Those Were The Days
Remember 2007? When the Patriots were unbeatable, Rudy Giuliani was a presidential candidate, and parachute pants were all the rage?
Already that tender year seems like ages ago, which means it’s ripe for nostalgic reflection – about all of the crappy stuff. Yes, friends, I know it’s been a while since the State of the Union graced your inbox, but we’re back, and we have some unfinished business to attend to: the 2007 State of the Union Worst of the Year Awards.
Yes, I know it’s February. But 2007 still happened, and as one loyal (and I mean seriously loyal, especially considering he’s not even related to me) reader wrote to me last week, “I know we are past the normal dates, but we need to get a WOTY out for this year ... How will I know what to think?”
Thus, in the interest of providing historical context for the year that was and helping some of the more troubled among you to process what went down in those twelve months, I bring you the 2007 WOTYs ballot.
Here’s your role in this equation, in five simple steps:
- Peruse the categories below, review the previous “winners,” and chuckle at how foolish we as a society have been so far this millennium.
- Remember, if you can think back that far, who and what might be appropriate choices for those categories from 2007.
- Click on the link at the bottom to submit your nominees for the worst of 2007 in the aforementioned categories.
- Add any write-in categories you think are missing.
- Hope that I don’t go another eight weeks between columns, because otherwise you won’t know the identities of 2007’s worst until April.
If you’re struggling to remember January (when a vote for Mike Huckabee was still a vote for Mike Huckabee), let alone 2007, allow me to direct you to a few spots on the Internets that might trigger nauseating memories: Comedy Central’s Last Laugh 2007, Joel Stein’s “It’s Payback Time” in Time, the ESPN.com Page 2 Year in Review Quiz, CNN.com’s Year in Review 2007 or, for a slightly northern take on aught-seven, canada.com’s Year in Review 2007, which features numerous 2007 Top 10 lists, including “Top 10 Weather Stories” and “Top 10 Golf Quotes.”
Oh, those Canadians.
And now, the categories:
(Note – not all categories have winners in all years.)
Worst News Story that Wouldn't Go Away
2000: Elian Gonzalez
2001: Chandra Levy and Gary Condit
2002: Hootie Johnson, Martha Burk & The Masters Controversy
2003: Michael Jackson
2004: Scott Peterson Trial
2005: Jennifer Wilbanks, Runaway Bride
2006: Duke Lacrosse
Question: without 24-hour news networks, how many of these would have actually been “stories”?
Worst Political Trend
2004: 527 Committees / “I’m George Bush/John Kerry and I approved this message.”
2005: Cronyism
Worst Washington Mumbo Jumbo
2002: Bipartisan Politics
2003: Weapons of Mass Destruction
2005: Heckuva Job
2006: Sectarian violence
Worst New Sports Trend or Catchphrase
2000: Baseball Salaries
2002: Thunderstix
2003: Make Plays
2004: The Cream and The Clear
2005: A football move
2006: Individual effort
Worst Name for a College Bowl Game
2001: Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl
2002: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl
2003: Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone
2004: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
2005: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
2006: Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Another year, another fantastic slate of bowl names. The last two winners are still in the hunt, but they won’t go unchallenged. Check out the competition at ESPN.com.
Worst On-Field Example of Athletes Behaving Badly
2000: The Bob ‘N’ Weave (St. Louis Rams)
2001: Bill Gramatica’s Knee-Destroying Leap (Arizona Cardinals)
2002: Rick Fox’s Ambush of Doug Christie (Los Angeles Lakers)
2003: Joe Horn’s Cell-Phone Touchdown Celebration (New Orleans Saints)
2004: Ron Artest and the Malice at the Palace (Indianapolis Pacers/Detroit Pistons)
2005: Steve Smith’s Baby Wipes Touchdown Celebration (Carolina Panthers)
2006: Zinedine Zidane’s World Cup Head Butt (France)
Worst Off-Field Example of Athletes/Coaches Behaving Badly
2002: Najeh Davenport’s Closet Capers (Green Bay Packers)
2003: Larry Eustachy’s Drunken Escapades (Iowa State Basketball)
2004: Ron Artest’s Record Promotion (Indiana Pacers/Truwarier)
2005: Terrell Owens’ Self-Destruction (Philadelphia Eagles)
2006: Mitch Cozad’s Starting-Punter Stabbing (University of Northern Colorado)
I generally don’t prognosticate on these things, but I’m going to guess that a certain dog fighting advocate might win this one. However, I am curious to see if anybody else gets nominated.
The Arizona Diamondbacks Memorial Worst Uniform Award
2000: Arizona Diamondbacks
2001: The XFL
2002: Cleveland Browns (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2003: Miami Dolphins (Orange Alternate Jerseys)
2004: Oregon Ducks (Yellow and Green Pajamas)
2005: Nashville Predators (Mustard Alternate Jerseys)
2006: Washington Wizards (Gold Alternate Jerseys)
Worst New Entertainment Trend
2000: Reality TV
2005: Celebrity Couple Mononyms (Brangelina, TomKat)
Worst New Concept in Reality Television
2001: Emeril
2003: The Simple Life
2004: Trading Spouses/Wife Swap (Tie)
2005: Dancing With The Stars
2006: Armed and Famous
I know, you’re thinking to yourself, Emeril wasn’t a reality show, was it? And technically, it was not. But this category is the bastard spawn of the Worst Concept for a Television Show category and the Worst New Reality Show category; Emeril and Emeril were the only “winners” of the former category, so they got absorbed into this new category. As I wrote last year, though Emeril’s show wasn’t technically reality TV (apparently he was “acting”), its win stays on the list because we must never forget that someone once thought a sitcom based on Emeril Lagasse, featuring Emeril Lagasse, was a good idea. Those who don’t learn from their history are doomed to repeat it.
Worst Celebrity That Wouldn't Go Away
2000: The Cast of “Survivor”
2001: Carrot Top
2002: Jennifer Lopez
2003: Paris Hilton
2004: Ashlee Simpson
2005: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson
2006: Kevin Federline
I’m not rooting for anybody in particular, because certainly Britney Spears would also qualify in this category, but if somebody wanted to nominate Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo (instead of Nick Lachey) as a couple, I’d be okay with that.
Worst Comeback from a Celebrity You Thought You’d Never Hear From Again
2002: Tawny Kitaen
2004: Tony Danza
2006: Dustin Diamond
Screech’s ’06 win seems to confirm this is an even-year only category, but feel free to throw down a nomination anyway.
Worst Television Commercial
2002: Capital One (Entire “What’s In Your Wallet?” Series)
2003: Imodium A-D in the Hot Tub (“Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”)
2004: Levitra (“My Man.”)
2005: Diet Pepsi (NFL Draft / Diet Pepsi Machine)
2006: Schick Quattro Titanium (“Off the Heezy”)
I should rename this category Commercial That Most Proves Ad Agencies Think We’re Stupid.
Worst Song You Never Liked In The First Place But Wouldn't Go Away Anyway
2000: “Higher/With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
2001: “I’m A Slave 4 U,” Britney Spears
2002: “Like I Love You,” Justin Timberlake
2003: “Milkshake,” Kelis
2005: “My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas
2006: “Fergalicious,” Fergie
Did any Black Eyed Peas put out any annoying songs in 2007? It would make for a neat three-peat.
Worst Case Of Radio Mutilation (Overplay) Of A Decent Song
2000: “Take A Picture,” Filter
2001: “Lady Marmalade,” Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Pink
2002: “Dilemma,” Kelly Rowland featuring Nelly/Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
2003: “Baby Boy,” Beyonce Knowles featuring Sean Paul
2004: “The Reason,” Hoobastank
2005: “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg
2006: “This Is Our Country,” John Mellencamp
Hoobastank Worst Band Name Award
2004: Hoobastank
2005: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
2006: Panic! at the Disco
Worst Office Trend
2000: Work
2001: Work
2002: Five-Day Work Week
2003: More Responsibility, Same Pay
2004: Work
2005: Blocking Fantasy Sports Sites
2006: Crackberries
Worst Email Spam
2000: The Microsoft “email tracker”
2001: “Increase your ejaculation by 583%!”
2002: University Diplomas from Prestigious Non-Accredited European Universities
2003: Funds Transfer Assistance
2004: Important Online Banking Alert
2005: The Ultimate Online Pharmaceutical
Worst New Business Jargon
2000: B2B
2001: Flesh out
2002: Visit
Worst Technological Advancement
2000: Corporate Internet tracking
2002: Blackberry
2003: Camera Phones
2005: Bluetooth Earpieces
2006: Social networking sites
Worst Fashion Trend
2000: Fat Men in Speedos
2001: Wearing snakes around necks
2002: Pointy-toed high heels
2003: Trucker Hats
2004: Ruffled miniskirts
2005: Popped Collars
There was no fashion in 2006, in case you were wondering. None at all.
Worst New Consumer Product
2000: Razor Scooters
2002: Botox
2005: Febreze Scentstories
2006: Daytona 500 cologne
Worst Holiday Tradition
2001: Salvation Army Bell Ringers
2004: Mistletoe
Worst Case Of Celebrity Soul-Selling In A Commercial
2001: Richard Dean Anderson, MinutePass
2002: Val Kilmer, Nikon
2003: Lil’ Kim, Old Navy
2004: David Spade, Capital One
2005: Joan Cusack, U.S. Cellular
2006: Peyton Manning, DirecTV/MasterCard/NFLshop.com/Sprint
Worst WOTY Category
2006: Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award
Boy, did you guys hate the Worst Font Category. Passionately.
But I think maybe you just didn’t get it. That category was part absurdist humor, part critical examination of the power and influence that font choice and typography have over our emotions and decisions. And if you think fonts don’t matter, if you think that Comic Sans isn’t a moral affront, well, then I direct you to two outposts in the vast world wide web that will, I think, change your mind: ban comic sans, and a little comic strip called “Comic Sans” from the completely brilliant and wacked-out online cartoon Achewood.
That said, you wanted the category dead, so now it is dead. But I never said I wouldn’t continue to run the list of winners. Here they are:
Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award
2001: Comic Sans MS
2002: Courier New
2003: Comic Sans MS
2004: Curlz MT
2005: Wingdings
2006: Times New Roman
Comic Sans MS Memorial Worst Font Award, may you rest in peace.
Speaking of peace, that’s all we got. Click here to submit your nominations, and come back in four months when I get around to tallying the nominees.
Just kidding. It’ll be four weeks, tops.
