's Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy's Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)

Some of you may be thinking, "Hey, what about Kobe last year?" To which I say, "Yes, Kobe was a bad, bad man. But we try to stick to funny stuff, like pooping in closets and getting drunk with undergrads." Does that make things a little clearer?

The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award
2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)

Are you sensing a trend here? Orange hasn't been in since 2001, at least. That's what I read from this, anyway.

ENTERTAINMENT

Worst New Entertainment Trend
2000: Reality TV

It's been a while since we've had a winner here. Can you people not spot trends, or what?

Worst New Reality Show
2003: The Simple Life

I would think that of all the categories, this would have the most eligible nominees. Except for Desperate Housewives, isn't pretty much every new show on TV a reality show?

Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away
2000: The Cast of "Survivor"
2001: Carrot Top
2002: Jennifer Lopez
2003: Paris Hilton

Worst Comeback from a Celebrity You Thought You'd Never Hear From Again
2002: Tawny Kitaen

Worst Concept For A Television Show
2001: Emeril

Is there a difference between this category and Worst New Reality Show? Probably not. But it's fun to think about the fact that somebody gave Emeril a sit-com again.

Worst Television Commercial
2002: Capital One (Entire "What's In Your Wallet?" Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub ("Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?")

Worst Product Tie-In To A Movie Or TV Show

I almost killed this category, but then I remembered that there was a Sponge Bob movie. Clearly there's got to be some nauseatingly ridiculous tie in to that movie, right?

Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway
2000: "Higher/With Arms Wide Open," Creed
2001: "I'm A Slave 4 U," Britney Spears
2002: "Like I Love You," Justin Timberlake
2003: "Milkshake," Kelis

Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song
2000: "Take A Picture," Filter
2001: "Lady Marmalade," Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: "Dilemma," Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: "Baby Boy," Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul

New Category! Worst Band Name

Not that I'm nominating them, but there's a new band named Dogs Die In Hot Cars.

WORK

Worst Office Trend
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay

Worst Email Spam
2000: The Microsoft "email tracker"
2001: "Increase your ejaculation by 583%!"
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance

Here's one category you would figure to have repeat winners. But those spammers, I'll tell you, they just keep getting more and more creative . . .

Worst New Business Jargon
2000: B2B
2001: Flesh out
2002: Visit

Worst Technological Advancement
2000: Corporate Internet tracking
2002: Blackberry
2003: Camera Phones

Worst Font
2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS

This one is sure to be a heated battle, with the previous titleholders sure to lead the competition. But is there a darkhorse lurking in the wings?

LIFE

Worst Fashion Trend
2000: Fat Men in Speedos
2001: Wearing snakes around necks
2002: Pointy-toed high heels
2003: Trucker Hats

Worst New Consumer Product
2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox

Worst Holiday Tradition
2001: Salvation Army Bell Ringers

Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil' Kim, Old Navy

Say, whatever happened to MinutePass?

And there you have it. Submit your nominations here, and spread the love. Or something like that.