Man Wisdom

I've never been at a loss for Valentine's Day column topics. Why, for a while this year I was debating whether to explore the vagaries of bizarre Valentine's Day gifts (Actual advertisement: Discount Weaponry -- Swords and collectible weaponry -- Order now for Valentine's Day!) or turn the Valentine's Day specials in the supermarket circulars (Whole Boneless Pork Tenderloin only $2.99/lb. at the Shop 'n Save) into column fodder.

But Valentine's Day isn't about guns or pork loins. It's about those little heart candies with the sayings on them that taste sort of chalky.

Oh, and in theory, it's about love and stuff.

Of course, if any holiday proves the potential chasm between theory and reality, it's Valentine's Day. I mean, sure, people have their beefs with Christmas, and no doubt there are vocal opponents of Arbor Day out there, if you go looking for them. But punch Hate Valentine's Day into Google, and 0.08 seconds later, you're looking at 57,900 results -- including the classic of the genre, a page entitled "Sucky Evil Sucky Day." Hell, Google Sucky Evil Sucky Day and you get 11,000 results.

But why is so much venom and animosity directed toward a day that is theoretically about love and stuff? Though some would no doubt argue with me, I don't believe that it's because, as the immortal J. Geils Band once put it, love stinks (Google results: 112,000).

Rather, I believe it's because sometimes we just don't understand each other.

I say this because several times in the last few months, female friends of mine have sought my counsel for some "man wisdom." In other words, they wanted to know why men think and act the way they do, specifically when it comes to romantic (or potentially-romantic) relationships with women. Feeling quite honored to be asked to speak on behalf of the entire male gender, I obliged, and tried my best to explain to them that we men do, in fact, have reasons for the things we do and say. We just don't always know what those reasons are.

Well, after dispensing a few morsels of "man wisdom" (boy, that sounds dirty), I got to thinking that perhaps that might make an ideal topic for Valentine's Day. Thus, I sought the counsel of a variety of female friends, and posed the question to them: What man issues confound, confuse or otherwise frustrate you?

I figured they would send me a few questions, and I would do my best to answer them in a moderately-humorous way, sort of like a smart-aleck advice column.

Once I got a few emails back, however, I realized that perhaps I was in over my head. I mean really -- who was I to think that I could speak on behalf of men everywhere? Who was I to think that I could answer a question like "Why do men adjust themselves in public?" without some backup?

Clearly, I needed help. Thus, I enlisted the support of a variety of male friends, posing several of the choicest inquiries from the women to them via email. Their response was, in a word, overwhelming. Apparently, I had touched a nerve. Or 47 of them.

So, in an effort to act as a referee in the ongoing battle of the sexes (and this is a duty I take in all seriousness -- I'm wearing my referee shirt as I write this), I present to you a few of the more intriguing questions that women asked about men, and a sampling of what men had to say for themselves.

WHY DO MEN THAT DON'T KNOW YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO TOUCH YOU?

"Because men like it when women they don't know touch them. Actually, this is a loaded question -- if a woman finds a guy attractive, short of some very improper touching, there is no way she'll complain about a simple friendly touch. Think of the touch as asking the question, 'do you find me attractive?' If you touch him lightly in return he will interpret that as an affirmative response; of course if you place your knee firmly in his groin he'll recognize that answer as well."

"If you're good looking, it IS okay to touch girls. It's only when you are ugly that girls get mad. The girl who asked you that must have ugly guys hitting on her."

"Well, if men waited for women's 'okay' before proceeding with their agendas, then who would buy all the Corvettes? Who? WHO WOULD BUY ALL THE CORVETTES?"

"To what degree do they not know you? And where is the touching being applied? Arm/shoulder seems pretty innocent. Breast would be a bit more tricky. What if it's 'an accident?' Seems to me like not touching is a gray area. But if any strange women want to touch me, I'm ready to go."

DO GUYS LIKE WHEN GIRLS MAKE MOST OF THE PLANS?

"I like it when girlfriends make plans as long as I don't end up eating fondue at a Tupperware party."

"No, men hate planning. Plan away -- but pretend like we came up with the idea every once in a while."

"Look, you can rephrase this as many times as you want, honey, but there's still no way in hell I'm going to see 'The Hours.'"

DO GUYS LIKE IT WHEN WE CALL THEM PET NAMES? HOW ABOUT IN FRONT OF THEIR FRIENDS?

"Pet names suck -- especially in front of friends. Unless your pet name is 'The King' or 'Monster Love Muscle.'"

"Um, no. But we tolerate it when you are naked."

"Yes. Pet names are a good segue into similar romantic scenarios, such as locking me in a cage, and beating me with a rolled up newspaper."

"All men like pet names. The sissier the better. Suggestions: Princess Blueberry Cupcake, Sweetie Pie, Rhonda."

DO GUYS KNOW THAT WHEN THEY CHECK A GIRL OUT, IT'S THE MOST OBVIOUS THING IN THE WORLD?

"What good does it do to check out a girl if she doesn't know it? Use your head -- of course we know you can see. There's no chance you're going to get a response from a girl who doesn't even notice you're there."

"Yes, that's exactly the point. The girl's reaction to staring is very telling."

"That is stage one of flirting . . . thanks for noticing. Also, most men find every single woman in the world attractive in some way. Because we are insanely horny. That's why there are so many damn people."

"No, we don't, but I don't think we care either."

"All men couldn't care less if women (or men, as the case may be) know they are checking them out. All women aren't as sly as they think."

"We know it's obvious, but it's a golden rule kinda thing. We'd like it, so we figure you would too. And since few women check out a man's chest, most of us don't realize that a five-degree southernly shift of the gaze is completely identifiable."

"Some realize it. Some don't. There are obviously occasions in which the woman has dressed a particular way; thereby inviting glances. If the problem was staring, I could see the complaint. Then again, I think I'd appreciate someone taking the interest to stare at my, um, features."

WHAT DO GUYS HAVE AGAINST LOVE? IT'S JUST A FEELING, IT'S NOT A LIFE-ALTERING COMMITMENT.

"All I can say, is our love is not your love. What do women have against peeing standing up? I've seen women do it, but most of them don't."

"I don't think it's anything against love itself. I think it might be wondering what love is, and 'Is that what I'm feeling?' And we don't want to say that's how we feel if we're not sure. We're very caring that way. Of course, if you've got love and then it gets RIPPED FROM YOUR BEING, then that's not much fun, and in that circumstance, I can understand having something against love."

"Honestly, it's not a guy thing . . . most guys want love. Most guys are pretty sappy for it."

"I'm sorry, due to the words used in the previous two sentences, I regret to inform you that I must break up with you, and subsequently file for an order of protection."

WHY DO GUYS ACT LIKE JERKS AND THEN PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED? HOW DO THEY NOT STAY MAD AT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS, OR GUYFRIENDS EVEN?

"Because we learned to shake hands at the end of sports matches."

"Genetic perfection. Get mad, get over it. Drink beer."

"Men are not as emotional as women. Ninety-nine percent of jerk behavior is the result of immaturity, and men just want to forget about it."

"It's called forgiveness! We don't forget, we just forgive more easily."

"I, for one, can stay mad for a plenty long time."

"Beer. Beer and beer."

IF A MAN REALLY LIKED A WOMAN, WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE WAIT DAYS AND DAYS BEFORE RETURNING HER PHONE CALL?

"This one is really a question of economics. We're keeping the Haagen Dazs industry alive."

"Have you ever seen the movie Swingers? Watch it and understand."

"All men lost phone service for a couple days. Sorry, it must have been that storm we had. Or maybe it was a car accident. I remember seeing a repair crew on a telephone pole around here awhile ago. So, you want to get together for coffee some time?"

"Call too soon = needy (universal truth). Wait too long = disinterested (perplexing conundrum). Problem is, women have never shared their definitions of 'too soon' and 'too long.'"

"Because for every woman like you, there are three women who think that if a guy returns a call the next day he's desperate. Women like guys who play hard to get. I have trouble with my girlfriend because I am too nice to her and give her too much attention. If you all could decide on what the best way was to be treated, even men could probably figure it out."

"Yeah, well, this is a stumper. If I really liked a woman, I'd call back. Seriously, give out my phone number. I'll prove it."

DO GUYS EVER GROW UP, OR DO THEY REMAIN LITTLE BOYS IN OLD MEN'S BODIES?

"Growing up is for the unimaginative."

"Cool people never grow up. You have to maintain a childish view on life or you're dead."

"No fair! She stole this one from the movie poster for 'Big'!"

"See Hugh Hefner for your answer."

"We pretty much stay little boys forever, which is why a 92-year old can marry Anna Nicole Smith."

"All men stop acting like children at the age of 32."

"What is this, the SAT?"

DO MEN LIKE PHYSICAL PLEASURES OR FOOD MORE? WE KNOW THEY DON'T REALLY LIKE GIRLS . . . GIRLS ARE JUST THE MEANS THAT JUSTIFY THE END (THAT'S THE SAYING, RIGHT?). EVEN IF I GOT THAT FLIPPED, YOU STILL GET MY POINT.

"Can't we have both?"

"Food is a physical pleasure. However, other kinds of pleasures are better than almost any food."

"All men like orgasms, bacon cheeseburgers, backrubs and tacos, in that order."

"For the record, I like girls and physical pleasure better than food. I even like beer better than food."

"It's okay if you misstated yourself a little. You have the right to be a little scatterbrained after catching your boyfriend in bed with a Bacon Double Whopper."

DO MEN REALLY THINK FAKE BOOBS LOOK GOOD? WHY DON'T MEN RESPOND TO AN OBVIOUS SET OF FAKE BREASTS THE SAME WAY WOMEN RESPOND TO AN OBVIOUS TOUPEE?

(Actually, the question was phrased this way: "I was reading (seriously) a current edition of FHM that had the Baywatch hoochies and I noticed that the ones with fake breasts look outrageously ignorant. I know women will think like me but my question is, do men really think fake boobs look good? Look at Yasmine Bleeth and Pamela Anderson together in a bathing suit and tell me that Pamela doesn't look stupid. It's like a bad toupee." However, I thought that would be too much to read if I put it in all capitals. Thanks for understanding.)

"No. Fake boobs are ugly and unattractive."

"All men have an intellectual curiosity that makes them appreciate the scientific research and precision medical handiwork it takes to formulate a great set of DDs."

"Playing with a toupee isn't probably much fun. Playing with large breasts, however . . ."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention, did I hear Pam Anderson got a toupee for her fake breasts? Good GOD that is hot stuff!"

WHY IN THE HELL DO MEN THINK THAT STAYING CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED WHEN WE'RE HYSTERICALLY THREATENING TO DO BODILY HARM TO SOMEONE IS THE CORRECT WAY TO RESPOND?

"Because it is the correct way to respond. Children threaten physical violence to get their way. Adults work out their issues diplomatically."

"Well, what the hell are we supposed to do? If we get all excited, maybe you WILL do bodily harm to someone! We're peacemakers, really. It's because we care."

"We're just smooth like that."

"Is this bodily harm in a good way? If so, please pass along my phone number."

And now, the question you've all been waiting for . . .

WHY DO MEN ADJUST THEMSELVES IN PUBLIC?

"Oh, huh, well, I . . . hold on a second . . . mmmm, ahhhh, yes that's better . . . now what was the question again?"

"They itch like hell."

"You should see what happens when no one is around . . ."

"Frankly, my [little fellas] itch more than other parts of my body."

"For me, it's a comfort issue. Believe me, if you 'felt the need,' you'd adjust too."

"Sometimes it has to be done immediately or we can hurt ourselves."

"The next time your [little fellas] stick to your legs . . . we can talk."

"Every other man in the universe is teaching us that it's okay from the moment we open our eyes. Even the delivery doctor, if male, will readjust immediately after the spank."

"I would also add that women should feel free to scratch themselves in public when they itch. And if a scratch requires the removal of clothing, just ask for assistance."

"If the need arises, it may not be possible to remove oneself from the situation. Serious harm could be done during the walk to the next room if adjustment is required."

"Right, right, sure, I understand, it's . . . oh, hold on . . . just a little to the left and . . . I'm sorry, we were talking about Corvettes, I believe?"

"As an alternate suggestion, if you don't like the guy adjusting himself, I'm sure that could be alleviated if he just wasn't wearing any pants. And, if you know of a woman who would prefer this suggestion, please pass along my phone number."

You know, I have this sinking feeling that rather than fostering a greater understanding of men by women, I have instead done irreparable damage to the state of relations between the genders, possibly even threatening the future of the species -- and I left out a lot of stuff.

But, hey, if this column accomplishes nothing else, I hope that it has at least helped us all agree on one thing:

They itch.

Happy Valentine's Day!